Today is the prep for my surgery. I don't think that I have went to the bathroom so much in my life. My last surgery did not afford me time to prep for it because it was emergency. But I almost think I would have rather done this that way... It just was in a different part of the body. I think that is why this is so crucial to prepare for. I guess it's not every day that one has their abdomen sliced open and their twin removed from their body.

I am an emotional wreck right now. I don't have enough time to myself to actually grasp all of what is happening. It wasn't even 6 months ago when I went in for that physical for the job down by my mom's and they took that blood pressure that started all of this in motion.

High Blood pressure... medications for that
Diabetes... medications for that
Pap...
Ultrasound...
CT Scan...

Twin-- parasitic and then also the diagnosis of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome
Now the surgery...

Hopefully within the forseeable future a skinnier, healthier and more physically and socially acceptable Whiskey. Then I think though of how much I have had to fight for... all of this unecessary... if only my mom cared to find a solution to the problems instead of sweeping it under the rug.

I Love my parents... I really do... but this is such bull shit. I should not have to be cgoing through this 28 years later. cccThe surgery scares me. More than I think I let on.

So last night I go on my face book page and look at my my's space to see how many people have wished her a happy birthday... I was the first one a few days back. So I am looking and there it says under children... only Shelley's name... ok I am sorry but this shit has been going on too long. If it's not one thing it's another. Then today I call my parents house to make sure that they got all the info and what not and my mom informs me that My Aunt Jean, whom it is her birthday as well tomorrow, is bringing a fucking cake. I don't know what I feel about it.

I don't know if I should feel offended... I mean I have been suffering all my life with this shit going on and then they want to bring a cake to celebrate their birthday while I am in surgery getting something taken care of that should have been done years ago. I don't know I should feel... I kind of feel like I don't matter. Like all this is a joke. I am sick and they are celebrating. I am getting sliced into, my abdomen splayed open and they want to fucking take my time for getting better and make it their time. I didn't pick the day to have surgery. It just fell on their birthday... I wanted this over as quick as possible.

I SHOULD BE ABLE TO FEEL SELFISH!!! THIS IS MY TIME...


I donno... I am a wreck...


Whiskey Leigh Embers

Most of my life has been spent in the darkness not knowing where a bright spot would be.

I "thought" when I met Brian and left my parents that it would be different. Things would possibly get better. They never did. They have steadily gotten worse from him cheating on me 3 months before the wedding, his mother basically telling me before finding out that he was cheating on the way to her own daughters dress fitting for our wedding (almost like she knew) "You might want to keep that ring... you never know when you might need to pawn it.", to even discovering that my wedding dress was never ordered due to his mother and his aunt who worked at the store.

How can you do that shit to people??? Is there some unwritten code that allows people to feel that they can do and say that shit? I wonder if he even knew any of that was going down at the time?

At any rate THANK GOD I NEVER MARRIED THAT BASTARD AND HIS FAMILY!!!!!

Hopefully I am on the road to better things now... I went to my pre-op appointment and things look good and are a go. Surgery will be done on the 28th at 130pm. I have 3-4 days in the hospital and then it looks like a month or so of recovery. That doesn't even include the hormone therapy and what not my Dr. Wilson has planned for me.

I hope that the things that are happening now will reverse themselves and that I will start being the way I was always meant to be.  Hopefully life is like that after all this is said and done. From what I look like, to the better health, and even feeling that I belong somewhere and that really this is not all my fault.

The story of the Ugly Ducking... comes to mind.

That is what my doctor has said since I met him... "This is something that you were born with and should never had to deal with all of this alone. It's not your fault." I take great comfort in that. Because truly I have tried everything to feel better and diet and exercise but nothing... I mean NOTHING worked!

Some of the depression has lifted. Just knowing that things are starting to go the way is planned is comforting. However, I still feel as if my parents aren't getting how serious this really is...

It's ok though. It's their loss... But I am finally on my way of letting things that have haunted me from my past... go... Letting go. Yup I think that is really what it comes down to. Just the strength and the determination to continue living... instead of giving up and losing hope like I have done for soooo many years now.

I am going to try to post a little before the surgery... till then


Whiskey Leigh Embers

I have never really been happy and as I am embarking on the most important surgery and part of my life, I feel like my mother is making a joke of me and my plight. From the conversation at the table when I finally told them about what was going on she kind of was uninterested and really didn't seem surprised that this was happening to me. Which scares me and reinforces my feelings about her not really wanting to make things better for me at all. Like she knew all these years that there was something wrong but never followed through with anything. My dad however, seemed genuinely concerned. Which was odd and felt good. It made me feel that out of all these years that he bitched and complained about what I did, looked like, and everything else that he really gave a shit...


I don't know if my mother and I will ever have the relationship that we had before and its silly for me to even hope that it could happen.

I am now at my mom and dads... They are down in Tennessee taking care of my mother's father. I am here to take some time to rest before the surgery and to watch my neice while my sister is working.

I am so happy that she has found a job. It so helps with taking care of her daughter. For so many years it has been easy for her to stay at my mom and dad's without paying anything. She has lost her autonomy and really needs to be on her own but still the baby daddy isn't helping much. I know its not easy being the other woman in a relationship... believe me... I am still one. But Don has been separated from his wife for 11 years. He is now on the virge of divorce but... its still not easy.

I Love Don but I am not sure what will become of us after all is said and done within the next year. I would love to say that everything will be wonderful and be the same... but how can I even say that it will be the same.... After all that will happen with the surgery and knowing what my demon has been throughout my life how can I allow myself to just accept what was when the future and the possibilities that could happen are so much brighter than I have ever dreamed or even have hoped for.

