Its been sooo long since I have written anything and yet there is so much that is going on. I don't know where to begin.

I am still with Brian and I feel that we are slipping. It scares me. I have invested so much time into this relationship that I forgot to make me happy first. With him lately it feels as if I am living a double standard. Kind of a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation.

I have made all efforts to initiate some spark of playfullness in him and still its the same ole shit day after day. I work third shift and he is on seconds. so when he is going to work I am just getting in. You'd think that when we actually have time off together that he would try to make that time count for something. No sex! Nothing that is romantic, not even the faintest thought of fucking or anything goes through his mind. Basically thats it. I am so a sexual creature and nothing is happening. Its been more than 4 months since he even thought of it.
I was reading in bed and he comes in and lays down and trys to sleep. Like less than 5 minutes later he actually hits me and tells me he wants to sleep. So I am forced to turn the light off and lay down only to get up and roam the house because I am a third shifter and cannot sleep.

And he bitches about me leaving a glass out that I was using for whatever I was drinking. Jack our cat likes to knock things over and Brian chews my ass out even though it has nothing in it. Well I am here looking and reading and Brian left a fucking water glass full, on the coffee table, and the cat knocked it over and into my laptop. There again the double standard. Where he says to do something his way but yet he doesn't follow his own rules. And again I am gonna have to be the one who pays for the shit that it does not only to me but to my fucking laptop.

I have had dangerous thoughts of cheating!!! AND I CRY!!! I don't want to do anything to hurt him but he is hurting me so and he doesn't even think about it. Nor do I think he cares.

I am a glorified roomate again......... but yet I don't feel Glorious.


Whiskey

Well Everyone its been quite a long time since I have had the time or energy to write in here. Things have been happening like you wouldn't believe.

I have almost left Brian twice, second time I had all my shit packed ready to go and he wouldn't let me out of the bedroom. Which pissed me off even more. And like tonight its just the same old shit. Truthfully I have no clue on what to do to try to get this turned around so that its where it was a year ago.

There is no doubt in my mind, heart, and soul that I love this man, I just think that we need some time to be away from each other. We have been together ever since we met. It is a beautiful story of how we met and fell in love but, I need to also keep it in good health.

We as a whole, are not healthy. We cannot have a complete conversation without trying to rip each others heads off. I just think that we need some time apart and others have said to me that if you want it to be a forever thing that you need to find out away to get away without hurting the other person. Hurting meaning, without hurting their feelings.

I am 22, going to be 23 in May, I want to be able to act like a 22 year old. He is 28, going to be 29 in June, and he wants me to be a complete grown up and have grown up responsibilities and what not of a housewife but he doesn't want to get married or have any kids any time soon. Why do I have to confine myself to the apartment while he is working?

I have no intention of cheating on him. If I wanted to do that I would have done it. But I love him so much and all I want to do is make him and myself happy at the same time and I am getting the impression that both may never happen.

If I wanted to be single #1. I wouldn't wear my engagement ring. #2. I would be single, I wouldn't be with anyone right now if thats what I wanted.

I have thought about having a cleansing period, where I go and stay somewhere else so that we can have some time apart. But I donno how to initiate it without making him think that I want to break up.

I just don't know much about us anymore. That would be another reason why I want to get away for a while. We know nothing about what each other wants, in the relationship, in life. Thats really important and we need to take that time to get there. I want to know that the time that I spend is not going to be a waste. Do you know what I am talking about?

Whiskey