I let go.

Gone is the blame for my past sins.

Gone is the hopelessness that I feel when I find myself overwhelmed by every day life.

Gone is the shame of hidden secrets.

GONE is the SHAME that he made me feel for not being PERFECT!!!

Gone is my wish to make everyone I love happy first.

TODAY ITS MY TURN!

I hope it isn't too late. I hope the damage I have done can be reversed. I can no longer bear the tears that I have brought myself. The tears I have allowed Brian and everyone else inflict on my heart and soul.

Today I let him go and let the chains and torture he was to my mind fall away. I always was afraid he won't like what he sees here. Now I don't give a fuck. I have always been Terrified he would leave and what I would do if he wasn't here. Now I know that he was a joke. Just having me around to help pay his way and as a fuck toy.

I now can be Alone.

Although I am never alone.

I can save myself. Be happy. Allow myself to be loved for the captivating woman that I am.

I will be whole again.

I WILL GAIN MY SANITY BACK FROM YOU.

You loved me, but you never knew who I was!

Today I let you go! You no longer will plague my mind, my heart, nor my soul. I toss you away, just like the trash you made me out to be.

Good Bye



Whiskey

I can't fight this feeling any longer.
And yet I'm still afraid to let it flow.
What started out as friendship, Has grown stronger.
I only wish I had the strength to let it show.

I tell myself that I can't hold OUT forever.
I said there is no reason for my fear.
Cause I feel so secure when we're together.
You give my life direction,
You make everything so clear.

And even as I WANDER,
I'm keeping you in sight.
You're a candle in the window,
On a cold, dark winter's night.

And I'm getting closer than I ever THOUGHT I MIGHT.

And I can't fight this feeling anymore.
I've forgotten what I started fighting for.
It's time to bring this ship into the shore,
And throw away the oars, forever.

Cause I can't fight this feeling anymore.
I've forgotten what I started fighting for.
And if I have to crawl upon the floor,
Come crashing through your door,

Baby, I can't fight this feeling anymore.

My life has been such a whirlwind since I saw you.
I've been running round in circles in my mind.
And it always seems that I'm following you, girl,
Cause you take me to the places,
That alone I'd never find.

And even as I wander,
I'm keeping you in sight.
You're a candle in the wind,
On a cold, dark winter's night.

And I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might.
And I can't fight this feeling anymore.
I've forgotten what I started fighting for.
It's time to bring this ship into the shore,
And throw away the oars, forever.

Cause I can't fight this feeling anymore.
I've forgotten what I started fighting for.
And if I have to crawl upon the floor,
Come crashing through your door,
Baby, I can't fight this feeling anymore.

You go from being so totally in love with someone, believing that their family loves you and really cares what happens to you, BEING HAPPIER THAN YOU HAVE EVER BEEN, and being so blind to all that could possibly go wrong because they were such good liars. Or was it that he was such a good con artist.

So this was my dress... The dress shop refunded the money that I PAID for my dress to Brian's mother. She told them that she had reinbursed me for the dress and all the favors. When in actuality she paid me so that I could pay for the rest of the dress because I TOLD HER AND BRIAN that I WANTED THE DAMN DRESS. So all my brides maids and myself got FUCKED over because Brian and his family are liars.

Forever will be known as the day that my life changed... I have completely lost it. The only thing that is keeping me from killing myself right now is the thought of him taking everything I have now. How his mother would revel in that. All I am to them was a money grubbing whore who never made her lil boy happy. I wasn't pretty enough... skinny enough... Nothing I did was ever good enough. But yet they all sat there... pretending to my face to like me to even love me, lying, and secretly plotting against me. She was histarically happy when I called her to tell her that Brian cheated on me. She said, "Honey, we will get through this." and the ever popular "Whatever you need just call."

So I sit here alone waiting for some light to come through this day. For some instance of maybe Brian being that man that I spent my life with so far. No he didn't call. He didn't acknowledge that I even existed... I am sorry... How FUCKING cold can you be...?

That's ok... I am done feeling like I am the one who needs to change. I love myself... I hate myself for letting him make me feel this way... My best friend tonight is my bottle of southern comfort...

There are a few people that I have to thank tonight... Jason, Rochelle and Jacque for actually taking the time to make sure that I was ok... People that actually gave a damn... There are so many people that have let me down that I am just at the point of becoming reclusive and focusing on the people who actually give a shit. So thanks guys ... you are the greatest and I don't take you for granted.

Life is change and I will be fine... just tonight I reserve the right to go crazy.

It's strange to hear your voice, I did not expect for you to call
You wonder how I'm doin, how I'm holding up since you've been gone

Well, how am I doing since you did, what you've done to me
I can't lie, I sometimes cry, when I think of how it used to be
I keep my friends with me, I stay busy, and I don't get much sleep
Baby that's how i'm doing since you did, what you done to me

Well now wait one minute, I failed to mention, those tears I cried are tears of joy
Because it was no fun, there under your thumb, and now that we're done
I'm getting right, every night, with every single, every loving guy in sight

Well, how am I doing since you did, what you've done to me
I can't lie, I sometimes cry, when I think of how it used to be
I keep my friends with me, I stay busy, and I don't get much sleep
Baby that's how i'm doing since you did, what you done to me

Well, when all my friends heard, what a you know what you were
They took me out on the town
But then I heard our song, and I danced along, but it felt all wrong
Cause he was sweet, he let me lead, he never took his ever lovin eyes off me

Well, how am I doing since you did, what you've done to me
I can't lie, I sometimes cry, when I think of how it used to be
I keep my friends with me, I stay busy, and I don't get much sleep
Baby that's how i'm doing since you did, what you done to me

Well I don't know what you were thinking, running round on me
Well, now you say you're sorry.....well honey I agree

So, how are you doing since you did, what you did to me
Boy don't lie, I know you cried...cause you know how good it used to be
Yeah, tell me does the thought of, loosing my true love, make it hard to sleep

Baby how are you doing since you did what you done to me
Now how are you doing, now that you know how I'm doing
Since you did what you done to me

There are so many memories that flood my mind and my brain at times where they shouldn't. Like when I am dancing with someone else, or when someone else is holding my hand in theirs. When I am driving to work, or even home from... I am bombarded with the things that I don't want to remember. Things that literally drive me crazy. Its not fair to me... FUCK! Its not fair to the new man and or men that will love me...

In my mind, in my heart, and in my soul... I wore that ring for 6 months showing it off to everyone, being so proud that I actually had found someone that was worth me settling down with. Telling everyone that there was no one else that could make me so happy. That there was nothing in this world that would have made me happier. Someone who loved me... as much or maybe even more than I loved him. Linking my life with his family whom, at the time, were more than nice to me. All my struggles in life, all the things that I have to endure... made sense... for one moment my world was right.

Even those times when I was down there in our bed and making love to you... Looking you in the eyes and you telling me you loved me. Touching my face and making me believe that life was worth letting go of inhibitions for. Looking you in the eyes as I gave to you myself without abandon... Doing things to you that I did not particularly enjoy, but I did them for you. For you! EVERYTHING was for You! Do you even remember that? Me looking up at you... loving your body, loving at the moment what I was doing while I was there. So intently stroking your ego with every breath and every smack, all the while you knew... you would never marry me. I was the happy idiot. I cared nothing for myself... Only of you.

But I am the cheater... I am the whore... I am the lying bitch... and you were never happy?

AND YET... I came home, every night to the man I loved. That was YOU.

People don't stay... for 4 years if they aren't happy. What did you have to gain in going through the last 6 months pretending to love me... buying rings... going with me to look at outfits for you??? Putting money on the caterer... DJ... Talking of flowers and having my family and friends get measured for dresses and paying for that.

That is what tortures me everyday. I don't have anyone to support me through this... but you have the family that thinks that you smell of nothing but roses. Pays your way though life and picks up the mess and all the little pieces and strings you left behind. The family that now treats and talks of me like I am trash...