I will tell you this much... I will not be in the same house with Vanessa and that will be resolved before next year passes!!!

Whiskey Leigh Embers

Today I finally got with my bestie Rochelle. It is hard to get some time to spend with her since she is busy with her life and what not. It is understood that she has stuff going on and I am fortunate to have had most of today with her and her mom.


I have needed to get some much needed bestie time with her. I have all this going on and needed to talk to her about it so that someone didn't call her and say, "Umm... did you know Whiskey was in surgery and is out now."

I love spending time with them. I don't think I have ever had a time when it wasn't a blast. Even though today was more about talking and getting things off my chest than anything. I had already talked to MA about what was going on and am very grateful that she has been there for me. She held my hand the last time I was here in Farmington Hills and was a rock for me when I started to fall apart.

If you have read my back posts you will know that my life has not been anything that would be called a fairy tale nor has it been easy. However, with these two women in my life it has made a lot of it easier to handle and I love to call them true friends.

Ro, Ma and I went for coffee and sat there for a while and talked. I didn't jump right in and tell her but it got easier as it went. I know I think I scared her after having MA get a hold of her and tell her I needed to talk.

We are all so happy that so far there are not any complications or more issues with diagnosis.

We both cried and I needed it as well as she did. We haven't had so much time in a while to actually catch up.

I needed this a lot. It is good for the soul to know that you really have people who care and that are honestly concerned about your welfare...

So things went well. We also went to get dinner at the Olive Garden. It was fabulous and again I was just thankful for their company.

She took it well and she said that she would like to be there after the surgery. I would like all of my friends to come and visit after the surgery.


Whiskey Leigh Embers

It's been a few days since I last wrote. I have been trying to come to terms with all the things that are going on in my life.  I just needed some breathing room from everything and everyone. I should have went up north and stayed there but that was too far and I had to get all the testing done. These past few weeks have not been pleasant. I have been through so much testing and crap that I am so tired and emotionally drained.

However, I Have A Diagnosis!!!

The ah ha! moment is finally at hand.

The Ultrasound
The CT Scan
and all the blood tests confirm that firstly, I have

Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome

secondly and a tad bit more disturbing is the mass that is in my abdomen...

I have been carrying around what was supposed to be my twin. It has hair and teeth even. It is the size of 2 large grapefruit. It has wedged itself lovingly in my abdomen and hanging nastily from my right ovary.

This explains everything in my life. The weight gain... and never being able to lose any signifigant fat... the raging fits and hormones and even why I have not been able to get pregnant.

My mom never told me about the issues that she had and also never said that she had weight issues too.

The signs were there in the beginning when I was younger. But instead of asking those questions they were swept under the rug and it was just easier to believe that I was lazy... that I was sneaking food and not doing what they asked me to do. I have suffered through some very horrific things with my parents. This one however, I don't know if I can forgive them of not caring enough to be the parent, to ask the questions, and to give the information that would have nipped all of this in the bud years ago.

I am 28 now... My life could have been so much different. The possibilities were endless if I could have just had the chance at them. It is almost that I was given the death sentence and was doomed to be under this sickness for all time.

It took me 28 years to not only find someone who loved me enough to ask the questions but also a doctor who knew enough to actually try to do their job. That is sad!!!

I have seen several doctors and all of them have swept my issues under the rug.

I had better insurance then so why didn't they take care of me?

I have had several days to let this soak in and ruminate in my being of all the possibilities lost and have come to the only conclusion that would allow me to be angry, but also at the same time understand that is all going to end better and hopefully give me more than I ever hoped for...

I am an ugly... unwanted duckling. Soon, However, I will blossom into the swan that I was always meant to be.

I love myself. I love the fact that I am fearless and that I can be whom ever I want at any given moment. I love the fact that I am so resilient and have learned much in this massive shell than half of the gorgeous people I grew up with... For that I am so blessed and makes me a better person. Makes me smarter within and more beautiful on the out.

Now I just have to tell those nearest and dearest to me what's going on.

I am scared... but relieved all at the same time.

Thank you God for your guidance and love...


Whiskey Leigh Embers

I went to my CT Scan on Wednesday 9.30.09 and it wasn't as awful as I was told or had imagined it. I had to drink this stuff that was for the contrast. I was told it was to taste like shit. lol. Straight up. I cracked it just before bedtime on the 9.29.09 and it smelled more like oranges or tangerines. SO I imagined that I was drinking a orange creamsicle. Then I had to drink more of it when I was at the Imaging place. The lady doing the CT Scan was really nice and I was surprised that it was an actual pleasant experience even though I was scared out of my mind.

I expected to get my results in a few days so I relaxed most of yesterday. I had to evacuate the stuff and the dye out of my body before I would feel better. The worst part was what I felt like after I was out of there. I felt like hell. I slept most of the day away and drank sooo much water I almost didn't make it to the bathroom in time.

This morning I get a phone call at 830am and it was my doctor instructing the receptionist to have me come in as soon as I can to discuss the results of the test.

I am freaking out at this point. I did not even have the CT Scan and the contents of my body completely drained before they called me having the results. I was so scared. I agreed to come in and made it there before 930am. I sat in the conference room waiting for the Dr. to finish with another patient. She came in with my chart and looked kind of stern. I was expecting the absolute worst thing that could have been possible.

She says, "You have a cyst and its 12cm and it needs to be removed." So she went on to say that it is a large dermoid cyst and that it is non Cancerous and that otherwise I am completly healthy. So she scheduled me with another doctor whose name incidentally is Dr. Wilson and we are going to meet with him to discuss surgery and other plan of action.

Thank God!

Gram I miss you so much!!!

So this is good news and hopefully it continues to be good news...


Whiskey Leigh Ember