Forever will be known as the day that my life changed... I have completely lost it. The only thing that is keeping me from killing myself right now is the thought of him taking everything I have now. How his mother would revel in that. All I am to them was a money grubbing whore who never made her lil boy happy. I wasn't pretty enough... skinny enough... Nothing I did was ever good enough. But yet they all sat there... pretending to my face to like me to even love me, lying, and secretly plotting against me. She was histarically happy when I called her to tell her that Brian cheated on me. She said, "Honey, we will get through this." and the ever popular "Whatever you need just call."

So I sit here alone waiting for some light to come through this day. For some instance of maybe Brian being that man that I spent my life with so far. No he didn't call. He didn't acknowledge that I even existed... I am sorry... How FUCKING cold can you be...?

That's ok... I am done feeling like I am the one who needs to change. I love myself... I hate myself for letting him make me feel this way... My best friend tonight is my bottle of southern comfort...

There are a few people that I have to thank tonight... Jason, Rochelle and Jacque for actually taking the time to make sure that I was ok... People that actually gave a damn... There are so many people that have let me down that I am just at the point of becoming reclusive and focusing on the people who actually give a shit. So thanks guys ... you are the greatest and I don't take you for granted.

Life is change and I will be fine... just tonight I reserve the right to go crazy.

It's strange to hear your voice, I did not expect for you to call
You wonder how I'm doin, how I'm holding up since you've been gone

Well, how am I doing since you did, what you've done to me
I can't lie, I sometimes cry, when I think of how it used to be
I keep my friends with me, I stay busy, and I don't get much sleep
Baby that's how i'm doing since you did, what you done to me

Well now wait one minute, I failed to mention, those tears I cried are tears of joy
Because it was no fun, there under your thumb, and now that we're done
I'm getting right, every night, with every single, every loving guy in sight

Well, how am I doing since you did, what you've done to me
I can't lie, I sometimes cry, when I think of how it used to be
I keep my friends with me, I stay busy, and I don't get much sleep
Baby that's how i'm doing since you did, what you done to me

Well, when all my friends heard, what a you know what you were
They took me out on the town
But then I heard our song, and I danced along, but it felt all wrong
Cause he was sweet, he let me lead, he never took his ever lovin eyes off me

Well, how am I doing since you did, what you've done to me
I can't lie, I sometimes cry, when I think of how it used to be
I keep my friends with me, I stay busy, and I don't get much sleep
Baby that's how i'm doing since you did, what you done to me

Well I don't know what you were thinking, running round on me
Well, now you say you're sorry.....well honey I agree

So, how are you doing since you did, what you did to me
Boy don't lie, I know you cried...cause you know how good it used to be
Yeah, tell me does the thought of, loosing my true love, make it hard to sleep

Baby how are you doing since you did what you done to me
Now how are you doing, now that you know how I'm doing
Since you did what you done to me

There are so many memories that flood my mind and my brain at times where they shouldn't. Like when I am dancing with someone else, or when someone else is holding my hand in theirs. When I am driving to work, or even home from... I am bombarded with the things that I don't want to remember. Things that literally drive me crazy. Its not fair to me... FUCK! Its not fair to the new man and or men that will love me...

In my mind, in my heart, and in my soul... I wore that ring for 6 months showing it off to everyone, being so proud that I actually had found someone that was worth me settling down with. Telling everyone that there was no one else that could make me so happy. That there was nothing in this world that would have made me happier. Someone who loved me... as much or maybe even more than I loved him. Linking my life with his family whom, at the time, were more than nice to me. All my struggles in life, all the things that I have to endure... made sense... for one moment my world was right.

Even those times when I was down there in our bed and making love to you... Looking you in the eyes and you telling me you loved me. Touching my face and making me believe that life was worth letting go of inhibitions for. Looking you in the eyes as I gave to you myself without abandon... Doing things to you that I did not particularly enjoy, but I did them for you. For you! EVERYTHING was for You! Do you even remember that? Me looking up at you... loving your body, loving at the moment what I was doing while I was there. So intently stroking your ego with every breath and every smack, all the while you knew... you would never marry me. I was the happy idiot. I cared nothing for myself... Only of you.

But I am the cheater... I am the whore... I am the lying bitch... and you were never happy?

AND YET... I came home, every night to the man I loved. That was YOU.

People don't stay... for 4 years if they aren't happy. What did you have to gain in going through the last 6 months pretending to love me... buying rings... going with me to look at outfits for you??? Putting money on the caterer... DJ... Talking of flowers and having my family and friends get measured for dresses and paying for that.

That is what tortures me everyday. I don't have anyone to support me through this... but you have the family that thinks that you smell of nothing but roses. Pays your way though life and picks up the mess and all the little pieces and strings you left behind. The family that now treats and talks of me like I am trash...

I think its really funny.. that you cannot even sit down and have lunch with me or get some coffee just to talk.. Its too SAD for you... WAS THIS SHIT NOT YOUR DOING? WAS IT NOT WHAT YOU WANTED????

Its not my fault that you handled everything they way YOU did. I hope you find comfort in the computer and the tv and all the material things that you thought you were depriving me of...

All I wanted was for you to love me enough to respect me... not to run my name into the ground... and to treat me like a person not a piece of trash... You still can't do it. Because... you are NOT a man, just a boy hiding from life under mommy's skirts, trying to please her when you can.

Am I sad... umm yea. In those fleeting moments when I look back on anything that was good in our relationship only to enjoy them for a brief moment and then them crumble under the facts and the truths that whisper themselves to me. Everything was one huge lie out of you, your family, and the lot. But only in those fleeting moments do I even think of you...

I have a computer, a tv, and I will be able to buy all those little things which you thought you could deprive me of... All I lack is the one who will replace you... I will find him.

Well anyways... Life is good. Just paid my 2nd months rent by myself. I walked up to that box and so dropped that rent check in and said... "I am getting there." sighed and walked to my car to go work my ass off to afford next months and then some :) I finally bought a computer too and I got an awesome deal woot!

the hmmmm part of my post is this....

I was in a particular bar that my friend Jason and I go to, to watch the different bands play. We don't usually get anything but a soda or so but thats what I like. I like to remember what they sounded like. SO. He and I walk in... and we look for a table and what not like always. He puts quarters down to play pool and... THERE SHE SITS!!! ( or at least a very good replica of her) Cherie the girl Brian fucked me over with.... and best part of all of this is.... SHE WASN'T WITH HIM!!! Some other guy. Same nappy blonde, dark root growing, front toothless woman that was and is a home wrecker.

OK! I am a good girl. I really am. :) So I sat down with a few of Jason's friends that I had been introduced to before. I smile and I was really having a good time and she gets up and apparently she saw me too... lol and left with her man??? who knows but I just find it funny. I didn't make any gestures. I didn't get up and say "Hey, How is Brian?" in front of her date. No, and I did not make a scene because let me tell ya... there would have been a lot of people who would have wanted to take her out. But I am better than that. So that was my hmmm ... moment.

So I know what all yall are thinking... Why don't I just call him up and say "Look your hoe is just that and she isn't hoeing out with you." Number one I don't care about him and his heart. He had no regard for mine and really deserves all the heartache he has caused me so why should I even say a word? and Second he wouldn't believe me anyway. To him, in his mind and his family's now, I am nothing but a lying bitch. Because thats what he has said of me for the last 4 years. So Whats the sense in wasting my breath.