I think its really funny.. that you cannot even sit down and have lunch with me or get some coffee just to talk.. Its too SAD for you... WAS THIS SHIT NOT YOUR DOING? WAS IT NOT WHAT YOU WANTED????

Its not my fault that you handled everything they way YOU did. I hope you find comfort in the computer and the tv and all the material things that you thought you were depriving me of...

All I wanted was for you to love me enough to respect me... not to run my name into the ground... and to treat me like a person not a piece of trash... You still can't do it. Because... you are NOT a man, just a boy hiding from life under mommy's skirts, trying to please her when you can.

Am I sad... umm yea. In those fleeting moments when I look back on anything that was good in our relationship only to enjoy them for a brief moment and then them crumble under the facts and the truths that whisper themselves to me. Everything was one huge lie out of you, your family, and the lot. But only in those fleeting moments do I even think of you...

I have a computer, a tv, and I will be able to buy all those little things which you thought you could deprive me of... All I lack is the one who will replace you... I will find him.

Well anyways... Life is good. Just paid my 2nd months rent by myself. I walked up to that box and so dropped that rent check in and said... "I am getting there." sighed and walked to my car to go work my ass off to afford next months and then some :) I finally bought a computer too and I got an awesome deal woot!

the hmmmm part of my post is this....

I was in a particular bar that my friend Jason and I go to, to watch the different bands play. We don't usually get anything but a soda or so but thats what I like. I like to remember what they sounded like. SO. He and I walk in... and we look for a table and what not like always. He puts quarters down to play pool and... THERE SHE SITS!!! ( or at least a very good replica of her) Cherie the girl Brian fucked me over with.... and best part of all of this is.... SHE WASN'T WITH HIM!!! Some other guy. Same nappy blonde, dark root growing, front toothless woman that was and is a home wrecker.

OK! I am a good girl. I really am. :) So I sat down with a few of Jason's friends that I had been introduced to before. I smile and I was really having a good time and she gets up and apparently she saw me too... lol and left with her man??? who knows but I just find it funny. I didn't make any gestures. I didn't get up and say "Hey, How is Brian?" in front of her date. No, and I did not make a scene because let me tell ya... there would have been a lot of people who would have wanted to take her out. But I am better than that. So that was my hmmm ... moment.

So I know what all yall are thinking... Why don't I just call him up and say "Look your hoe is just that and she isn't hoeing out with you." Number one I don't care about him and his heart. He had no regard for mine and really deserves all the heartache he has caused me so why should I even say a word? and Second he wouldn't believe me anyway. To him, in his mind and his family's now, I am nothing but a lying bitch. Because thats what he has said of me for the last 4 years. So Whats the sense in wasting my breath.

I know you come here. For what? Who knows. Maybe you feel guilty, maybe you even feel that you are entitled to some part of my life or information that I am unhappy or something. Who knows what you think, who knows what your intentions are. Who the fuck really cares.

I am not unhappy. I am not miserable. I am going out and having the time of my life simply because I can. I have friends who are not vindictive and people who really care for me. I take refuge and sanctuary in many of my friendships. Whether they be male or female is not your concern. Nor should you be able to make any judgment on my character simply because I hang out with men. If I have dinner, watch a movie, or even have sex with them is not something that you will ever be allowed to have an opinion on. I thank you for your little comment on my MYSPACE page.

If you were a real man... you would have left a real comment. But then again intelligence is not measured by penis size or your sex drive. If it were, you would be lacking in many areas.

I loved you... Parts of me even still love you. But the thing that hurts me the most is the fact that you think... that I would do something to you, your family, your stupid car. You spent 4 years with me and you stayed, lived, slept, fucked, possibly loved a crazy, psychotic killer, idiot? I am not stupid. But you are... if you think that I would want to hurt you in any way.

Am I happy that you are miserable... sometimes it tickles my fancy I have to admit, but I certainly don't wish you any harm. I do wish you the same level of self doubt, and the fact that I no longer trust people, these gifts you have bestowed unto me. You did not have to handle the end of "US" as you did. You still don't have to be an asshole. But you choose to be. You choose your unhappiness and really I believe Karma is not through with you yet. The only thing that I am even mad at is the fact that I wasted my life with you. I wasted 4 years of being myself and finding someone who wouldn't do this bullshit to me. Who wouldn't make me feel that I had to submit to several acts of abuse just to make you happy. Your pleasure for my pain... I could have already been with someone who truly may have loved me.


You know nothing about me. You never wanted to. You were too busy with your doom and gloom and painting a picture of me to you family that you NEVER took the time. You say that I am a liar and that all I did was take from you. I find that funny. You said that I took all the things that you left in my apartment and that I TOOK the rings that we spent 3 days trying to find together, just so that I could hock them. I NEVER asked for any of that. You gave it to me. And who was the one who continues to tell me things like... "I will take care of it"... or even the day when you left to be with her... "I love you"

Why the hell would I give up something that you bought me that meant more than all the money in the world? Those rings that I wore on my hand meant more to me because they were a reminder of the fact that maybe there was a time or one moment that you truly loved me. I figured, why would you spend that much money on something unless you really wanted to do it? Why would you promise to marry me... if you KNEW! you did not love me. I believed in you, your family, what they said to me. That is what those rings mean to me. So NO, I won't and have not taken them to a pawn shop. I will eventually trade up and get something that means something for myself. So while you are slinging names around and talking shit about me to perfect strangers... why don't you look in the mirror....

Thats the difference between you and I. I am not all about the money. I am not materialistic... I didn't have to have anything to make me feel loved. I let you have what you wanted when you wanted...

Look at all the things that you have... Purely because you lead me on for 4 years making me believe that you were happy and in love with me... but yet here I am happier than I think I ever truly was with you.

You are more than welcome to continue to visit this site or any of my others. But All I ask of you is that you at least say something instead of lurking around like a coward, tryin to find something to make yourself smell more like roses than your rotting carcass of a heart already does.

I love you but I am over you. I will eventually forgive you but it will take a lot. But then again... you aren't worried about forgivness are you?

Well I have finally subscribed to Eharmony and so far am having a good response to my ad. Dating is so hard. But I tell you what I wouldn't have it any other way at the moment. I can see who I want and I don't have to answer to anyone. My apartment is my place and I can chose to have anyone visit that I want, when I want and for what I want. I no longer have to even ask permission for my friends and family to come over and visit.

So there are several people that I have started dating and so far its been fun. I have went out and danced and really have had a great time with people that aren't stuck in the mud. People who actually want to live life instead of always being inside and never doing anything. A few I have good connections to and I love being able to make new friends.

There is one in particular that I have my eye on. He respects me. He opens doors for me and basically is a man that is courteous and loving by nature. Not standoffish and rude like Brian. He is also considerate that I work alot and makes time for me. He also supports the idea that I have dreams and goals that I want to achieve. So who knows where it may lead. Hopefully to something that will last and be true. :)

Work is going great. There are somethings that are alot different from my last job in Owosso but things will go better once I am fully trained and am in the know of all the workings there. The people I work with are great and in the last 2 weeks I have worked 116 hours. So I am on my way.

It feels really good that my bills are being paid and on time. I am empowered by the fact that I don't need or want a man to be in control anymore.

All in all at this time... Life is great.

I have been more than civil to you and adult about this... You are so lucky that I am not someone else... That I loved you enough to let you go. You never let me walk out on you all those times because you are a selfish asshole.

I was the only one trying in our relationship to change. You never were the problem...??? Bullshit.

You should feel bad Brian! You should be the one having to go to counceling. NOT ME!

Straight up you fucked with my life. You let someone walk into our lives and completely take everything that you and I have built the last four years... IN JUST 3 WEEKS.

You have no regard for anything of mine because you took anything that truly mattered. My heart, my trust in anyone including myself, my self worth.

The only attitude that I exude from me is the fact that I am more than angry... If you don't understand that... because apparently thats all I did was cheat on you... then you really never were in it in the first place. You never wanted us to work thats why you gave up so quickly.

