You Used to Speak of Reality...

How money was never plentiful

How you wanted and kept getting


You Spoke of Reality...

How I wanted too much and never received

How you encouraged to drop out of college because we couldn't afford it

But you always got what you wanted: Computer, xbox, games,

Trip ALONE with family to Florida


You Spoke of Reality...

Telling your family how I did nothing but mistreated you

How it was unfair and "uncouple like" to spend time with my friends

Even though I loved you and tried showing you in ever breath I took


You Would Speak of Reality...

How you wanted to do things together

All the while listening to your family

Wanting you to segregate yourself from me

How you said you defended me

Maybe you shouldn't have talked so much shit about me to them

For they only knew what you spoke to them


When You Spoke of Reality...

And my apparent inability to comprehend it

I laughed at you!

Especially when you tried making me believe I was crazy


When in Reality...

The only one deluded and delusional


Was you...


When in Reality...

Who was living the double life?

Letting your family dictate who you could be.

Sleeping with a whore that was supposed to be training you for a job

Where is your whore now?

How much money did she take you for?

Was the pussy worth it?


Reality is...

I mourn for the four years of my life I gave you, wasted on you.

How ashamed I have had to feel around my family

Whom I had just sent a letter to asking them to accept you...

You Talked of Reality...


But nothing about you or your family has ever been real

Life has it's own little way of twisting and turning you and spilling you through a roller coaster that you cannot predict. Lately I have been stressed to the limit. Ready to sign up for more insurance and take advantage of some further services that I have long said I will not use because I did not want to give in to the possibility that I could be quite insane lol... But alas... I think that just for a while I may need to physically need something to stimulate and promote more self control and self awareness... It may be some Lithium or maybe some Ativan... or maybe some good old fashioned POT. lol who knows... I cannot see my self as a big ole pothead but I guess it could happen.

I got an email from my ex Big B the other day. he refuses to see me because he is miserable and he didn't get or succeed in what he hoped in getting when he left me... I never have wished this on him... but the only reason why he is miserable is because he likes being that way. There is no one... and nothing that will get him out of it unless he wants to.

I met someone a while ago last year, pretty soon after Big B and I split up. We will call him DR just for shits and giggles. I have grown more than quite fond of this said DR. In November I decided to be honest with him and let him know that I wanted to make sure that I wasn't making the wrong decision in only dating him. Because thats what he wanted. I wasn't quite sure I was ready for that. I had another friend that had been my stable rock for a long time that I wanted to make sure was just that... a friend. We shall call him JP.

DR was distraght and took it more to heart than he should of. But I wanted to be honest with him because thats what he said he wanted was complete honesty. I mean thats what I wanted too. So I took two weeks or so and dated my friend JP. Well it turns out that both were a waste of time.... Both in the end fucked me over and stole from me.

I just want to let whoever it was know... you're not alone in trying your hardest and still not feeling good enough. Your secret now hangs in a frame in my room. Thank you for sharing not only your secret but also my secret. It feels good to know that I'm not alone.


You know its just like this too... Lately at work its been me trying my hardest not to step on toes, doing my job plus others and not bitching about it... I took a new position because what the job was.. was something that I knew that not only would I enjoy... but its something that I knew I could do because of my background so far in the mental health field that I have already done...

So I finally get the position and its nothing of what it was supposed to be. The schedule changed, my days off changed, what I am doing with the clients changed... and I feel as if I am not the scape goat for everything that goes wrong there. Not to mention all the disrespect and bs that I get from the residents...

THIS WAS NOT THE JOB I APPLIED FOR!!!

So now I have a meeting scheduled for Thursday when I return to work from my 2 days off... and I am sure I will be written up or worse for just doing my job... Doing the best that I can do...

I guess best is just not GOOD ENOUGH!

There has been so much that has been happening since the last time I posted. Life always has its ups and downs. Granted, some for more than others. This is the category where my life falls into. The Rollar Coaster, that I hate, of my life thus far has been mostly down hill. It seems that my life... when it has an upswing is very short and seems to never satisfy for very long.

I have been in counseling and therapy for a good 5 months now and my therapist is now suggesting that Brian and I just get together for lunch or whatever and hash things out. Brian has been most of the topic lately because April 18th of last year, was the last time that I had asked him for the last time, because of the rings and other things, if he was sure that he wasn't doing the wrong thing in marrying me. Of course his reply was yes...

