So I have been thinking alot about us lately. I went through stuff in the garage because Dad finally demanded me to. I went through the bags that you had packed for me before I had even gotten there to pick them up. I was surprised to find several things that were still in my possession that I had no idea for the last 5 months that I still had.
Since I have been losing weight like crazy, since the surgery, I have been in need of some bras. Well I had went to ths store and tried every bra on imaginable because none would fit right. I lost 2 cup sizes with the 60lbs that I have lost. I CRIED! I literally balled in the damned dressing room due to the fact that, what I think are my greatest assets, my boobs were disappearing.
So after not being able to find something that would fit around and also my little B cup size now. I left and vowed that I was going to get breast implants when all is said and done. I may still get them but at the moment I don't need to cry anymore.
I went through the bags of things you packed and found both of my brand new black bras.
Matter of fact I will be wearing one tonight when I see you. However, I am not sure if I will give you any satisfaction of knowing they are the ones that you bought for me or that you can even touch them lol.
Either way we will see.
My dad and I had a conversation this morning that really hit home. I guess hearing what happened between us through his eyes is enlightening and also scary from his point of view. He still can't understand why I keep hanging on to you. How I even still want to be friends with you. He pointed out the crazy fact that not only did you lose so much but you also made me lose everything that I had invested into the house and you... He said, "Whiskey... that had to have been thousands of dollars!" I guess I really never thought that much about it until then.
What is a scary fact that I have come to know is the absolute truth more times than not... my dad is ALWAYS right. When he puts everything in a row like he did this morning... I see everything that you took from me. I see everything that you still owe me. I still see everything that you still to this day keep from me. All the things that you omit to say to me... all the little lies that you have to continue to tell to even see me.
Why was she worth all of that? Why was it so easy for you to destroy my heart and dance on my soul by letting her rule your every waking moment except the time when you are with me.
She still is making you be her bitch... doing her bidding all day. That's why I am sitting in Starbucks right now, waiting for a better time for me to travel closer to you. So that I can spend a mere few hours with you and then sleep in order to work in the morning. I love you... But I don't know why I do this to myself...
Why? Why do I fucking do this? Why do I come runnng to you? Why is it that I would walk to the edge of the earth to help you, to love you, to make sure you were ok? When you don't feel for me what I feel for you. You don't come to me... even though you promise to.
I even pay you to do the little jobs that I can come up with just so that I can see you. Are you my whore? Do you like having 3 women that swoon over you. I am not quite like that. I love you... but I will not beg for you to be with me.
I have lost so much this year... you... my babies, the house that I helped pay for and renovate. For what? Her to treat you like a dog in your own house? To basically make you feel like shit and her bitch?
You asked me to not give up on you that night when she was in jail... and I sat with you on the docks at Zukey Lake Tavern. You cried on my shoulder as I asked you why I should believe that you could want me again... when you said in my face.... "I don't love you anymore." then again... you never looked into my eyes once that night. You never looked at me once through out the whole mess that night. Maybe so that you didn't see the pain... the tears,,, or my heart crashing into pieces all around you.
Either way... I sit here today... so far from where we were then... I am your mistress now... instead of your beloved. The one you have died for. Still I don't know what I ever did to deserve what you did to me... but it feel damn good to be doing it to her now too. Sure... it could blow up in my face... but that is the risk that I decide to take. I would rather hurt at this point.. then feel nothing at all.
You are my soul and for some reason... you keep calling me. You keep coming back for more of me. Why? If its not because you love me... It sure can't be the sex because that would have made you stay in the first place....
So I have been thinking....
Whiskey Leigh Embers
Since I have been losing weight like crazy, since the surgery, I have been in need of some bras. Well I had went to ths store and tried every bra on imaginable because none would fit right. I lost 2 cup sizes with the 60lbs that I have lost. I CRIED! I literally balled in the damned dressing room due to the fact that, what I think are my greatest assets, my boobs were disappearing.
So after not being able to find something that would fit around and also my little B cup size now. I left and vowed that I was going to get breast implants when all is said and done. I may still get them but at the moment I don't need to cry anymore.
I went through the bags of things you packed and found both of my brand new black bras.
Matter of fact I will be wearing one tonight when I see you. However, I am not sure if I will give you any satisfaction of knowing they are the ones that you bought for me or that you can even touch them lol.
Either way we will see.
My dad and I had a conversation this morning that really hit home. I guess hearing what happened between us through his eyes is enlightening and also scary from his point of view. He still can't understand why I keep hanging on to you. How I even still want to be friends with you. He pointed out the crazy fact that not only did you lose so much but you also made me lose everything that I had invested into the house and you... He said, "Whiskey... that had to have been thousands of dollars!" I guess I really never thought that much about it until then.
What is a scary fact that I have come to know is the absolute truth more times than not... my dad is ALWAYS right. When he puts everything in a row like he did this morning... I see everything that you took from me. I see everything that you still owe me. I still see everything that you still to this day keep from me. All the things that you omit to say to me... all the little lies that you have to continue to tell to even see me.
Why was she worth all of that? Why was it so easy for you to destroy my heart and dance on my soul by letting her rule your every waking moment except the time when you are with me.
She still is making you be her bitch... doing her bidding all day. That's why I am sitting in Starbucks right now, waiting for a better time for me to travel closer to you. So that I can spend a mere few hours with you and then sleep in order to work in the morning. I love you... But I don't know why I do this to myself...
Why? Why do I fucking do this? Why do I come runnng to you? Why is it that I would walk to the edge of the earth to help you, to love you, to make sure you were ok? When you don't feel for me what I feel for you. You don't come to me... even though you promise to.
I even pay you to do the little jobs that I can come up with just so that I can see you. Are you my whore? Do you like having 3 women that swoon over you. I am not quite like that. I love you... but I will not beg for you to be with me.
I have lost so much this year... you... my babies, the house that I helped pay for and renovate. For what? Her to treat you like a dog in your own house? To basically make you feel like shit and her bitch?
You asked me to not give up on you that night when she was in jail... and I sat with you on the docks at Zukey Lake Tavern. You cried on my shoulder as I asked you why I should believe that you could want me again... when you said in my face.... "I don't love you anymore." then again... you never looked into my eyes once that night. You never looked at me once through out the whole mess that night. Maybe so that you didn't see the pain... the tears,,, or my heart crashing into pieces all around you.
Either way... I sit here today... so far from where we were then... I am your mistress now... instead of your beloved. The one you have died for. Still I don't know what I ever did to deserve what you did to me... but it feel damn good to be doing it to her now too. Sure... it could blow up in my face... but that is the risk that I decide to take. I would rather hurt at this point.. then feel nothing at all.
You are my soul and for some reason... you keep calling me. You keep coming back for more of me. Why? If its not because you love me... It sure can't be the sex because that would have made you stay in the first place....
So I have been thinking....
Whiskey Leigh Embers