I worked my ass off Brian for six fucking months just to find the job that you met Cherie at. Then you cheated on me. WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO FEEL? Relieved? Thankful? Because some woman walked into our lives and decided that she was going to try anything, say anything to get you in her bed, to get you from me, to whisper promises of the future so great that they are more than you and I can ever attain? The fact that you were so weak minded and disrespectful of me and my wishes and the love that I had given you, that you went ahead and while I slept talked to her on the phone to plan your deception. I even answered it when it was her and handed you the phone when you had just gotten out of the shower... I gave you to her on a silver platter.

But It doesn't have anything to do with her??? then why are you already starting a life with her? Why is it so easy for you to blame all your fucked up problems on me and so easy just to walk away from me, our lives and our cats, our home, our plans and our future?


I NEVER NEVER NEVER TOUCHED, KISSED, MADE LOVE TO ANYONE BUT YOU IN THE LAST 4 YEARS. I GAVE MY ALL TO YOU. I GAVE FULLY OF MYSELF. And all you could do was cheat on me and throw me to the trash the very first chance you got.

You can believe what you want... but Rochelle, Shawn, my sister and anyone else that is close to me will tell you... I would have told someone.

I WOULD HAVE LEFT BEFORE ANYTHING EVER HAPPENED!!! I WOULD NEVER HAVE AGREED TO MARRY YOU... IF THERE WERE EVER SOMEONE ELSE!

IF YOUR PARENTS OR FAMILY HAD PULLED ME ASIDE AND SAID"SHERRY BRIAN ISN'T HAPPY!!" I WOULD HAVE LEFT YOU.

I told you that I would leave you before you would have to choose between your family and me. I would have walked out...

I listened to everything you said...You are soooo cold. "I've given up. Sorry it didn't work out." What the fuck is that bullshit?"

"I have been too honest with you or youwould not know what you do in the first place" What I do???

YOU were never honest with me. Everything you told me, everytime that you whispered in my ear that you loved me, or held me, was a fucking lie. And you expect me to just walk away and be perfectly ok just because you let me have stuff that should have been my right in the first place.

Sorry to say pal life isn't just that cut and dry. I am glad though, that it is for you.

Answer all my questions... and I will walk away. But you will know how you have destroyed me. You already know you have. You make me feel like trash. I know you laugh about it because the last time I asked you anything... you giggled.

I asked you... to take care of the candle situation. YOU, not your mother your brother or the ass down the street. YOU. Because YOU know what is mine and what was bought. Photos... I had a shoe box full of photos that are missing... the blender that you don't need because you have one on your mixer, my cd's, my computer games, like sims and all that. Its all in your stuff. DO you want your staff thingy that was behind the computer desk, left over books, and dolphin shit, clothes, othe misc stuff that you left behind to torture my soul further?

I want my life back. I want the answers... I want to be able to be happy again... Thats all I want...

If thats not adult and civil then I am sorry... But then you tell me what I am supposed to feel, do, want. You have no idea, what you have done to me. What hurts the most... is that you and I were so close you walking away and not letting me say what I needed to. You threw me away.

You don't care.


If I had the photos I would give them to you, I do not I have gone through everything again they are not there, have you checked the hall closet? The blender is mine my grandma specifically said to make sure I got it. I did leave your few computer games there we never could find all the sims disks remember. The candle stuff I will drop off sometime this week

What questions? And you were caught several times online counts meeting some guy downsate for a date saying that you love him, when supposed to be seeing Rochelle or Barb counts. Flirting with guys online then saying you can't wait to see them at school counts.

I tried to get things to change YOLU NEVER LISTENED and still don't nothing ever registers with you. In my heart for a long time we had no plans and no future. I do care but you have said the same things over an over and I cannot make things any better by letting you yell at me.

I am going to take you to court. I am sorry but this is bullshit. I thought that at the very least you could have enough respect and moral character to not take things that I would want or need or things that I couldn't replace like Photos.

You completly have broken me and you know it... But thats the thing, You don't care. I will be making a report on Tuesday and I am sure that the police will contact you after that.

I have been more than civil. I gave you everything you wanted... including a free fucking pass out of my life. You are the one that continues this shit. All I want is my stuff and the things that are due to me.

Candles and all supplies included. I will be having a police escort for that as well. Because I have the receipts for everything.

Have a great life and when you become the same way and she fucks you over like Lisa did... I won't be there to pick up your pieces this time. Nor will I pay your way to afford life like I did before. You asked that of me and look where it got me. My car and all the promises you made to me are broken. You just didn't have the balls to let me end it. You don't even realize what you have put me through. You and your family were my life... But even that you took from me. You are so cold.


Until then

Sherry



You have no grounds to take me to court or involve the police.
If you want your candle stuff tell Kris she already told you she would bring it to you or you could go get it, you know that it is there and I do not have it. I told you any photos you wanted a copy of I would but allmost all were on the computer and you have a copy of.

And if you want to play the reciept card then I will take the bed and furniture. I have nothing of yours I have been more then generous so that I wouldn't feel bad, but your attitude has more then solved that problem. I have been too honest with you or you would not know what you do in the first place. And quit with the two year thing I never met Cherie until aftyer you did. If I had planned anything with her that long ago then I would have used all that payout money on her and me not you and me. If you want tyo be civil and adult I will be happy to communicate through email with you but if you can't just stop.

Brian,


Why can't you talk to me about what YOU did to ME? So apparently you never loved me and I was right when I said that I was just your glorified fucking roomate. There WITH YOU just to pay the way to what you wanted and then you throw me away like a piece of trash?

There were 3 times where I was going to leave you... you stood in my way and made me stay! If you wanted to be with other people fucking 2 years ago...
WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T YOU!!!

WHY DID YOU MAKE ME STAY AND WASTE MORE TIME ON YOU?
TAKING CARE OF YOU?
CRYING WITH YOU AND HOLDING YOUR HAND?
LOVING YOU WHEN YOU KNEW YOU NEVER LOVED ME?
MAKING LOVE TO A MAN THAT NEVER LOVED ME?
BELIEVING IN YOU?

3 FUCKING TIMES I ASKED YOU IF YOU WERE REALLY READY TO GET MARRIED... EVERYTIME YOU SAID YES!

HOW MANY TIMES WHEN YOU SAID "MY SHERRY" DID YOU REALLY THINK OF HER???

So how many other women were you with when you were with me? Was there ever a time when for one moment... you were truly honest with me? That you really loved me?

I gave you 4 years BRIAN! 4 years that you wasted and stole from me. I could have been with someone that actually gave a shit... loved me...

You've got your mother and your sister and your family
Oh and your toothless homewrecking bitch...
Every other undercover
Tellin' you what to say "weak minded bastard"
You think I'm stupid
But the truth is
That it's cupid, baby
Lovin' you has MADE me this way
So before you point your finger
Get your hands off of my trigger
Oh yeah
You need to know this situation's getting old
And now the more you talk
The less I can say, oh

I'm looking for attention
Not another question
Should you stay or should you go?
Well, if you don't have the answer
Why you still standin' here?
Hey, hey, hey, hey
Just walk away
Just walk away
Just walk away

I waited here for you
Like a kid waiting after school
So tell me how come you never showed?
I gave you everything
And never asked for anything
And look at me
I'm THE ONE all alone
So, before you start defendin'
Baby, stop all your pretendin "FAKE BASTARD"
I know you know
I know
So what's the point in being slow
Let's get the show on the road today

Hey!

I'm looking for attention
Not another question
Should you stay or should you go?
Well, if you don't have the answer
Why you still standin' here?
Hey, hey, hey, hey
Just walk away
Just walk away
Just walk away

I want a love
I want a fire
To feel the burn in
My desires
I wanna man by my side
Not a boy who runs and hides "COWARDLY FUCK"
Are you gonna fight for me?
Die for me?
Live and breathe for me?
Do you care for me?'
Cause if you don't then just leave.

