I am tryin to lose some weight before the wedding. I mean Brian loves me as I am but I just want to actually start feeling better. I am depressed about my job situation. So Being stuck in the apartment with nothing to do... is even more depressing so besides tryin to find a job what else is there to do but sleep or veg. Gas Prices are so unreal right now so takin the bike to the park is out of the question. I tried to get Brian to just go to the dollar store with me the other day but since he is depressed too because we both lost our jobs at the same time... he is trying to stay busy by playing his games to kingdom come. Which leaves me alone and more depressed. We are supposed to have a gym in our apartment complex so I am gonna check that out this week too. I just need to get moving. I only have 6 months left to feel like I want to on my day...

About the job thing... I interviewed for a job today and I think I did well... Hopefully I will get called back. So keep your fingers crossed.

Bad news is that when I went to go to it I go into my car and it wouldn't start. So here we go again with tryin to fix it. Its got to be the battery again. Which I just replaced. I will get it runnin though.

Once upon a time there was a old man who used to go to the ocean for peace and quiet, and for inspiration to do his writing. In the morning, he usually walked on the beach before he began his work. One day as he was walking along the shore, he saw a human figure moving like a dancer, bending, then wading into the waves, arms extended.

It pleased him that someone would dance to the beauty of the day and the rhythm of the waves. As he got closer, he saw that it was a young girl. The girl wasn't dancing, but instead she was reaching down to the sand, picking up something, and throwing it gently into the ocean.

He called out, "Good morning! What are you doing?"

The girl paused and replied, "Throwing starfish in the ocean."

"I guess I should have asked, why are you throwing starfish in the ocean?"

"The sun is up and the tide is going out. If I don't throw them in, they'll be stranded on the beach and die."

"But don't you realize that there are thousands of miles of beach and starfish all along the way.
You can't possibly make a difference!"

The girl listened and considered. Then she bent down, picked up another starfish and threw it into the sea. She watched a wave lift it high, and then it sank into the life-giving water.

"It made a difference for that one."

This is my mission statement. If I can possibly make a difference in someone else's life... whether it be volunteering at a soup kitchen on Christmas, helping a friend out in a time of need, or just being there as a shoulder to cry on... I am your woman. I may not be Oprah and have millions of dollars to donate to your cause, but rest assured, I will be there when you fall to help you pick up the pieces in your life. That is not only the commitment that I make to all of my friends... but also to my family and those that... like me have been down trodden and need someone or someplace to call Safe... Home... Sanctuary...

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Oh, oh, oh

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
To the years where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Natasha Bedingfield

"After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul. And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't always mean security. And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises. And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child. And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have a way of falling down in midflight. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure that you really are strong and you really do have worth. And you learn and you learn... with every good-bye you learn...... "

With that I am pondering everything that has brought me to this moment in my life. It's amazing at what we seek,and keep seeking. Then when we are at our most desperate and finally willing to offer it up, to let it all go... bend our reasoning... we then find amidst all the shit, the dirty secrets, the horrible experiences that we have had to endure to get to this point in life... the clarity that was always ever so near, just far too unattainable for someone "like me" I FOUND IT!

I have found not only myself... but the path that I have been so closely trying to follow has been the correct one. That knowledge alone is simply breath taking. I have learned that no matter who is trying to hurt me, pull me down to their filth, I am Better and stronger than they will ever know.

You don't Phase me. You are nothing to me... the only reason I put up with you is because of my soon to be husband. You exist in my world only because I will not make him choose over me and his friends.
You live. You learn. You move on.

If you cannot do that then... Good bye.

"But hey, that's life!...Isn't it? You allow yourself to be backed into a corner by the rejection, the adversity. You allow yourself to fall from grace and then you feel again. You re-ignite the senses, you re-evaluate the gift of being able to make someone happy and then...you strike! The frustration, the self-doubt, the all time low, the anxiety and the disappointment. You gather them and then you strike with the might of it all. You let it hurt you, maim you and even disgrace you. But you NEVER let it kill you. You let it get you down but then you get back up again and you strike!...Yeah sure I have bad days, sometimes I get down so low that I could wear a top hat and still crawl under a snake, we all do, but when we're being assessed, it's going to be on how quick and if at all we did get back up."


-Seal


Isn't this so true of the way that we as people need to be these days. We have to pick ourselves up off the ground after making either a mistake in some way or failing to accomplish something that is huge in our lives. Dusting the remnants of what you thought was a sure thing or a friendship that you thought would last a lifetime. But that's life... Isn't It? We continually are fighting and struggling to find some measure of actuality in some form of existance that could for one moment really matter to some one or something. To be validated in some way. To be important in some way to some one. I don't care who you are... you still feel the need for that simple and oh so basic feeling of belonging and being wanted. You would be a liar if you said that there wasn't and that you didn't feel it at some point in your life.

For me life has been more than giving everyone, and everything in it, the benefit of the doubt. Regardless of where you come from, what you look like, how many hands and toes you have... You are a great person... Until you prove me wrong...

So I think for me, this is my biggest fault. I trust too willingly. I have too big of a heart. I open doors for people to take advantage of me. I have faith in people that do not deserve it. I trust them till they rake and rape me over the coals so severely that there is no way out. The only way to change that though sadly is to become a more guarded and callous person. I have to cage my heart, trust, and sanity just so that I am not once again peeling myself off the pavement from another person who decided to be the more ugly of the two.

Here I am. Sitting here picking myself up off a terrible fall again. There still is not any resolve to the problem. There is not a non-messy way out. I am at a loss of where to go and how to handle the situation. I am Lost...

So for now I am working on my wedding, trying to find a decent job, and spending time with my fiance'. Everything else is a moot subject.