Life has it's own little way of twisting and turning you and spilling you through a roller coaster that you cannot predict. Lately I have been stressed to the limit. Ready to sign up for more insurance and take advantage of some further services that I have long said I will not use because I did not want to give in to the possibility that I could be quite insane lol... But alas... I think that just for a while I may need to physically need something to stimulate and promote more self control and self awareness... It may be some Lithium or maybe some Ativan... or maybe some good old fashioned POT. lol who knows... I cannot see my self as a big ole pothead but I guess it could happen.

I got an email from my ex Big B the other day. he refuses to see me because he is miserable and he didn't get or succeed in what he hoped in getting when he left me... I never have wished this on him... but the only reason why he is miserable is because he likes being that way. There is no one... and nothing that will get him out of it unless he wants to.

I met someone a while ago last year, pretty soon after Big B and I split up. We will call him DR just for shits and giggles. I have grown more than quite fond of this said DR. In November I decided to be honest with him and let him know that I wanted to make sure that I wasn't making the wrong decision in only dating him. Because thats what he wanted. I wasn't quite sure I was ready for that. I had another friend that had been my stable rock for a long time that I wanted to make sure was just that... a friend. We shall call him JP.

DR was distraght and took it more to heart than he should of. But I wanted to be honest with him because thats what he said he wanted was complete honesty. I mean thats what I wanted too. So I took two weeks or so and dated my friend JP. Well it turns out that both were a waste of time.... Both in the end fucked me over and stole from me.

I just want to let whoever it was know... you're not alone in trying your hardest and still not feeling good enough. Your secret now hangs in a frame in my room. Thank you for sharing not only your secret but also my secret. It feels good to know that I'm not alone.


You know its just like this too... Lately at work its been me trying my hardest not to step on toes, doing my job plus others and not bitching about it... I took a new position because what the job was.. was something that I knew that not only would I enjoy... but its something that I knew I could do because of my background so far in the mental health field that I have already done...

So I finally get the position and its nothing of what it was supposed to be. The schedule changed, my days off changed, what I am doing with the clients changed... and I feel as if I am not the scape goat for everything that goes wrong there. Not to mention all the disrespect and bs that I get from the residents...

THIS WAS NOT THE JOB I APPLIED FOR!!!

So now I have a meeting scheduled for Thursday when I return to work from my 2 days off... and I am sure I will be written up or worse for just doing my job... Doing the best that I can do...

I guess best is just not GOOD ENOUGH!