Walk away
Walk away


I find it funny that all the times that I wanted to leave his ass... The only thing standing in my way was him. He was afraid to lose me? Now he has thrown me out like trash... And he has lost me. He has even claimed that I was the cause of his health problems... thats fucking funny... I was the one taking care of his ass.

Hi There,

I am sorry that I haven't been in touch. I am just trying to work all of this out in my head because I am so truly lost. He is trying to blame ALL his health problems on me. ALL his skin issues.. everything. All I ever did was cater to him and take care of HIM. It was never about me. Now about him saying that he felt like this for 2 years is bullshit and a total cop out. He found someone he wanted to be with... he fucked up and he just wants to make it seem as if he is the victim. He has always done this very well. If he was unhappy for that long... don't you think that his parents or sister or family or even you would have set me aside and said hun I am not sure whats going on but this is what we know. But therein lies the problem... NO ONE KNEW. His family basically has disowned me... they think that all this is ok and that him leaving me over this woman is the best thing that happened to him.

The day before he completely took his shit out of my apartment was the day he called the cops on me because I wouldnt give him the extra set of keys to his car. Mind you his name was still on the lease and had the extra set of keys to my car and the apartment. I was holding them till he took his name off the lease and everything was transferred over. I didn't think that was such a big thing to ask for. He even tried to man handle them from me. I simply told him no, he got into my face and I got in my car locked it and waited for the cops. They told him that there was nothing they could do. Just to get his shit and go and be done with it.

He has already started a life beyond me... He kept putting off taking care of this situation and getting his shit and went up to visit his toothless bitch twice instead of taking care of me and getting his shit out of my life. Oh and he paid his car off too. Just in time to get rid of me. I think that is kind of conveinent. Considering that he would have never been able to afford anything or have what he does if I wasn't there. Roomate with Benefits...?

I gave him many, MANY, times to tell me or to change his mind or to take a break. What doesn't make sense though is that he said he didn't tell me in January because he didn't want to lose me??? OK HE FUCKING WALKED OUT ON EVERYTHING! He lost me.... but not until he found someone. So here I am broken and bruised and he just doesn't give a shit. Nor does his family. My life is ruined but its ok for him to carry on with his new life....???

But I am doing well. I am trying to be as independent as possible. I have had to fork out most of the money for the rest of the wedding crap that we already had... And he even paid part of his credit card with my bank account info...

But I love my job. Have you found anything? I am working for a place called Rose Place here is the website so you can check it out. Watch the video for it. They are hiring too... well always really. I really love it. Everyone is so nice and this program is soooo awesome. I get paid decently for what it is and where I live from it. They also offer benefits... but the best part is that they really do what they say they are going to do here. It's not like CMH and say that they are trying to teach people to live independently. It really happens here. We have people that move on from this program. We also are fed. If you work in the morning you get lunch and breakfast and if you work at night you get dinner. We eat all together with everyone and its really fun.

I so thank GOD for this job Mike. If I didn't have it I would be soooo not in a good place. He really fucked me and I am happy to report though that I am already seeing some people... Oh and if you have any single friends let me know.... If he can go on and have a life without me then why can't I do it without him?

I have since only really broke down a few times and have taken 2 days off of work but I am handling everything really well. I am really mourning the wasted time. Maybe I made Brian a more confident person...? Who knows but alll around he is an asshole and really is an idiot. I don't think he ever really loved me to tell you the truth. I think I was just a conveinece after Lisa... I was there willing to work and pay half the bills and he took advantage of the fact that I was young and stupid. I just hope that this girl doesn't fuck him up... I have heard that she does this... OH WELL! KARMA is a bitch and what he doesn't know... is that he has it coming.

I will call soon. I would like to get together and what not... I am so into having a good time because he never really wanted to do anything or go anywhere. The only time we went out was with K and M. I am however really enjoying being myself. Thats the saddest part... I lost myself in this relationship. I was NEVER able to be me. He Never wanted to know ME. Instead I was told that it was me always being the problem... but after all of this... I now see that he was the problem. He NEVER once tried to change for me. But that was all I was doing for him. I was folding and molding myself to conform to this 4x4 box of shit that he wanted me to be. I will never let myself be in this postition again. No man will ever control me nor will I let them put me under their thumb. In that I thank god that this happend. What if we had kids/? OMG I WOULD HAVE KILLED HIM FOR REAL.

I don't have to worry about coming home or asking when I can go somewhere or if it was ok if I stayed later.... He controled everything.

I went out and got my hair cut. I have lost some weight.. I have been more active and am rarely at the apartment alone. I feel better and I am happy really. He doesn't think that I am entitled to my emotions. Thats so wrong. What does he expect me to do... roll over and die??? Sorry but thats not going to happen! I will NEVER forgive him for this...

I thank you for being there for me and tellin him what for... lol I am just at the point where I want to move on and find someone that really is for me. Who knows maybe I will do that Eharmony thing.... :)

Ok but I am at work and having to chart so I will let you go and I will talk to you later
My number is ... I changed it for my job.

I hope everything with you guys is great. Give the baby a kiss for me. I really am doing better than I thought I would

Thanks again,


Whiskey

I haven't posted in a while because my life has been turned upside down... My heart is broken and shattered and I am trying in vain to pick up the pieces.

I caught Brian in a lie about a week and a half ago. I had just gotten home from the first day of work at 1230am and was exhausted and I went straight to bed. I got up at about 11am that morning and Brian was already up and ready to go somewhere. He told me that he was going to go out and buy some new sandles before he couldn't anymore... and that he was going to go for a walk... ok at the time I was too tired to relise that it was almost 90 degrees outside at the time he told me that. So I said ok and I kissed him and told him that I loved him like normal and he went about his business. I wake up at like 130pm and Relise that he still wasn't back so I called him and he sent my call straight to voicemail... so I called again.. same thing.

I left a message and asked if everything was ok and if he was gonna come back home before work... So I got in the shower cause I had to get ready for work. I am in there when he calls back. I finish my shower and get out to get the phone and check the voicemail that he left me.

He basically said while stuttering the entire time... I went to look at shoes like I told you and that I went for a walk and stuck to the shaded parts.

OK... this is a man that NEVER goes out in the hot weather unless he has to. 75 and sunny is too hot for him.

I call him back and I asked if he found any sandles and he said no. I aksed what stores he went to... he said Meijers. I said to him that it took him 3 hours in that store to find out that they didn't have sandles? He said no I went for that walk too. I asked him when he ever wanted to go for a walk in weather over 75 degrees? Then he said he didn't want to talk about it... I said talk about what? I don't want to talk about it. I say well apparently we have some issue to talk about because you don't want to talk about it right now.

Then he told me that he went to his coworkers friends house and he kissed her... his co worker.

So needless to say he cheated on me. 3 months before our wedding... 1000 dollars already vested into it. He was given more than enough chances to say something. Just to fucking let me know that he wanted to wait or slow things down. But NO! He couldn't be a fucking man and tell me that he was going to leave me for someone he met 3 weeks ago. That he was throwing 4 years of my life away with it.

Thousands of things rushed into my mind. So he has been with her ever since he started that job that he stole from me. He was training to be her replacement. What makes it worse though is her name is Cherie mine is Sherry. She is also his best friend Kris' neice.

There is so much more that I want to say but I don't have time. I will write more soon.

big thanks goes out to TJ. THANKS So much for just talkin with me. I am ok. and I am going to be even better when I get my apartment set up.

I don't wanna post. But I have to. So here's my post.
Whiskey is GOOD...
Whiskey is sweet when you get enough ......whiskey is smooth and always cool
Whiskey is soothing, and makes you feel all giddy and giggly and if you're the right person....whiskey makes you feel SEXY.
Whiskey has body....body that's fluid to the touch and tantalizes your senses...
Whiskey goes straight to your head and says if you love me, you'll hold on to me...or I'll flow into oblivion ....no pissing me away.
Whiskey can give you a headache, but you want more whiskey the next day...*snickering*....Whiskey is as clear and crisp as water. YUMMM...
Gimme more whiskey *giggling*

as written by Ms Gina



He he I found that on your old blog with the chinese dragon on the butt and I had forgotten all about it soooo.... I STOLE IT! Hope you don't mind doll. Wanted to add it to my collection of posts.

