So I have been thinking alot about us lately. I went through stuff in the garage because Dad finally demanded me to. I went through the bags that you had packed for me before I had even gotten there to pick them up. I was surprised to find several things that were still in my possession that I had no idea for the last 5 months that I still had.

Since I have been losing weight like crazy, since the surgery, I have been in need of some bras. Well I had went to ths store and tried every bra on imaginable because none would fit right. I lost 2 cup sizes with the 60lbs that I have lost. I CRIED! I literally balled in the damned dressing room due to the fact that, what I think are my greatest assets, my boobs were disappearing.

So after not being able to find something that would fit around and also my little B cup size now. I left and vowed that I was going to get breast implants when all is said and done. I may still get them but at the moment I don't need to cry anymore.

I went through the bags of things you packed and found both of my brand new black bras.

Matter of fact I will be wearing one tonight when I see you. However, I am not sure if I will give you any satisfaction of knowing they are the ones that you bought for me or that you can even touch them lol.

Either way we will see.

My dad and I had a conversation this morning that really hit home. I guess hearing what happened between us through his eyes is enlightening and also scary from his point of view. He still can't understand why I keep hanging on to you. How I even still want to be friends with you. He pointed out the crazy fact that not only did you lose so much but you also made me lose everything that I had invested into the house and you... He said, "Whiskey... that had to have been thousands of dollars!" I guess I really never thought that much about it until then.

What is a scary fact that I have come to know is the absolute truth more times than not... my dad is ALWAYS right. When he puts everything in a row like he did this morning... I see everything that you took from me. I see everything that you still owe me. I still see everything that you still to this day keep from me. All the things that you omit to say to me... all the little lies that you have to continue to tell to even see me.

Why was she worth all of that? Why was it so easy for you to destroy my heart and dance on my soul by letting her rule your every waking moment except the time when you are with me.

She still is making you be her bitch... doing her bidding all day. That's why I am sitting in Starbucks right now, waiting for a better time for me to travel closer to you. So that I can spend a mere few hours with you and then sleep in order to work in the morning. I love you... But I don't know why I do this to myself...

Why? Why do I fucking do this? Why do I come runnng to you? Why is it that I would walk to the edge of the earth to help you, to love you, to make sure you were ok? When you don't feel for me what I feel for you. You don't come to me... even though you promise to.

I even pay you to do the little jobs that I can come up with just so that I can see you. Are you my whore? Do you like having 3 women that swoon over you. I am not quite like that. I love you... but I will not beg for you to be with me.

I have lost so much this year... you... my babies, the house that I helped pay for and renovate. For what? Her to treat you like a dog in your own house? To basically make you feel like shit and her bitch?

You asked me to not give up on you that night when she was in jail... and I sat with you on the docks at Zukey Lake Tavern. You cried on my shoulder as I asked you why I should believe that you could want me again... when you said in my face.... "I don't love you anymore." then again... you never looked into my eyes once that night. You never looked at me once through out the whole mess that night. Maybe so that you didn't see the pain... the tears,,, or my heart crashing into pieces all around you.

Either way... I sit here today... so far from where we were then... I am your mistress now... instead of your beloved. The one you have died for. Still I don't know what I ever did to deserve what you did to me... but it feel damn good to be doing it to her now too. Sure... it could blow up in my face... but that is the risk that I decide to take. I would rather hurt at this point.. then feel nothing at all.

You are my soul and for some reason... you keep calling me. You keep coming back for more of me. Why? If its not because you love me... It sure can't be the sex because that would have made you stay in the first place....

So I have been thinking....


Whiskey Leigh Embers

Today I prayed to God... for my selfish wishes to come true. Even if it did come true, what would I have done with it... I am unsure if I would want you back completely. So many things would have to have changed or in the process of changing.

All I know... Is that YOU asked ME not to GIVE UP on YOU. You are the one who asked me to give you some time before I moved on. The more you are with her though... the more you seem to forget me. The more she does wrong and against you... the more you seem to fall into her.

All I can do is do what you ask of me. But I don't want to be a mistress forever... since everything you have given her... once belonged to me

Or I can wake up and see what you really are doing to me. You said once that they told you to do whatever you needed to do to get me to pay for the things that you needed... Is that what you are really doing...? Just uaing me again as a stepping stone? Giving me what I want and telling me that you love me just to appease me till you are done using me?

I can't make you love me if you don't.

So my prayer for my miracle didn't happen... some how I knew it wouldn't. But I prayed selfishly anyway hoping my wish would have come true.

So I will wait for another month... then i donno...


Whiskey Leigh Embers

Your big blue eyes, your smile, your dirty face and hands, your angel face when you sleep! Its amazing how stupid I am. You are still the sweetest waste of my time. If there were nothing more there physically, emotionally, or spiritually between us... I would have been long gone. 

You are right. We click on some level that is more than you have had... but yet... you still left me for her. And yet, you are still with her. I love you and I am sure that I will never have you in my life as a staple again... I will be the other woman. I will thrust myself into that category because at this point... anything is better than nothing. I would rather hurt... than feel nothing at all. 

One Day I know you will wake up and know that something and someone is missing. I just hope that its not too late for you. 

One day you will wake up and realize how amazing I really was, and when
that day comes, I will be waking up next to the man who already
knew...

This last weekend was magical. I know we argued but for the most part it was awesome. I love you and I know you mean it when you say it to me. I believe when you tell me that she won't last. I know that I don't understand what you are trying to do... but I am still careful with me. 

I know that I don't need you to survive this life. I am no longer afraid to face not ever having you in my life... but I am hoping that I won't have to. 

I pray that you are not just playing me. I pray that you will wake up from whatever spell she has over you and return to me. Maybe I am crazy...

It's amazing all that has transpired in the last few months... without you Donald I have gained and lost. Mostly gained.

I just don't understand how I can still totally love you. Even though you broke my heart into tiny shards all over our bedroom floor. I do not know if it is that I am incapable of hating anyone. Or if it is just that you have some hold on me. You hold me without touch... and keep me without chains... Maybe I am sick... Maybe I like the pain too much to let it go.

However, I am not afraid anymore. I am not afraid of living with the idea of never seeing you again. I am not afraid that you will forever make me the enemy.

Just set me free of whatever bonds you have on me....