BUT therapist says to get together with the very person that I can't even bring myself to schedule anything with. I have said to him on several occasions that yea lets just go and have lunch and he was like ok I have time from this time till that cause he works 2nd shift.

So I send him an email the other day just saying how things are with the cats and what not and to ask him if it was still ok to schedule lunch or something with him... All of a sudden he changes his tune...

He thinks it would be too sad to get together and have lunch. That he is a mess and all he would do is cry... Now this gets me thinking of what I could possibly say back to him because I am happy as hell to have not married him... Especially from all the shit that I now know about his family and how they react to real life situations... Sure there are times were I look back and see the wonderful things that we did together and wish to God that I had someone again in my life that was there for me at that capacity, but the truth of the matter is we were never allowed to be alone truly and not have his parents involved with everything because of money issues. We worked our asses off and still had nothing to show for it. How humbling is it to go to your partners parents and have to ask to borrow money to pay an electric bill or such because the company you worked for shorted your check by like $50. We had to do this all the time.

Now he has this great job, no car payment(because he paid that fucker off right before he left me),not many bills to speak ok. Main point is that he has money now enough to take care of him and whatever... So why is he not happy? Why is he a mess? When this was supposed to be what HE wanted... Unless is wasn't...

There is nothing in this world that will ever make me feel the need to take that man back. From all the things he said, and did to me at the end and the stress and the anguish that he family caused me... there is just no fucking way.

Anyway, I sent him a email back saying well its for me.. its so that I can finally get some closure because he is still effecting everything that I do. I mean Everything! I can't trust anyone... I cannot even sleep comfortably with another person... Just so many things that go through my head...

So now he won't get together with me. Nor will he answer emails.

Ok so I have decided to stay here on this blog. I have found not only through therapy but also through my friends that they hate to see this blog go and that I am and always will be apart of my past. Accepting that makes me a better person. Stonger and wiser...

So here I stay. Just a tweek here and there to make it comfortable once again to write in. Like when you buy a new comfy chair and you go to bring it home and sit in it for a while for your butt to make a mark... lol

So here I am. Here to stay. I am happy about this cause I love this design that Mija made...


Lately I have been having issues with sleeping... I just started my new schedule and am working 1st shift which consists of hours from 8am - 4pm... so thats not that bad. Well when I was 2nd shift I had lots of chances to be able to sleep in and get as much sleep as I needed. Well... thats the problem, I forgot that... "I like the night life baby!"

Ok so I am sitting here for the 2nd night in a row and trying to teach my body to sleep at a normal schedule that doesn't require me to sleep in till 1230pm if I have to. Oh... and its now 1230am again and I am still awake...

I have tried everything short of getting a hooker and doing the bad bad till I am blue in the face... really I doubt that would help. Although I guess if I had a regular person to sleep with or you know what I am saying...

I am sitting here with a small bottle of Southern Comfort and hoping that thet suggestion from a good friend will do the trick... I do love the comfort and the warmth of a few shots. I am also in my black jammies and my black striped work out yoga pants so I am comfy. Listening to some good music just waiting to get even the least bit sleepy.

My same friend that suggested my favorite shot... we just started talking again. It's such a relief to get back to where things were. A lot of things went down but I am glad that I have him still as a very close friend... Hopefully he will stay this way for a very long time to come... So far about the SoCo he was right. I am starting to get sleepy so I think I will call him and tell him that I am passing out now because of him... lol I am sure he will laugh at me when I tell him I have had less than 2 shots... :)~

Night Yall~


~Whiskey~

Well so far today has been good. I am working of course but its ok. My family isn't having their get together til 6pm so that gives me time to get ready and go down state. Life is good... a little confusing lately but I know that I can get through it.

I really am a firm believer that God does not put us through things that we cannot handle. And what a beautiful discovery when we find that through it all, we are resilient and look forward to the next day with brighter eyes and understanding. We become stronger and stand ready for when other things happen. Maybe he prepares us for the worst so that we can continue to live.

God has been good to me this year... I have a newer car that runs and is in good shape. I am employed. For Michigan this is a big thing. I have a roof over mine and my kitties heads. So I am doing ok. Can always be better but I am grateful for what I do have. I am not a religious zealot but I do know that things happen for a reason.

