"My Immortal" - Evanescence

I'm so tired of being here,
Supressed by all my childish fears,
and if you have to leave,
I wish that you would just leave,
Cause your presence still lingers here,
and it won't leave me alone,

These wounds won't seem to heal,
This pain is just too real,
There's just too much that time cannot erase,

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears,
When you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears,
and I held your hand through all of these years,
But you still...have...all of me,

You used to captivate me,
by your resignating mind,
now i'm bound by the life you left behind,
Your face it haunts,
my once pleasant dreams,
your voice it chased away,
all the sanity in me,

These wounds won't seem to heal,
this pain is just too real,
there's just too much that time cannot erase,

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears,
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears,
and I held your hand through all of these years,
but you still...have...all of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that your gone,
but though you're still with me,
I've been alone all along,

When you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears,
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears,
and I held your hand through all of these years,
but you still...have...all of me

The Writer


She writes by the moonlight.
She builds castles in the sand,
Knowing the water will destroy it,
No matter how large or grand.

On paper her pen betrays her.
Spelling out every feeling and thought.
Writing down every dream and desire,
That she had ever sought.

She draws pictures in the smoke,
Knowing before she looks, it's gone.
Yet she does all these things,
With a smile and a song.

She doesn't care what she looks like,
Or what other people think,
She only cares about emotion,
And what comes out with the ink.

Her soul is in every poem.
Every story hold her mind.
And deep inside those sad eyes,
Is the most beautiful person you'll ever find.


Whiskey

Well we went to Frankenmuth for our 1st year anniversary. We went and got this awesome room at the Hampton Inn in Birch Run. They were a helluva lot cheaper than the actual hotels in Frankenmuth. Birch Run is right off of I-75 and only a few miles from Frankenmuth so it was a better deal all together just to stay in Birch Run. Besides they have Outlet store across the way from where we were staying.

So we get up there and check into the hotel, the room is gorgeous. I t had a King sized bed and a jacuzzi tub right in the room. Even though a twin bed was all I reall wanted for our stay... I f you get what I am saying.... he he he. Anyway it was really nice and then we went to Frankenmuth and went to the Bavarian Inn to have dinner.

This is just a regular family oriented restaurant... I mean its world famous, but there wasn't any reason of why the next few events happened.

So we wait in this horribly long line just to be seated, and we wait and we wait some more. Finally we are seated and the waitress was very nice and brought our drinks and what not. Then she brought some of the salad and appetizer items. So I stuck my fork in some berry relish or something? I wasn't sure of what it was or how it tasted so I took some and put it in my mouth.

Then I was scolded and told that I am rude and don't have any manners by Brian.
We are not in a 5 star restaurant and we are not dining with anyone else but just the 2 of us.

WHAT THE FUCK DOES IT MATTER? If i took something and didn't put it on my plate first before trying it?

What if I didn't like it? Why would I want something that I didn't like on my plate to make my other food taste just like it.

So he went on to say how its not my fault that I don't have any manners because of the way I was brought up.

So basically he belittled me during our anniversary dinner, in public and then expects me to be all happy and go lucky. It took all I had not to just fucking get up and walk out. He made me feel, again, like I was lower than fucking dirt!

I cried! I have never cried in public before. He hurt me so much and over nothing that mattered?

It hasn't been the same in our relationship since.


Whiskey

Never say I love you
If you don't really care.
Never talk about feelings
If they aren't really there.

Never hold my hand
If you're gonna break my heart
Never say you're going to
If you don't plan to start.

Never look into my eyes
If all you do is lie.
Never say hello
If you really mean goodbye.

If you really mean forever
Then say you will try.
Never say Forever
Cause forever makes me cry.

I thought that I would never find True Love
That I would walk Alone throughout my life
But then You came and fit me like a glove
The Woman who's Destined to be my wife

You have Completed me, made me Whole
After all my waiting and searching
I've found the one to hold my Heart and Soul
And I am happier than I've ever been

I'll proclaim my Love for You with each Breath
The only thing to part us will be Death
And even then our Love will Transcend time
Forever I am Yours and You are Mine


BRIAN

Today I let go.

Gone is the blame for my past sins.

Gone is the hopelessness that I feel when I find myself overwhelmed by every day life.

Gone is the shame of hidden secrets.

Gone is my wish to push everyone I love out of my life.

I hope it isn't too late. I hope the damage I have done can be reversed before I am left alone. I can no longer bear the tears that I have brought on to my Brian, watching him suffer because I suffer. Today I let him into my mind. I'm afraid he won't like what he sees. Terrified he will leave and what I will do if he's not there. I can never be alone.

Although I am never alone.

Today I am with Christ.
I can save myself. Be happy. Allow myself to be loved.
I will be whole again.


Whiskey

I saw you yesterday as you began your daily chores. You awoke without kneeling to pray. As a matter of fact, you didn’t even bless your food or pray before going to bed last night. You are so unthankful. I like that about you. I cannot tell you how glad I am that you have not changed your way of living.

Fool, you are mine. Remember, you and I have been going steady for years and I don’t love you yet. As a matter of fact, I hate you because I hate God. I'm only using you to get even with God. He kicked me out of Heaven and I’m going to use you as long as possible to pay him back.

You see fool, God loves you and He has great plans for you, but you have yielded your life to me and Im going to make your life a living hell. That way we'll be together twice, this will really hurt God. Thanks to you, I’m really showing Him who's boss in your life. With all the good times we have had, watching dirty movies, cussing folks out, partying, stealing, lying, cheating, being a hypocrite, fornicating, committing immoral acts, over=eating, smoking, drinking, doing drugs, playing hooky from church, telling dirty jokes, gossiping, and backstabbing folks. Surely you don't want to give all of this up.

