Even now as I look back at all my postings here and in my paper journal... I was never really happy!!!

I was always second guessing the things that were going on around me. I feel so sorry for you. The torment that you must have went through being with me and trying to keep all the bullshit hidden. The lies, the deceit and the effort it must have taken. Do you really believe the times where you wanted to go up north on a fishing trip or a job with Scott Schmidt's retarded aunt moving her was anything more than you fucking her? Scott told me everything I needed to know when you were there and didn't wake up till after 2pm... "Oh he is still sleeping and I am not waking him up." You are so fucking predictable.

You came home and then tried to turn that shit around and how I DIDN'T TRUST YOU? Well when you could ever become trustworthy... then there would have never been Fucking TRUST issues.

You work in the same patterns.

Stuck! HA HA! Your dumbass is now married to her!

You can post on facebook all day long about how happy you may be... but anyone that happy... wouldn't be posting about it. They would be living their lives...

I know the games you play.. you won them the first time. This time there is no game to play because I will watch from afar and watch as everything around you crumbles. She don't need my help nor do you. You do bad all by yourselves...

So ladies and gentlemen lets watch while the last curtain unfolds for Donald Whorton...

One day you will wake up and realize how amazing I really was, and when
that day comes, I will be waking up next to the man who already
knew... :)

Goodnight Yall

~Whiskey~

I never thought that I would ever come to a day where I would completely regret meeting you, falling in love, giving completely of myself, supporting you in everything that you wished to accomplish... everything you.

I am there now.

So I have been thinking alot about us lately. I went through stuff in the garage because Dad finally demanded me to. I went through the bags that you had packed for me before I had even gotten there to pick them up. I was surprised to find several things that were still in my possession that I had no idea for the last 5 months that I still had.

Since I have been losing weight like crazy, since the surgery, I have been in need of some bras. Well I had went to ths store and tried every bra on imaginable because none would fit right. I lost 2 cup sizes with the 60lbs that I have lost. I CRIED! I literally balled in the damned dressing room due to the fact that, what I think are my greatest assets, my boobs were disappearing.

So after not being able to find something that would fit around and also my little B cup size now. I left and vowed that I was going to get breast implants when all is said and done. I may still get them but at the moment I don't need to cry anymore.

I went through the bags of things you packed and found both of my brand new black bras.

Matter of fact I will be wearing one tonight when I see you. However, I am not sure if I will give you any satisfaction of knowing they are the ones that you bought for me or that you can even touch them lol.

Either way we will see.

My dad and I had a conversation this morning that really hit home. I guess hearing what happened between us through his eyes is enlightening and also scary from his point of view. He still can't understand why I keep hanging on to you. How I even still want to be friends with you. He pointed out the crazy fact that not only did you lose so much but you also made me lose everything that I had invested into the house and you... He said, "Whiskey... that had to have been thousands of dollars!" I guess I really never thought that much about it until then.

What is a scary fact that I have come to know is the absolute truth more times than not... my dad is ALWAYS right. When he puts everything in a row like he did this morning... I see everything that you took from me. I see everything that you still owe me. I still see everything that you still to this day keep from me. All the things that you omit to say to me... all the little lies that you have to continue to tell to even see me.

Why was she worth all of that? Why was it so easy for you to destroy my heart and dance on my soul by letting her rule your every waking moment except the time when you are with me.

She still is making you be her bitch... doing her bidding all day. That's why I am sitting in Starbucks right now, waiting for a better time for me to travel closer to you. So that I can spend a mere few hours with you and then sleep in order to work in the morning. I love you... But I don't know why I do this to myself...

Why? Why do I fucking do this? Why do I come runnng to you? Why is it that I would walk to the edge of the earth to help you, to love you, to make sure you were ok? When you don't feel for me what I feel for you. You don't come to me... even though you promise to.

I even pay you to do the little jobs that I can come up with just so that I can see you. Are you my whore? Do you like having 3 women that swoon over you. I am not quite like that. I love you... but I will not beg for you to be with me.

I have lost so much this year... you... my babies, the house that I helped pay for and renovate. For what? Her to treat you like a dog in your own house? To basically make you feel like shit and her bitch?

You asked me to not give up on you that night when she was in jail... and I sat with you on the docks at Zukey Lake Tavern. You cried on my shoulder as I asked you why I should believe that you could want me again... when you said in my face.... "I don't love you anymore." then again... you never looked into my eyes once that night. You never looked at me once through out the whole mess that night. Maybe so that you didn't see the pain... the tears,,, or my heart crashing into pieces all around you.

