There are so many memories that flood my mind and my brain at times where they shouldn't. Like when I am dancing with someone else, or when someone else is holding my hand in theirs. When I am driving to work, or even home from... I am bombarded with the things that I don't want to remember. Things that literally drive me crazy. Its not fair to me... FUCK! Its not fair to the new man and or men that will love me...
In my mind, in my heart, and in my soul... I wore that ring for 6 months showing it off to everyone, being so proud that I actually had found someone that was worth me settling down with. Telling everyone that there was no one else that could make me so happy. That there was nothing in this world that would have made me happier. Someone who loved me... as much or maybe even more than I loved him. Linking my life with his family whom, at the time, were more than nice to me. All my struggles in life, all the things that I have to endure... made sense... for one moment my world was right.
Even those times when I was down there in our bed and making love to you... Looking you in the eyes and you telling me you loved me. Touching my face and making me believe that life was worth letting go of inhibitions for. Looking you in the eyes as I gave to you myself without abandon... Doing things to you that I did not particularly enjoy, but I did them for you. For you! EVERYTHING was for You! Do you even remember that? Me looking up at you... loving your body, loving at the moment what I was doing while I was there. So intently stroking your ego with every breath and every smack, all the while you knew... you would never marry me. I was the happy idiot. I cared nothing for myself... Only of you.
But I am the cheater... I am the whore... I am the lying bitch... and you were never happy?
AND YET... I came home, every night to the man I loved. That was YOU.
People don't stay... for 4 years if they aren't happy. What did you have to gain in going through the last 6 months pretending to love me... buying rings... going with me to look at outfits for you??? Putting money on the caterer... DJ... Talking of flowers and having my family and friends get measured for dresses and paying for that.
That is what tortures me everyday. I don't have anyone to support me through this... but you have the family that thinks that you smell of nothing but roses. Pays your way though life and picks up the mess and all the little pieces and strings you left behind. The family that now treats and talks of me like I am trash...
I think its really funny.. that you cannot even sit down and have lunch with me or get some coffee just to talk.. Its too SAD for you... WAS THIS SHIT NOT YOUR DOING? WAS IT NOT WHAT YOU WANTED????
Its not my fault that you handled everything they way YOU did. I hope you find comfort in the computer and the tv and all the material things that you thought you were depriving me of...
All I wanted was for you to love me enough to respect me... not to run my name into the ground... and to treat me like a person not a piece of trash... You still can't do it. Because... you are NOT a man, just a boy hiding from life under mommy's skirts, trying to please her when you can.
Am I sad... umm yea. In those fleeting moments when I look back on anything that was good in our relationship only to enjoy them for a brief moment and then them crumble under the facts and the truths that whisper themselves to me. Everything was one huge lie out of you, your family, and the lot. But only in those fleeting moments do I even think of you...
I have a computer, a tv, and I will be able to buy all those little things which you thought you could deprive me of... All I lack is the one who will replace you... I will find him.
In my mind, in my heart, and in my soul... I wore that ring for 6 months showing it off to everyone, being so proud that I actually had found someone that was worth me settling down with. Telling everyone that there was no one else that could make me so happy. That there was nothing in this world that would have made me happier. Someone who loved me... as much or maybe even more than I loved him. Linking my life with his family whom, at the time, were more than nice to me. All my struggles in life, all the things that I have to endure... made sense... for one moment my world was right.
Even those times when I was down there in our bed and making love to you... Looking you in the eyes and you telling me you loved me. Touching my face and making me believe that life was worth letting go of inhibitions for. Looking you in the eyes as I gave to you myself without abandon... Doing things to you that I did not particularly enjoy, but I did them for you. For you! EVERYTHING was for You! Do you even remember that? Me looking up at you... loving your body, loving at the moment what I was doing while I was there. So intently stroking your ego with every breath and every smack, all the while you knew... you would never marry me. I was the happy idiot. I cared nothing for myself... Only of you.
But I am the cheater... I am the whore... I am the lying bitch... and you were never happy?
AND YET... I came home, every night to the man I loved. That was YOU.
People don't stay... for 4 years if they aren't happy. What did you have to gain in going through the last 6 months pretending to love me... buying rings... going with me to look at outfits for you??? Putting money on the caterer... DJ... Talking of flowers and having my family and friends get measured for dresses and paying for that.
That is what tortures me everyday. I don't have anyone to support me through this... but you have the family that thinks that you smell of nothing but roses. Pays your way though life and picks up the mess and all the little pieces and strings you left behind. The family that now treats and talks of me like I am trash...
I think its really funny.. that you cannot even sit down and have lunch with me or get some coffee just to talk.. Its too SAD for you... WAS THIS SHIT NOT YOUR DOING? WAS IT NOT WHAT YOU WANTED????
Its not my fault that you handled everything they way YOU did. I hope you find comfort in the computer and the tv and all the material things that you thought you were depriving me of...
All I wanted was for you to love me enough to respect me... not to run my name into the ground... and to treat me like a person not a piece of trash... You still can't do it. Because... you are NOT a man, just a boy hiding from life under mommy's skirts, trying to please her when you can.
Am I sad... umm yea. In those fleeting moments when I look back on anything that was good in our relationship only to enjoy them for a brief moment and then them crumble under the facts and the truths that whisper themselves to me. Everything was one huge lie out of you, your family, and the lot. But only in those fleeting moments do I even think of you...
I have a computer, a tv, and I will be able to buy all those little things which you thought you could deprive me of... All I lack is the one who will replace you... I will find him.