Come on fool, lets burn together forever! I've got some hot plans for us.

This is just a letter of appreciation from me to you. I'd like to say thanks for letting me use you for most of your life. Fool, you are gullible. I laugh at you when you are tempted to sin and give in. Ha! Ha! Ha! You even make me sick!!!
Sin is beginning to take it's toll on your life. You look twenty years older. I need some new blood. So go ahead, teach the little kids how to sin. All you have to do is smoke, drink, cheat, gamble, gossip, fornicate, cuss, over eat, miss Sunday school and week night services, party hearty, and listen and dance to top ten jams. Do all of this in the presence of children and they will want to do it too. Kids are like that.

Well, I've got to go for now. I'll be back in a few seconds to tempt you again. If you were smart, you would run somewhere, confess your sins and live for God with what little bit of life you have left. Are you one of those people who have forgotten how many times God has reached down and pulled you out of my clutches of death? It's not my nature to warn anyone, but to be your age and still sinning is becoming a bit ridiculous. Don’t get me wrong, I still hate you. It's just that you'd make a better fool for Christ. If you really love me you will not share this letter.

Satan

Well GG is no longer with us. I am having an extremely hard time coming to terms with this. I worked with her for over 7 months and she was almost like family to me. Well thats how close we were.
This is how it happened.

Friday morning went like it always did and I left and she was in good spirits and very much "Alive".
Saturday morning I get a phone call from the emergency room at Memorial Hospital, saying that she is asking for me to come up and sit with her until they get her a room. They of course cannot give me any information over the phone, so I go up there thinking that this is going to be another one of her fake "I need attention" hospital visits.

She has only had been up to the Emergency room 5 times in the last month sooo I was skeptical...
I get there and she is laying there in triage, this time has more monitors and what not hooked up to her. Her nurse comes in and says that the doctor should be in any time now to give me some information and ask some questions. So I said ok.

He comes in and tells me that she has a fracture in her L5 vertebre... And that they were going to fly her out to Sparrow hospital to correct it, but with her lungs being the way that they were, she wouldn't make it past the anesthesia. He also said that it had been there for a while. A old break?

So he continues to tell me that she is going to be able to go home On Monday after the Physical Therapy people come up and take a look at her.

So they roll her up into a room and leave her there with me.

Apparently she woke up at 5am to go to the bathroom and couldn't get up. Couldn't move. So she pulled her cord that was by her bed at home, and the guy next door came and called her daughter, CP, who said call emergency and get her up there to the hospital.

I called CP, as soon as I could get a chance after they called me. I asked her to come up because it was more serious then they had thought. She had Spineosis of the Spine on top of having a fracture in the L5 vertebre.

So she is in a horrid amout of pain and they give her some medication and we had to wait to see what was going to happen.

Well she was there for a few days and was in so much pain that they gave her a small overdose of Morphine... and it filled her lungs full of fluid and suffocated her. Best part is that the doctor never got in trouble because her daughter CP never reported it!

I cry...

Whiskey

Maybe its just the way that the earth smells as it braces for change. It could be the smell of leaves turning colors in the cooling breeze. In the process of dying, or even just hybernation, the earth revels in the thought of new life and the posiblities that lie therein.

I love fall for the crispness in the air as you take a morning jog. It reminds me of thick fuzzy sweaters and sitting cuddled up next to a bonfire or fireplace with some hot chocolate or alcoholic beverage of your choice. It reminds me of my love for Brian, for we met in October...

Even the smell of burning leaves is inviting and there is nothing in the world remotely like this. Just a pure, earthy, wholesome goodness of a smell If I could bottle this scent, this feeling, I would be a fairly wealthy woman.

And then it rains... The most beautiful coolness on my skin.

I will get married in the fall. Brian likes this idea as well... Our spirits seem to coincide more and more over time. Especially in the fall... I don't know what it is... But it sure captures and captivates me...

hmmmmm... (sighs as she cuddles her warm, soft blanket and pets the purring Jack on her lap.)



Whiskey

I don't know what you were thinking. Hell, I don't even want to know. It explains a lot. Why you never wanted to be home, why you always had to be up-north, why you couldn't ever be there for us when we needed you to be. And to tell you the truth it was never really about us. 15 YEARS!!! 15 fucking years of you telling us how to be and teaching us the supposed "right thing" to do.
You gave up on me when I was 12, so this isn't about me...

How fucking dare you do this to her...

How could you do this to "us" as a family....

And sit on it for 15 years....

And you stood there telling me how much of a fuck up I was, you let me feel like shit the entire time that I was in school because you didn't care. You couldn't even change for the better after the accident and still lie to us. You make Shelley and I feel worthless compared to your money and you cabin and your boats and your toys...You don't care about what happened to our lives, you never did take any interest in us until we got our report cards...

I hate me!!! I've always hated me, I have never been able to measure up to the icy heights of your expectations. Every time I tried to do something, anything to make you proud of me, you throw me back down. I will never be good enough for anything...

I have to look at you every day. I have to face the mirror that looks like you and talks like you because I am a female clone of you. I will never be good enough...I wasn't pretty enough, I wasn't skinny enough... No man would ever want me... I'm a whore... I'm a drunk... I'm a druggie... That's what you think...

All I wanted from you was to be loved and you couldn't even do that. You were never there all the times I needed you and all the times when I needed someone to talk to...

To think I forgave you for all the times you cursed and swore at us...All the things that you said to us to purposely hurt us...

You, single handedly, let our family fall apart...

I'M SO DISAPPOINTED IN YOU!!!


Whiskey