Either way... I sit here today... so far from where we were then... I am your mistress now... instead of your beloved. The one you have died for. Still I don't know what I ever did to deserve what you did to me... but it feel damn good to be doing it to her now too. Sure... it could blow up in my face... but that is the risk that I decide to take. I would rather hurt at this point.. then feel nothing at all.

You are my soul and for some reason... you keep calling me. You keep coming back for more of me. Why? If its not because you love me... It sure can't be the sex because that would have made you stay in the first place....

So I have been thinking....


Whiskey Leigh Embers

Today I prayed to God... for my selfish wishes to come true. Even if it did come true, what would I have done with it... I am unsure if I would want you back completely. So many things would have to have changed or in the process of changing.

All I know... Is that YOU asked ME not to GIVE UP on YOU. You are the one who asked me to give you some time before I moved on. The more you are with her though... the more you seem to forget me. The more she does wrong and against you... the more you seem to fall into her.

All I can do is do what you ask of me. But I don't want to be a mistress forever... since everything you have given her... once belonged to me

Or I can wake up and see what you really are doing to me. You said once that they told you to do whatever you needed to do to get me to pay for the things that you needed... Is that what you are really doing...? Just uaing me again as a stepping stone? Giving me what I want and telling me that you love me just to appease me till you are done using me?

I can't make you love me if you don't.

So my prayer for my miracle didn't happen... some how I knew it wouldn't. But I prayed selfishly anyway hoping my wish would have come true.

So I will wait for another month... then i donno...


Whiskey Leigh Embers

Your big blue eyes, your smile, your dirty face and hands, your angel face when you sleep! Its amazing how stupid I am. You are still the sweetest waste of my time. If there were nothing more there physically, emotionally, or spiritually between us... I would have been long gone. 

You are right. We click on some level that is more than you have had... but yet... you still left me for her. And yet, you are still with her. I love you and I am sure that I will never have you in my life as a staple again... I will be the other woman. I will thrust myself into that category because at this point... anything is better than nothing. I would rather hurt... than feel nothing at all. 

One Day I know you will wake up and know that something and someone is missing. I just hope that its not too late for you. 

One day you will wake up and realize how amazing I really was, and when
that day comes, I will be waking up next to the man who already
knew...

This last weekend was magical. I know we argued but for the most part it was awesome. I love you and I know you mean it when you say it to me. I believe when you tell me that she won't last. I know that I don't understand what you are trying to do... but I am still careful with me. 

I know that I don't need you to survive this life. I am no longer afraid to face not ever having you in my life... but I am hoping that I won't have to. 

I pray that you are not just playing me. I pray that you will wake up from whatever spell she has over you and return to me. Maybe I am crazy...

It's amazing all that has transpired in the last few months... without you Donald I have gained and lost. Mostly gained.

I just don't understand how I can still totally love you. Even though you broke my heart into tiny shards all over our bedroom floor. I do not know if it is that I am incapable of hating anyone. Or if it is just that you have some hold on me. You hold me without touch... and keep me without chains... Maybe I am sick... Maybe I like the pain too much to let it go.

However, I am not afraid anymore. I am not afraid of living with the idea of never seeing you again. I am not afraid that you will forever make me the enemy.

Just set me free of whatever bonds you have on me....

I posted this a while back and I really feel that it has as much meaning then as it does today.

I refuse to let the unknown scare me to death and I believe that everything will be more than ok.


I let go.

Gone is the blame for my past sins.

Gone is the hopelessness that I feel when I find myself overwhelmed by every day life.

Gone is the shame of hidden secrets.

GONE is the SHAME that he made me feel for not being PERFECT!!!

Gone is my wish to make everyone I love happy first.

TODAY ITS MY TURN!

I hope it isn't too late. I hope the damage I have done can be reversed. I can no longer bear the tears that I have brought myself. The tears I have allowed Brian and everyone else inflict on my heart and soul.

Today I let him go and let the chains and torture he was to my mind fall away. I always was afraid he won't like what he sees here. Now I don't give a fuck. I have always been Terrified he would leave and what I would do if he wasn't here. Now I know that he was a joke. Just having me around to help pay his way and as a fuck toy.

I now can be Alone.

Although I am never alone.

I can save myself. Be happy. Allow myself to be loved for the captivating woman that I am.

I will be whole again.

I WILL GAIN MY SANITY BACK FROM YOU.

You loved me, but you never knew who I was!

Today I let you go! You no longer will plague my mind, my heart, nor my soul. I toss you away, just like the trash you made me out to be.

Good Bye


Whiskey Leigh Embers

safe mark