Today I let go.

Gone is the blame for my past sins.

Gone is the hopelessness that I feel when I find myself overwhelmed by every day life.

Gone is the shame of hidden secrets.

Gone is my wish to push everyone I love out of my life.

I hope it isn't too late. I hope the damage I have done can be reversed before I am left alone. I can no longer bear the tears that I have brought on to my Brian, watching him suffer because I suffer. Today I let him into my mind. I'm afraid he won't like what he sees. Terrified he will leave and what I will do if he's not there. I can never be alone.

Although I am never alone.

Today I am with Christ.
I can save myself. Be happy. Allow myself to be loved.
I will be whole again.


Whiskey

I saw you yesterday as you began your daily chores. You awoke without kneeling to pray. As a matter of fact, you didn’t even bless your food or pray before going to bed last night. You are so unthankful. I like that about you. I cannot tell you how glad I am that you have not changed your way of living.

Fool, you are mine. Remember, you and I have been going steady for years and I don’t love you yet. As a matter of fact, I hate you because I hate God. I'm only using you to get even with God. He kicked me out of Heaven and I’m going to use you as long as possible to pay him back.

You see fool, God loves you and He has great plans for you, but you have yielded your life to me and Im going to make your life a living hell. That way we'll be together twice, this will really hurt God. Thanks to you, I’m really showing Him who's boss in your life. With all the good times we have had, watching dirty movies, cussing folks out, partying, stealing, lying, cheating, being a hypocrite, fornicating, committing immoral acts, over=eating, smoking, drinking, doing drugs, playing hooky from church, telling dirty jokes, gossiping, and backstabbing folks. Surely you don't want to give all of this up.

Come on fool, lets burn together forever! I've got some hot plans for us.

This is just a letter of appreciation from me to you. I'd like to say thanks for letting me use you for most of your life. Fool, you are gullible. I laugh at you when you are tempted to sin and give in. Ha! Ha! Ha! You even make me sick!!!
Sin is beginning to take it's toll on your life. You look twenty years older. I need some new blood. So go ahead, teach the little kids how to sin. All you have to do is smoke, drink, cheat, gamble, gossip, fornicate, cuss, over eat, miss Sunday school and week night services, party hearty, and listen and dance to top ten jams. Do all of this in the presence of children and they will want to do it too. Kids are like that.

Well, I've got to go for now. I'll be back in a few seconds to tempt you again. If you were smart, you would run somewhere, confess your sins and live for God with what little bit of life you have left. Are you one of those people who have forgotten how many times God has reached down and pulled you out of my clutches of death? It's not my nature to warn anyone, but to be your age and still sinning is becoming a bit ridiculous. Don’t get me wrong, I still hate you. It's just that you'd make a better fool for Christ. If you really love me you will not share this letter.

Satan

Well GG is no longer with us. I am having an extremely hard time coming to terms with this. I worked with her for over 7 months and she was almost like family to me. Well thats how close we were.
This is how it happened.

Friday morning went like it always did and I left and she was in good spirits and very much "Alive".
Saturday morning I get a phone call from the emergency room at Memorial Hospital, saying that she is asking for me to come up and sit with her until they get her a room. They of course cannot give me any information over the phone, so I go up there thinking that this is going to be another one of her fake "I need attention" hospital visits.

She has only had been up to the Emergency room 5 times in the last month sooo I was skeptical...
I get there and she is laying there in triage, this time has more monitors and what not hooked up to her. Her nurse comes in and says that the doctor should be in any time now to give me some information and ask some questions. So I said ok.

He comes in and tells me that she has a fracture in her L5 vertebre... And that they were going to fly her out to Sparrow hospital to correct it, but with her lungs being the way that they were, she wouldn't make it past the anesthesia. He also said that it had been there for a while. A old break?

So he continues to tell me that she is going to be able to go home On Monday after the Physical Therapy people come up and take a look at her.

So they roll her up into a room and leave her there with me.

Apparently she woke up at 5am to go to the bathroom and couldn't get up. Couldn't move. So she pulled her cord that was by her bed at home, and the guy next door came and called her daughter, CP, who said call emergency and get her up there to the hospital.

I called CP, as soon as I could get a chance after they called me. I asked her to come up because it was more serious then they had thought. She had Spineosis of the Spine on top of having a fracture in the L5 vertebre.

So she is in a horrid amout of pain and they give her some medication and we had to wait to see what was going to happen.

Well she was there for a few days and was in so much pain that they gave her a small overdose of Morphine... and it filled her lungs full of fluid and suffocated her. Best part is that the doctor never got in trouble because her daughter CP never reported it!

I cry...

Whiskey

Maybe its just the way that the earth smells as it braces for change. It could be the smell of leaves turning colors in the cooling breeze. In the process of dying, or even just hybernation, the earth revels in the thought of new life and the posiblities that lie therein.

I love fall for the crispness in the air as you take a morning jog. It reminds me of thick fuzzy sweaters and sitting cuddled up next to a bonfire or fireplace with some hot chocolate or alcoholic beverage of your choice. It reminds me of my love for Brian, for we met in October...

Even the smell of burning leaves is inviting and there is nothing in the world remotely like this. Just a pure, earthy, wholesome goodness of a smell If I could bottle this scent, this feeling, I would be a fairly wealthy woman.

And then it rains... The most beautiful coolness on my skin.

I will get married in the fall. Brian likes this idea as well... Our spirits seem to coincide more and more over time. Especially in the fall... I don't know what it is... But it sure captures and captivates me...

hmmmmm... (sighs as she cuddles her warm, soft blanket and pets the purring Jack on her lap.)



Whiskey