So here I am today... 25 years old, finally coming out of my awkward stage in life and able to cope with long time scars that faith and alot of soul searching has cured. I come out of it and just as I am about to be truly happy, I think, God has done it AGAIN!

We are playing dodge ball and I am on the wall and I am the only one left in my camp. But instead of rubber balls like in gym... they are real dead ringer balls of fire. He's looking real mean and I am giving him my best poker face and fake out move... I am sweating cause I know at any minute he is gonna throw one more curve ball and I am gonna have to either submit or dodge yet another something that will possibly make my heart happy.

Temptation my friends!!! That is the name of the sin in which I am trying to dodge. And then not so hard am I trying.

Now I am not talking about ice cream sandwiches or a whole tub of Mackinac Island Fudge Ice Cream... no cause I have already finished those bitches off.... I am started on the Chunky Monkey from Ben and Jerry's... Its a lil fruity like me. A little nuts like me. We have soo much in common yet I am stuck in the cross road between it and just plain chocolate.

I love chocolate!!!! Don't get me wrong, I really do. It's just that God Has thrown a Chunky Monkey at me and I am soooo confused and really only have a little bit of time to make a final decision. They will both melt under the heat and go bad.


GOD I LOVE YOU!!! But why now? Why after I have made huge steps. I prayed for so long for some icecream like Chunky Monkey for most of my life. Why couldn't you have given me a better chance at this before I loved Chocolate. Uh the world will never know....

Ok it's really cold her today in Michigan. Yesterday it was like 75 and today is 48 so far. I did get a cool surprise today. Barb my friend from back home called me to say happy birthday. Ha! She was the first one to call. Well only one so far.

I am in a rotten depressed mood to say the least. I am 25 today and I thought that I would be further in life by now. I feel really sick about it. I thought that I had found a really good and stable job 3 years ago and here I am unemployed, searching almost too desperately for some kind of job just to get me out of the house so that I won't go crazy. Not to mention to be able to afford the wedding in October. Unemployment just doesn't cut it. Not even close.

I thought I would be married and have children by now... Fuck, it took 4 long ass years for Brian to decide he loved me enough to get married.

I just feel so unaccomplished. And today. turning 25, really seems to draw my attention to it. I will say though its not from the lack of trying.

So Brian and I went to Senior' Lucky's which is a place out by where his mom lives. They have a special where the birthday person gets their meal free. So I decided to get fahitas... omg they were soooo good and I still have enough for lunch and dinner tomorrow. So then we go to ask for the check and out pop three of the waitress with a HUGE sombrero. Plopped the damn thing on me head and sang happy birthday kinda like the mexican hat dance. Best of all... they took a picture... LOL So when I go to Brian's moms I will scan the pic and add it here.

Then we came home and Brian grabbed some best buy certificates and something he wanted to fax for a job. So we went to PetSmart, and got some stuff for the kitties and some plants for our fish tanks. Oh and also to ask how much it would be to shave Tweak our long haired cat... lol Brian then went to Best Buy to get his new video card thing.

On the way home... my phone rang and it was my mother's cell phone number. I thought is was just my sister cause she uses it to call me sometimes. Nope it was my Aunt Jean and my mom calling from their golf league thing to wish me a happy birthday, and to say thanks for the gift I had gotten my mom for mothers day. It was very short but it was her calling.

OK... my mother has never called me for my birthday... ever. Maybe she is coming around. I donno but I will be being cautious about it. Who knows.

20 years ago I....
1. I was 5 Years old
2. was starting to be a surrogate mother to my sister
3. was ignorant to the verbal abuse that my parents reigned on me
4. thought my parents walked on water

10 years ago I....
1. was 15 Years old
2. started to bud into an independant woman my mother hated
3. was lonely
4. worked full time and went to school

5 years ago I....
1. was falling in love with an asshole
2. tried finding out who i really was
3. began having the desire to run..anywhere..ditch it all and go
4. contemplated suicide
5. lost a wonderful friend

4 years ago I....
1. met my true love, soul mate
2. was adopted and made welcome into an actual "family"
3. started becoming the person I knew I always was
4. learned my dad allowed a redhead to tear our family apart
5. Finally understood why I was a surrogate mother to my sister 20 years ago
6. My life made a little more sense. It wasn't my fault anymore

1 year ago I....
1. worked and thought I had job security
2. found out quickly that my job wasn't secure
3. thought I was going to lose my soulmate

So far this past year, I....
1. have discovered parts of me long hidden.
2. became engaged and set a wedding date with soulmate
3. learned to set and keep boundries
4. found a church that soulmate and I agree on
5. moved to a better area closer to our "family"
6. Forgave my parents... whether they asked for it or not

Yesterday I....
1. worried about how to afford a DJ
2. perfect DJ found me and is affordable
3. missed my bestest friend

Today I....
1. held my soulmate close to me
2. got spanked ***HARD*** I was a brat! it was deserved lol
3. prayed for many of my family and friends
4. prayed to find a good job again

Tomorrow I will....
1. adore my kitties and soon to be husband more
2. enjoy the day I have been given
3. hug someone I care about

In the next year I will....
1. find an awesome job
2. become a mother... in some way
3. grow to not let anyone take advantage of me
4. ALLOW MYSELF TO BE HAPPY
5 Be a wonderful wife