Well the title says it all. I am so Alone and its not like me to feel this way.


Discuss


Class dismissed.

Friendship make prosperity more shining and lessens adversity by dividing and sharing it.
Cicero, On Friendship, 44 B.C.Roman author, orator, & politician (106 BC - 43 BC)

Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence. True friendship is a plant of slow growth, and must undergo and withstand the shocks of adversity before it is entitled to the appellation.
George WashingtonFirst president of US (1732 - 1799)

A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.
A person whom one knows; an acquaintance.
A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade.
One who supports, sympathizes with, or patronizes a group, cause, or movement: friends of the clean air movement.

There isn’t much better in this life than finding a way to spend a few hours in conversation with people you respect and love. You have to carve this time out of your life because you aren’t really living without it.

What is a true friend?

For me it is the people who are there holding my hand when I have had surgery. The ones who have helped me change my bandages when I couldn't do it myself. People who have been there time and time again to lift me up when I cannot take life much more. Ones who understand and accepts that I am a broken person that needs constant nurturing and love.

And in turn I am a person that would give you anything in the world to make you happy. To make you feel loved and cherished. Someone to be there when your life has been ripped to pieces. I am one that is there holding your hand, taking the steps to piece it back together.

I love my friends.... yall are damn lucky.

"There's gotta be more to life...Than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me. Cause the more that I'm...Tripping out thinking there must be more to life. Well it's life, but I'm sure... there's gotta be more."

I am sooo sick of waiting for everyone else to fall in line. Sick of waiting for Brian to say that he loves me enough to want to be with me for the rest of his life. Sick of him not wanting to know or even plan for what will happen when we lose our jobs. Sick that he was the man that told me that he wanted to get married and have a family. Sick that I was stupid enough to fall for that Bullshit. Sick of the fact that I hand him my check so that he can pay our bills and run my life. Sick of his parents making me feel uncomfortable because he is the one that cannot make right money decisions. Making me feel like I don't pull my weight in the relationship financially. I am sick of Brian running to them when he majorly fucks something up. I am so sick of everyone else in the world so easily getting everything that I have been working so hard for my whole life. I am sick of waiting on everyone elses feelings and tip toeing around how I really feel. Sharee isn't allowed to have feelings. Sharee isn't allowed to make decisions in her business life that will upset people. Sharee isn't allowed to have nice things because we as a couple cannot afford anything. Sharee isn't allowed to get a new(er) car because she cannot Fucking afford it because she is paying everything she has towards a relationship that will never work.

I am tired of being fucked over, stepped on, used, abused and then completely ignored. Fuck everyone and the ass that they rode in on.

If you have been offended or have anything to say about that, STICK IT UP YOUR FUCKING ASS AND FEEL FOR ONCE HOW IT IS TO BE FUCKED ROYALLY! I AM FUCKIN DONE!!!!!



Whiskey

No matter what I do... my parents will never be happy with me. I try so hard just to be able to get close again... well I can't even get in the realm of close with my parents. Just don't understand why the first words that come from my father's mouth in years when he actually talked to me were... "Don't put those out they will melt!" And then the next time he spoke to me was when he told my aunt that he wasn't going to hold my niece until she was 2... after I had said that she was his grandaughter... he said..."She's not my responsibility!" and that was it. My mom never spoke to me at all. Not even did she say happy birthday when my grandma and aunt were saying it. I am done!

On to the baby shower.

IT WAS GREAT!

There wasn't as many people that I thought there would be but for who and what it was it worked really well.

Shelley got a lot of things that she wanted as well as some interesting things like 60- 100 pairs of socks for the baby. lol when we were kids we didn't wear socks. She also got some really nice outfits for Aurora. Aurora by the way, was awesome and slept most of the day as everyone held her. Perfect Princess.

The food was great, the people were great, the games were fun... Everyone was able to at least get one prize and then a candle to take home. I am happy with the way it went.

Ok I really like planning parties and what not but this is really stressful... My sister is really picky... DAMN! So I have one more day... And I have no BABY GAMES YET!!! So I am freakin out and searching for some cool stuff to play games with. I have Bingo and what not but omfg why AM I A PROCRASTINATOR.


I'll let yall know how it goes....


Whiskey

Ok so my day didn not turn out so bad after all. I got to work and my boss had arranged for me to be able to take the night off and spend it with my boys. I got really nice cards from Brian's Grandma and Aunts. I cried when I opened them. I guess the messages, which they pick out because of what they say, really got to me. It's the first birthday in a long time that most people didn't forget. Bob, Shell's bf, 2 wayed me last night after I got home and said Happy Birthday. It was nice but wasn't expected. It was a good surprise. He also told me that my mom asked Shelley to get a card for me while she was at the store. I guess all it took was me to break the ice after all these years. I finally had the balls to say something because I am usually the one that goes with the flow. Oh well off to start my day.....