I have dated a few people... I think I have decided to kind of cool off on that for a while. I am 25 and am ready for it to happen... but I am also ready to live my life finally without a man to tell me what to do and when to do it. I met someone almost right after Brian and I went our separate ways.

We have been dating on and off again for a about 6 or 7 months and its going well. Well at least I think so. My problem that I have discovered is that I cannot trust what people say. I second guess everything and its not fair to me or him but I can't help it. I have wasted 4 years of my life with someone that battered and bruised me, emotionally and physically, so bad that I can no longer let people in. I long for that sweet innocence that I once had where I believed that someone would love me completely... and be content with me and only me. The innocence of not knowing how the negative outcome will effect my life.

I stumble upon things like websites that still have active listings for this person that I am dating. And ya, I have a few too. I guess the difference though is that I am not actively looking for someone else. I am content with the way things are going in what I have with this guy. Now don't get me wrong... he does say that he isn't looking for anyone else either and that he only goes to that site when he has a message but how can I trust that? Is the answer to delete my accounts and ask him to do the same thing? I mean I feel that kind of infringes on tryin to take some of his freedom away and I don't want to do that but how can I be sure that I am not wasting my time and that when he doesn't call he isn't with another person. I hate waiting, and I hate wasting my time.

We have gotten really close in the last few weeks and I guess I am scared... Just really fucking scared that again I will put everything into something and someone who will in the end hurt me and feel justified in doing it for some shallow reason.

I am over sensitive to these situations. Maybe I am just freaking out. Who knows but you have to wonder...All I know is that I really care for this person and want things to work out but I can't constantly be second guessing but I don't know how to just let go cause I know I will be hurt again...

I guess I will continue to pray for the guidance and the patience to know and really feel that things with us are as good as I think they are.


~Whiskey~

This is the first post for this new adventure. I should have started writing again immediately after I said I would move from the old blog to this one. But life gets in the way even for our best made plans. I am the perfect example of this.

I have been gone for a while due to trying to deal with my own personal Hell. On my own, and in the only way I know how, throwing myself into my work and forsaking everything about myself in order to get my mind off of the obvious of what was wrong. I deal with these obvious things in the quiet of my mind when I know for a fact I am alone.

Good news is that I am finally ready and willing to let my self completly heal. I am finally ready to seriously date again and continue to try find the one that will not only make me happy, but also be healthy enough, mentally and physically, in his own right to allow himself to be happy as well.

I need a partner for my life, not a dictator. Nor someone who will make me feel less of a person tom make themselves achieve some kind of higher being at someone else's expense. I just won't be that person anymore.

What I have discovered and learned so far...

I am far better without Brian than I ever was with him.

I would rather have my family broken as it may be... than to have a bunch of lieing, backbiting, evil people telling me for 4 years how they loved me and cared for me. Where are they now?

I will never get the time I wasted on him back nor the love and the parts of myself that were given to him. I just wish I had that for the one that will/or does truly love me.

Shedding the darkness that has been bestowed upon me is not an easy task... still working on this.

I will probably NEVER trust anyone fully again.

That I AM... the most remarkable, loving, generous, hard working, resilient, and kind person that I know.

That I AM... More beautiful than what can outwardly be seen. There is more to me, more beautiful facets and colors, like a diamond than most can see.

That I AM... Strong Enough to take whatever comes at me and still be standing with dignity and grace while others fall and wither away.

The proof is right here. I am still alive and still sane.


I am loving the me that I am discovering.


~Whiskey~

I have been through so much this year... I feel it is time to start a new blog in hopes that it will take me in a new direction emotionally. Sensual is so dark lately. It's full of my torment and not my accomplishments during this last year. Most of my posts were, deep down, always about Brian and I have moved on from that.

Life will be better now that I have hit rock bottom. There is nowhere else to go but up. So this is a place for me to discover the person that I have always been, but just she's been hiding for all these years. Whether she suppressed herself to please a man or because she had to please everyone else to make her happy... it just doesn't matter anymore. It's now about how I feel, How I want to be happy. I will get what I want.

I will post the link here when I have everything set up.

So cheers! Lets discover the real Whiskey. Not just the sad and lonely one.