It's so funny how some people think they know what they want... but then never take the steps to attain that which they want. Happiness is fleeting my friends.

I have a friend that will remain ANON and they think that the state is going to take care of them just because someone told them in the past, or they got it into their head that just because you are fat... you deserve to get SSI or other governmental subsidies. There is no reward for being Lazy.

ANON thinks that their case worker will take care of them, and will sign them up for school, and make sure that they have a job, and hold their hand through life so they won't have to do anything for themselves. Ok a case workers job is to assist YOU in taking those steps in becoming a real person. They also take steps to insure that the government doesn't have to support your ass for the rest of your life.

Ok I am fat. I have been all my life.... but that doesn't stop me from leading a good and productive life. Now at the moment I don't have a job... but that's not from the lack of trying or being lazy. I am not making up illness' to sign up for SSI, or even trying to take advantage of every person I know just to survive. I have news for you ANON... life does not work that way... eventually you won't have friends at all and you won't ever be a real person.

You say that being with or around you mother makes you happy... but all you are doing everyday is sitting there, in front of that computer letting your brain and your body rot. You are wasting your time in this world and there is nothing that anyone can do for you... You have to decide whether life is worth living as it is now, or if you want better.

If you want better, then you have to stop putting off your responsibilities for fleeting things like the happiness that your mother "apparently" brings you. Or the fact that I spent my hard earned money on things for you to take care of an animal and it ended up put outside and left for dead by your hands... NOT anyone else's. I remember how you begged and pleaded for it because it was something that would make you happy. You rarely ever took the time to be with said animal and the fact that you threw it out without having any regard for how it is now to take care of itself... is disgusting! You never cleaned up after it. I was the one who gave it the flea baths, I was the one who bought all the supplies for said animal. It was your responsibility to take care of that little creature. As soon as that animal came into that house, IT WAS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to take care of it, NOT anyone else's. Its called animal cruelty and you could go to jail for it. But, AGAIN, you aren't taking care of your responsibilities.

You couldn't even go to the college to take care of signing up for school. I bet you haven't even called on that job at helping hand yet either? Nor are you looking for a job at all...

This is why... so many people are turned off by you. This is why most people wouldn't give you the time of day. You have 3 totally awesome people in your life that TRULY give a fuck about you and what you want to become. But you lie to us, you take advantage of us, you cause drama for us, and you even talk about us behind or backs... yet we are the ones that are there for you unconditionally. I would like to see how you treat your enemies.

Obviously, my friendship and the friendship of others isn't worth much... considering that you keep taking advantage of me and my generosity. But then again you don't view yourself as being worth much so how can you feel anything for anyone else? It's been that way ever since the hotel incident. I really don't think you want to change...

PROVE ME WRONG!

Another good one on how I feel at the moment


Cascada
Everytime We Touch

I still hear your voice, when you sleep next to me.
I still feel your touch in my dreams.
Forgive me my weakness, but I don't know why.
Without you it's hard to survive.

Cause everytime we touch, I get this feeling.
And everytime we kiss I swear I could fly.
Can't you feel my heart beat fast, I want this to last.
I need you by my side.
Cause everytime we touch, I feel the static.
And everytime we kiss, I reach for the sky.
Can't you hear my heart beat so. I can't let you go.
I want you in my life.

Your arms are my castle, your heart is my sky.
They wipe away tears that I cry.
The good and the bad times, we've been through them all.
You make me rise when I fall.

Cause everytime we touch, I get this feeling.
And everytime we kiss I swear I could fly.
Can't you feel my heart beat fast, I want this to last.
I need you by my side.
Cause everytime we touch, I feel the static.
And everytime we kiss, I reach for the sky.
Can't you hear my heart beat so I can't let you go.
I want you in my life.

Cause everytime we touch, I get this feeling.
And everytime we kiss, I swear I could fly.
Can't you feel my heart beat fast.
I want this to last. I need you by my side.

Performed by Rascal Flatts
While You Loved Me
(Kim Williams/Marty Dodson/Danny Wells)


If I ever write the story of my life
Don't be suprised if you're where it begins
I'd have to dedicate every line on every page
To the memories we made, while you loved me

I was born the day you kissed me
And I died inside the night you left me
But I lived, oh how I lived
(I lived) While you loved me

I'd start with chapter one, love innocent and young
As the morning sun on a new day
Even though I know the end, Well I'd do it all again
'Cause I got a lifetime in, while you loved me

I was born the day you kissed me
And I died inside the night you left me
But I lived, oh how I lived
(I lived) While you loved me

I was born the day you kissed me
And I died inside the night you left me
But I lived, oh how I lived
(I lived) While you loved me

I know most of you are worried and wondering where I have been. I have just been layin low and tryin to take life as it comes. Some things are clearer than what they were in the last post. There has been alot of things that have happened since I last posted about playing ball with GOD. Oh and my Chunky Monkey.

I am still trying to sort things out in my head and get things in order to make a decsion. In the process of waiting and sorting I have found a good job, that pays pretty well considering that its in the same field I just wanted to get out of. I was kind of jaded after leaving my last job because the patients just weren't being taken care of the way there were supposed to be. I don't think more than like 8 people in 20 years ever graduated from our program. I am surprised that their families didn't sue the Community Mental Health because they didn't do the job that our program was supposed to do.

So I am working now for a place that does exactly what they say they are going to. The rehabilitate people with mental illness and they go on to lead healthy and full lives. I checked out their website before my interview and OMG I was soooo inspired.

They have about 40 acres of land and everything is right there. All the houses and they have their own school and media center. It's amazing! They even have a barn full of animals and a green house for the people to have something to do and feel good about. I am impressed to say the very least!

So that is a great place to start trying to get my mind off of things and workin things out...

Although many other things in my life are rearin their ugly heads. Like friends that steal friends. Friends that Fuck best friends and evil shit like that... well I won't get into it right now but there will be a pissed off post about that later.... SCREAMS ::: YAY A RANT :::

Somethings have been happening in my life that I cannot explain right now... Please just pray that I make the right decisions and that I follow where MY heart leads me.

I guess what I need is someone to take control of this issue with my parents and tell me what to do or make the decsion for me. I found that on my friends site and really... thats what I needed to hear and read!

I just got off the phone with my sister. I called her to talk about issues with my guest list and how I had to whittle it down because if my parents don't help then I cannot invite all that they want to be there... She was in the same room as them when I started talking to her about it. I thought she would move and talk to me about it some other place of the house... NOPE!

So I am in the middle of telling her that as I know that half of the family on my side won't show up because they are from all over the US, and saying... but what if they do show up and not RSVP? I was saying that I cannot turn them away after they invested that much into getting there... My dad was then in the background of the conversation yelling that they aren't going to show up. That they will probably send something in the mail, but basically made it sound like I wasn't important enough to come out and see the wedding! He was screaming in the background

I asked 5 things of my parents...

1. Meet Brian's mom and dad.
2. let us know if they wanted anymore people on the list
3. let us know if they would need a hotel room for the night before
(because they are in the wedding)
4. To just pretend to be happy for me
5. To help us financially with the wedding if they could.
(ok this could possibly mean helping with my wedding dress, helping with the cost of invitations, helping with the postage of said invitations...)

I have never had such a hard time finding a job before in my life. The interview with Life Touch went well I think. It was really only a orientation where they gather prospective employees together and weed the good out of the bad. So I filled out the application and that job will start in August if they decide to hire me. SO... What do I do till then? I mean I have no money at the moment. In order to get to this job I need gas right? Well anyway they said that they will let everyone know whether they are hired or not by July 9th or so. I thought that was nice. Considering half the assholes that I have interviewed for haven't called or even said boo...