Whiskey

Yeah well I wish it were that happy...

I spent all day in training and had some idiot co-worker tell me to hurry up and do something... He is an ass. Oh yea his name is... Casey. I told him to mind his damn business and to worry about himself.

Anyway, so I got a phone call from my sister this morning when we were on break from the meeting. So that was nice. Usually I would have to call her, to tell her that I was having a birthday. It's ok not even my best friend called to say "HEY!!! Thought about you and Happy Birthday." But no such luck. Not even my partner in business took the time to call.

Ok Shawn was another that wished me a Happy Birthday too... She is good to me too.

Brian got me new tires for my POS... so thats a good gift. Well at any rate I will probably celibrate more this weekend because I will be seeing most of my friends from home. I miss em'



Night Loves,


Whiskey

As I've matured.....

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your life, its because you are being ignorant and denying yourself true happiness.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the behind are permanent.

9:00 pm--------------------------------

Just got back and we had a wonderful dinner with Brian's parents. BBQ chicken and shish-ke-bob grilled veggies and some corn on the cob... omg yummy... We helped his mom with some of the gardening and then had dinner. Brian went downstairs and watched the game with his dad while his mom and I went and picked rhubarb out of the garden for pies. I love Strawberry Rhubarb Pie. They got me a birthday card and it was nice. They are going to take Brian and I out to dinner sometime for my birthday. They are great. Well I am going to get going I want to spend some time with Brian before I have to go to work. I won't get a lot of time with him tomorrow BECAUSE I have training all day and then have to work that night too. All on my birthday..... yuck oh well its more money.


Night yall,


Whiskey

Here I am waiting to go to work so that I can make the money to afford the things that I need. It's really sad that what I get for my birthday is tires on my POS car and then halfway home the muffler goes.

Now I am not bitching that I got new tires for my car as a gift. I am pissed and it figures that it would happen to me as my muffler goes halfway home. What luck huh?

Hopefully my Birthday goes better than the last few weeks but in the end lol I doubt that it will.

My sister Shell Shell had a baby on April 25, 2005. They named her Aurora Leigh. It's funny... she looks so much like my sister did when she was a baby. So no doubt she will be Beautiful. My sister is Beautiful.

So my Aunt and I are throwing her a baby shower on the May 21st. So far I have everything together. My mom is making Lasagne and Garlic bread and has ordered the cake. There is going to be some salad and I am doing a fruit tray like Brian's mom did for Andrea's mothers day get together.

Shell asked me to make some Baby Powder Candles for favors and what not for the shower and they turned out really well. I am burning one now and it smells just like babies and bathtime. We also made several other flavors... like Lovespell and Madarin Plum, Spiced Cranberry and Southern Apple Pie. Kris has a few other flavors too like French Vanilla and Peach. They all turned out awesome.

So now after the baby shower there are no more porjects for free. Kris' neices obligation really drained us of supplies and I have yet to see the money that will be paid back for having to replace them. But I am sure that we are all in a tight financial spot right now and thats ok. It will eventually be paid back. And then we can focus on the business.

Whiskey

What is true beauty?

Is it outward appearance only or is it a combination of the physical and the deeper core of the inner self? Is it more of an emotional attraction that we are instilled with when we are growing up? Or maybe it is just pure emotion in feeling the way we do about such things.

Here I am about to turn 24 on the 18th of this month... and I am finally getting my head together about who I am and where I want to be.

I looked in the mirror this morning and found that there no longer was this ugly face... that so much looks like my parents. People whom had told me that I could never accomplish the things that I have so far in my life. For so long I tore myself up inside because I look so much like the people that I have been taught to hate... by only themselves.

So I guess this entry could be better called epiphany. Suddenly finding that after I wrote "the letter" to them... That the person staring back at me is quite beautiful and has more to offer than what most have.

I am overweight, and am quite awkward I think... but in that awkwardness. not being like everyone else... I may not be perfect... or your ideal of Beautiful, but I am fuckin' amazing...

I am blessed


Whiskey

Well...

I figured that maybe I should start another one of these things to somewhat get my mind off of INSANE... lol So Thanks Shawn for the Idea and I will keep this dang thing updated as much as I possibly can with work and the candle makin'.



Love yall,


Whiskey