So I think my best bet is to probably get in at McDonald's or something along those lines. They are always hiring. Or I still think that Target or Kohl's will be better than nothing.

So I am getting scared. Ok so lets get down to the nitty gritty of things... I am pissed to all hell! Not about the wedding... Not about the fact that I haven't found a job yet... I AM PISSED that every time I ask Brian what he is doing today when we wake up... he tells me a big resounding NOTHING! I am busting my ass trying to find a job, going to all these interviews, pounding the pavement, and he just won't try. He says, "I am never going to find one. I have a degree and I am over qualified for everything..."

So he sits here at the computer or in front of the TV all day long... I get that , this is a real shitty time for us. I get that, he is depressed about the situation and is not able to provide for me. I SO GET THAT! But there comes a time when you have to say fuck it and get shit done. All I am asking him to do is try. Go work out at the grocery store or at the hard wear store. Just to fucking apply... Is it a glamorous job that pays well and has benefits??? NO. But at least we won't get fucking evicted from our apartment, at least working those jobs, we won't lose his nice car. We are so close to paying it off.

I have fucking driven a shitty car all my life so that we can afford the things that he wants and wants to do. I have sacrificed friendships and a career for this man. And he won't fucking try. I have given so many things up so that our relationship would work and its like the one thing that I ask for is a little gumption to take care of the necessities. AND the negativity... OMG... "Women in Michigan have all the good jobs!" or "I don't have a job! I'll NEVER find one." You don"t see me sitting here and being like that. I believe that I will find something... anything soon.

But the worst is the fact that he ignores me the entire time I am here, as he sits on the computer or watching TV. I mean I am trying so hard to get a fucking job.. And then he even wants the same job!!!!! So he applies to it and takes any chances of me getting hired. I found the ad. I found the fax numbers. I have made every attempt to find one yet he wants me to do it for him as well! I LOVE HIM! I don't want to be spoon feeding him jobs for the rest of our lives. .

I shouldn"t have to compete with him over a job!

I just want him to try!!! He will feel so much better about himself if he were to find it on his own. He is not useless and he won't listen to me.

So what do I do?

I guess I am just an insensitive bastard!

Here I am... sitting here in my semi-dark computer room. I have some coffee brewing and I am just printing out my wedding invitations... Should I be sleeping? Hell yes! I was just messing with the "new printer" configurations and just got it right the first time and I don't want to mess up a good thing so I decided to just print them all up at once. No pussy footing around. I want it done and over with so that I don't have to worry...

I am going to an orientation tomorrow for LifeTouch Photography. It's all the way down by my mom and dad's in Farmington. I called to see if Shelley was home and got my mom. She wanted to know if I could send an extra list of the guests down and I said that I will be down tomorrow for an interview and she said ok. I am taking all my wedding stuff down there to show her what things are costing me. Hopefully she won't add the evil side of my family...

Here is the invite. Obviously I removed info so that the Psychos out there don't fuck my day up...

INVITE WHOOO HOOO

It's not that good of a scan but you get the jist...
I am very happy the way that they turned out!

I am so unbelievably scared about tomorrow. I have the second... all day interview with the advertising company. I know I can do any job as long as I am shown how to do it correctly. I also have another interview on Wednesday with anyother marketing group but its a lil further. It's in Troy. I used to live in Madison Heights so really its my old stomping grounds. TJ I love coming down to Livonia and what not so I will let you know the next time I am down that way. My parents live off of 8 mile and Middlebelt. MMMMM coffee sounds great about now but its late and I am gonna go to bed soon.

I think that if maybe they didn't kind of treat me like shit when I went in there the first time that this wouldn't be so hard. I have never had so many difficult interviews before. I interviewed on Friday with WalMArt Portrait studio cause I love taking pictures. I think that was the hardest of them all because I was supposed to have had that interview on Wednesday but I was like 5 minutes away and called the store to tell them that I was going to be late cause there was construction at the intersection right before WalMart. I was told by the portrait studio person that the woman that I was there to interview with didn't work there or there was no one by that name. Ok mind you that to get hired into the studio you have to go through this woman... So I asked to talk to the store manager. They said that there weren't any interviews even scheduled for that day.

OK so what would you think? Here I am, about to be done with unemployment I drove 30 miles there in m shitty car just to get told that there was no one by that name. I sat in the parking lot and fucking sobbed. I am just trying to provide for my family. I want to work! Ok so wouldn't you think that this lady would cut me some slack because I had to drive all that way... get told all that shit... and then had to drive all the way home to call the lady who set up the interview and she calls the lady that was supposed to be there and she is there!!!!

Good naturedly I agree to drive all the way to Lansing, which is 50 miles one way for the interview on Friday. I got all dressed up in my nice suit with my kick ass heels... I looked great. I went there and she made me wait a half hour for her. It was a nice WalMart... it had just been built. I walked over to the Subway and waited there for her. I filled out the official application while I waited.It was a decent interview but she kept asking me the same question over and over again like she thought I was stupid... Then she brought up the Not making it to the other store thing. She was like "Well you should have just come in" I was like "I was just told by your employees, that not only did you not exist, but there were no interviews being held in that store" I asked her what she would think after hearing that. Still she was a bitch. Then she drops the bomb that it only pays $8 and hour. I was like there is NO WAY that I am driving 100 miles total everyday for that little amout of money. Matter of fact in the add it said that it paid up to 30g's a year. So I didn't think that 12.00 was that much to ask... PLUS SHE COULDN'T EVEN TELL ME IF THERE WERE REALLY ANY JOBS OPEN IN ANY OF THE STORES IN MICHIGAN!!!! I fucking drove all that way and the bitch gives me shit.

So thats why I am nervous about tomorrow. It's an all day thing... What are they making us do that takes all day long? :::::sigh::::: I am scared

I went to an interview yesterday at a advertising agency in Auburn Hills, Michigan. I walked in and there were like 40 of us that were I guess applying for jobs. All of them were young people like me. Only difference was the way I was dressed and they way they were dressed. Apparently, the lady that set up my interview forgot to tell me that it was professional dress. I wasn't dressed frumpy or anything. I had bought a nice skirt and shirt for my birthday and I wore that with a pair of my nicer sandles and I looked hot...

Ok so needless to say I really felt underdressed. After the interview I went and looked at this awesome place called Catherine's. Its a plus size store that carries career selections all year round. I walked in about 7:30pm, the closr at 8, and found a 3 piece black suit and I thought it was a great deal for $109. I get up to the register and it was only $76.00. HOW FUCKING COOL IS THAT!!! That meant I had money for shoes too. So i ran over to Avenue that was just down the way... and bought a pair of high heels that I can actually wear. I told the lady I wasn't buying them unless I could run around the store in them and still be comfortable. lol so there I was.... running around Avenue in a pair of High Heels. I bought them. Normally shoes there are an arm and a leg. The ones I picked are originally $45. I got up to the register and they were $20. AWESOME!

So to recap ladies and gents... I bought a complete suit and shoes for just over $100. I LOOK SO HOT AND PROFESSIONAL! If I could find my damn digital camera I would post a pic too. Anyway I have a follow up interview at the advertising agency on Tuesday. Today I have an interview at the Photgraphy Studio in Lansing. Wish me luck!


Whiskey

Mija sent me a meme and I think I shall do it post haste. lol



our jobs I have had in my life:
1. Business Owner
2. Desktop Publisher
3. Master Engraver
4. Photographer

Four movies I would watch over and over:
1. What a girl Wants
2. Uptown Girls
3. What Dreams May Come
4. Moulin Rouge


Four places I have lived :
1. Grand Blanc, MI
2. Buffalo, NY
3. Farmington Hills, Michigan
4. Livonia, Michigan


Four TV shows I love to watch:
1. CSI
2. Big Love
3. The L Word
4. Sex and the City


Four places I have been on vacation:
1. Bahamas
2. Florida
3. Toronto, Canada
4. Upstate Michigan


Four web sites I visit often:
1. Photobucket
2. Pogo
3. Mija's Blog
4. Yahoo for its games and to chat with friends


Four friends or family that have been tagged that I think will respond:
1. Shelley
2. Gina
3. Anyone
4. Gina lol


Four of my favorite foods:
1. Chocolate
2. CHEESE! AH the POWER of Cheese
3. Any Kind of Lettuce or Weed, as Brian calls it, salad
4. did i say Chocoalate?


Four places I would rather be right now:
1. Anywhere special with Brian my love
2. on vacation with friends drinkin margaritas in Mexico
3. Animating
4. Taking Photos

This would be the email that I am referring to!

I don't know you, other than to know you are close to the very group I want nothing to do with. Your comment may have been perfectly innocent or it may have been there for sarcastic reasons.

Either way, I have to tell you I am truly not interested. I'm sure you blog will bloom just wonderfully without my input.

Please refrain from coming to or commenting on my blog. Or I will not hesitate to ban you. I want nothing further to do with any of you.


D

What kind of sick joke is this? Here is my response....



hi there,

I don't know who you are nor anything about any "group" that you refer to. If your blog is indeed Public... therefore I would only assume that it is meant to be seen by the Public, and commented on by the Public.? If you do not wish the Public to view your blog, I suggest buying an old fashioned paper journal instead.

Please also know that you threatening to ban me or my assumed affiliates from your site does not make me feel that I would have to listen or be scared of such threats. Furthermore, it makes me sad to know that you are attacking something just because you view it as malicious. There is nothing malicious about the site nor my intentions, nor my comments, for that which you make reference to. Hence, it makes me kind of suspicious as to what kind of person you are to assume so much... Misery is sweet I suppose for some...

I do however, instead of assuming and attacking, offer you a chance to change your mind at any time. Feel free to email happiness instead of malicious accusations...

Have a great and Happy day!


Post Happiness
Whiskey Wilsinski

I plan on making the front where it mock laces up with ribbon, green like my girls dresses

and the same with the lacing in the back.... There is a lady there at the dres shop that does custom beading too.I was thinking about either doing it myself or having herput some green in the embroidery on the train part

Hi there yall,

I just wanted to do a lil advertising for a friend of ours that is an account Rep for The dish network and direct tv. Through the pictured link you can get some good deals. Check it out and let them know that I sent ya....

Ok so i sent that letter to my mom and dad on June 1st. I still haven't heard from them concerning what was said in the letter kind of is time sensitive. I am gonna post the letter...

June 1, 2006

Dear Mom and Dad,

Here is a list of who I have on the guest list so far. I need to know if there is anyone else I forgot that is in our immediate family that you think should be invited. I have to order the invitations soon and I want to make sure that we have everyone that we need on the list. Or if there are 10-12 people that you want to be invited and arent family thats ok too. Brians family and guests are in blue. I am sure there may be a few more that will be added.

I also need to know if you are planning on contributing money wise to the wedding so that we know what to expect for raising funds. Right now we have everything covered except for the reception itself. If you can help us, that would be great. Brians mom and dad have offered to help out a bit too. I also need to know if you guys need a hotel room reserved. The Comfort Inn is right across the street from the reception hall or there are others next to me. Since you, Dad, and I think Grandma is going to be in the ceremony and have to be at the rehearsal and the rehearsal dinner I think for gas purposes and what not it would be better if you guys stayed in town on that Saturday. If any one else in the family will need a room let me know so that I can reserve them soon. You guys could even stay at my apartment the night of the wedding if you want. Brian and I have booked a room for the night. Just so you know its an option. Its all up to you.

My dress and everything has been ordered. I still havent decided if I am going to wear a veil or not, but I will figure that out when my dress comes in. They say that its better if you do it that way, so that it matches with the dress. I am so excited! I will send Shelley some pictures of it in her email. Its not me in the picture but it will give you an idea of what it looks like. I wish Aurora were just a little older. I really wanted her to be my flower girl but, I dont know if she could do it. Brian has a little cousin but she is still a little too young as well.

Brian and I want to schedule a time when you and Dad can meet his parents. Whether it be dinner or something we will have to figure out and plan. I dont know if you guys are willing to maybe come up around this way when you are on your way up north or something? Or we can all come down there. Either way, we just think yall need to meet before the wedding.


ok now is there anything in there that would piss you off if I were your daughter? I mean I am being straight forward and keeping them informed on what is going on... Is that wrong? The biggest thing that pisses me off is that they choose just not to say anything... They could at the actual very least have Shelley call me and say that they aren't going to help or something.

I was talking to Shelley and she was like "just call mom" what the fuck for? So she can tell me to fuck off? She is doing a great job of that without saying anything at all. Besides I am not going to beg them to love me. If they don't want to help or have anything to do with my wedding then they can just NOT come. That simple. I love them but I am sick and tired of being made to feel like the "bad kid" I am the one who has her life together, I am getting married before I have children and I am not living off of them for free, I have NEVER done drugs, and I am not a fucking hooker like they think. But NO, instead of being decent to me and close like we used to be I am the one who is held at arms length, given tough love?, and made to feel like shit. I am not asking them to let me move in and not have to pay rent... I think that after 7 years of living on my OWN and not asking them for shit... they would have a lil gumption to just get over their shit, be the damn family that they pretend so hard to be, and just help me pay for my reception... NOT THE WEDDING just the reception. If I didn't need the money, I wouldn't have asked for the help... So my heart is breaking... I am just not going to beg. Ball is in their hands.

Why can I NOT be happy? Why can't my parents at least pretend to be happy for me?

Ok I really think I am going insane. I am at the end of my uemployment and still I don't have a job. It's not from the lack of trying either. I have put apps in everywhere from Starbuck's to receptionist jobs. Still nothing. Michigan is so sucking right now for jobs. I have never had to wait this long to find something.

Other things... The Bridesmaid dresses have now been ordered and I am experiencing a feeling of relief. There are still a few things about all of it that piss me off but I am just gonna ignore them till the end of the wedding. I found these really cute invitations at WalMart for $20 a pack. They include the invites all the envelopes for those, reply cards and envelopes for those, thank you cards and envelopes for those and those cute foil seal stickers you put on the back. You print them up yourself but since its saving me about $100 dollars doing it myself, I say hell yeah!

I got my girls their gifts... I am thinkin on getting something else when I get a job but just something small. I still haven't heard from my parents about what they are willing and unwilling to do. Matter of fact, I haven't heard anything from them at all about anything. I wrote them a letter last week asking them to make sure that I wasn't missing anyone on the guest list, asked if they were going to contribute finacialy, and also asked if they were going to need a hotel room reserved for the wedding OH and that Brian and I want them to meet Brian's parents soon. All of those things are pretty standard to ask before the wedding. Shit, it's only like 4 months and 8 days till my wedding date. They still haven't met his parents!!!!

So I am kind of freaking out about things. Evertime I make a decision about the wedding or talk to Brian about any of the details he kind of yells at me. He says why are you changing that. I thought we were doing it this way? I am only trying to bounce idea off of him to try to cut costs where we can. It just seems that he doesn't really want to be involved. But then when I make a decision he critizises it and is like well you said this or "that doesn't make any sense" I am really sick of that.

So here I am today... 25 years old, finally coming out of my awkward stage in life and able to cope with long time scars that faith and alot of soul searching has cured. I come out of it and just as I am about to be truly happy, I think, God has done it AGAIN!

We are playing dodge ball and I am on the wall and I am the only one left in my camp. But instead of rubber balls like in gym... they are real dead ringer balls of fire. He's looking real mean and I am giving him my best poker face and fake out move... I am sweating cause I know at any minute he is gonna throw one more curve ball and I am gonna have to either submit or dodge yet another something that will possibly make my heart happy.

Temptation my friends!!! That is the name of the sin in which I am trying to dodge. And then not so hard am I trying.

Now I am not talking about ice cream sandwiches or a whole tub of Mackinac Island Fudge Ice Cream... no cause I have already finished those bitches off.... I am started on the Chunky Monkey from Ben and Jerry's... Its a lil fruity like me. A little nuts like me. We have soo much in common yet I am stuck in the cross road between it and just plain chocolate.

I love chocolate!!!! Don't get me wrong, I really do. It's just that God Has thrown a Chunky Monkey at me and I am soooo confused and really only have a little bit of time to make a final decision. They will both melt under the heat and go bad.


GOD I LOVE YOU!!! But why now? Why after I have made huge steps. I prayed for so long for some icecream like Chunky Monkey for most of my life. Why couldn't you have given me a better chance at this before I loved Chocolate. Uh the world will never know....

Ok it's really cold her today in Michigan. Yesterday it was like 75 and today is 48 so far. I did get a cool surprise today. Barb my friend from back home called me to say happy birthday. Ha! She was the first one to call. Well only one so far.

I am in a rotten depressed mood to say the least. I am 25 today and I thought that I would be further in life by now. I feel really sick about it. I thought that I had found a really good and stable job 3 years ago and here I am unemployed, searching almost too desperately for some kind of job just to get me out of the house so that I won't go crazy. Not to mention to be able to afford the wedding in October. Unemployment just doesn't cut it. Not even close.

I thought I would be married and have children by now... Fuck, it took 4 long ass years for Brian to decide he loved me enough to get married.

I just feel so unaccomplished. And today. turning 25, really seems to draw my attention to it. I will say though its not from the lack of trying.

So Brian and I went to Senior' Lucky's which is a place out by where his mom lives. They have a special where the birthday person gets their meal free. So I decided to get fahitas... omg they were soooo good and I still have enough for lunch and dinner tomorrow. So then we go to ask for the check and out pop three of the waitress with a HUGE sombrero. Plopped the damn thing on me head and sang happy birthday kinda like the mexican hat dance. Best of all... they took a picture... LOL So when I go to Brian's moms I will scan the pic and add it here.

Then we came home and Brian grabbed some best buy certificates and something he wanted to fax for a job. So we went to PetSmart, and got some stuff for the kitties and some plants for our fish tanks. Oh and also to ask how much it would be to shave Tweak our long haired cat... lol Brian then went to Best Buy to get his new video card thing.

On the way home... my phone rang and it was my mother's cell phone number. I thought is was just my sister cause she uses it to call me sometimes. Nope it was my Aunt Jean and my mom calling from their golf league thing to wish me a happy birthday, and to say thanks for the gift I had gotten my mom for mothers day. It was very short but it was her calling.

OK... my mother has never called me for my birthday... ever. Maybe she is coming around. I donno but I will be being cautious about it. Who knows.

20 years ago I....
1. I was 5 Years old
2. was starting to be a surrogate mother to my sister
3. was ignorant to the verbal abuse that my parents reigned on me
4. thought my parents walked on water

10 years ago I....
1. was 15 Years old
2. started to bud into an independant woman my mother hated
3. was lonely
4. worked full time and went to school

5 years ago I....
1. was falling in love with an asshole
2. tried finding out who i really was
3. began having the desire to run..anywhere..ditch it all and go
4. contemplated suicide
5. lost a wonderful friend

4 years ago I....
1. met my true love, soul mate
2. was adopted and made welcome into an actual "family"
3. started becoming the person I knew I always was
4. learned my dad allowed a redhead to tear our family apart
5. Finally understood why I was a surrogate mother to my sister 20 years ago
6. My life made a little more sense. It wasn't my fault anymore

1 year ago I....
1. worked and thought I had job security
2. found out quickly that my job wasn't secure
3. thought I was going to lose my soulmate

So far this past year, I....
1. have discovered parts of me long hidden.
2. became engaged and set a wedding date with soulmate
3. learned to set and keep boundries
4. found a church that soulmate and I agree on
5. moved to a better area closer to our "family"
6. Forgave my parents... whether they asked for it or not

Yesterday I....
1. worried about how to afford a DJ
2. perfect DJ found me and is affordable
3. missed my bestest friend

Today I....
1. held my soulmate close to me
2. got spanked ***HARD*** I was a brat! it was deserved lol
3. prayed for many of my family and friends
4. prayed to find a good job again

Tomorrow I will....
1. adore my kitties and soon to be husband more
2. enjoy the day I have been given
3. hug someone I care about

In the next year I will....
1. find an awesome job
2. become a mother... in some way
3. grow to not let anyone take advantage of me
4. ALLOW MYSELF TO BE HAPPY
5 Be a wonderful wife

I am tryin to lose some weight before the wedding. I mean Brian loves me as I am but I just want to actually start feeling better. I am depressed about my job situation. So Being stuck in the apartment with nothing to do... is even more depressing so besides tryin to find a job what else is there to do but sleep or veg. Gas Prices are so unreal right now so takin the bike to the park is out of the question. I tried to get Brian to just go to the dollar store with me the other day but since he is depressed too because we both lost our jobs at the same time... he is trying to stay busy by playing his games to kingdom come. Which leaves me alone and more depressed. We are supposed to have a gym in our apartment complex so I am gonna check that out this week too. I just need to get moving. I only have 6 months left to feel like I want to on my day...

About the job thing... I interviewed for a job today and I think I did well... Hopefully I will get called back. So keep your fingers crossed.

Bad news is that when I went to go to it I go into my car and it wouldn't start. So here we go again with tryin to fix it. Its got to be the battery again. Which I just replaced. I will get it runnin though.

Once upon a time there was a old man who used to go to the ocean for peace and quiet, and for inspiration to do his writing. In the morning, he usually walked on the beach before he began his work. One day as he was walking along the shore, he saw a human figure moving like a dancer, bending, then wading into the waves, arms extended.

It pleased him that someone would dance to the beauty of the day and the rhythm of the waves. As he got closer, he saw that it was a young girl. The girl wasn't dancing, but instead she was reaching down to the sand, picking up something, and throwing it gently into the ocean.

He called out, "Good morning! What are you doing?"

The girl paused and replied, "Throwing starfish in the ocean."

"I guess I should have asked, why are you throwing starfish in the ocean?"

"The sun is up and the tide is going out. If I don't throw them in, they'll be stranded on the beach and die."

"But don't you realize that there are thousands of miles of beach and starfish all along the way.
You can't possibly make a difference!"

The girl listened and considered. Then she bent down, picked up another starfish and threw it into the sea. She watched a wave lift it high, and then it sank into the life-giving water.

"It made a difference for that one."

This is my mission statement. If I can possibly make a difference in someone else's life... whether it be volunteering at a soup kitchen on Christmas, helping a friend out in a time of need, or just being there as a shoulder to cry on... I am your woman. I may not be Oprah and have millions of dollars to donate to your cause, but rest assured, I will be there when you fall to help you pick up the pieces in your life. That is not only the commitment that I make to all of my friends... but also to my family and those that... like me have been down trodden and need someone or someplace to call Safe... Home... Sanctuary...

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Oh, oh, oh

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
To the years where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Natasha Bedingfield

"After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul. And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't always mean security. And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises. And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child. And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have a way of falling down in midflight. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure that you really are strong and you really do have worth. And you learn and you learn... with every good-bye you learn...... "

With that I am pondering everything that has brought me to this moment in my life. It's amazing at what we seek,and keep seeking. Then when we are at our most desperate and finally willing to offer it up, to let it all go... bend our reasoning... we then find amidst all the shit, the dirty secrets, the horrible experiences that we have had to endure to get to this point in life... the clarity that was always ever so near, just far too unattainable for someone "like me" I FOUND IT!

I have found not only myself... but the path that I have been so closely trying to follow has been the correct one. That knowledge alone is simply breath taking. I have learned that no matter who is trying to hurt me, pull me down to their filth, I am Better and stronger than they will ever know.

You don't Phase me. You are nothing to me... the only reason I put up with you is because of my soon to be husband. You exist in my world only because I will not make him choose over me and his friends.
You live. You learn. You move on.

If you cannot do that then... Good bye.