I love this site but don't have time to add it to blog roll

http://wonderland.starma.co.uk/?p=525 feel free to check it out. I love the template for this site!!



Whiskey

Today I am going to the doctor. Tomorrow is my ct scan... I am freaking. I know I know I want to know whats hurting me and making me tired. I want to know what this is so that we can effectively get rid of it. If its possible. I am over 2 months in now and am ready to find out what it is.

I miss you gram. You would be the person that I would love to talk to right now. Just to ask if I am going to make it through this...

I am so scared and I really don't think that anyone even understands or know just how much this sucks. I know I am not the only one that the C-word comes up for, but given my track record with luck... You would think that I wouldn't have had to even deal with this.

I feel unconsequential. Like I don't really matter. That my life has been nothing but insignifigant and a burden to everyone that I have come in contact with. My family doesn't even really get the scope of this. My dad is having Don and I come down tomorrow so that he can put a toilet in and fix some things... Let's not think that Whiskey could be a little sensitive to this considering that this is my life we are talking about.

We did some laundry tonight and I could only imagine what is going to happen next... I am so simple. I love it when you are at the laundry mat and you scrape up just enough money extra to buy a soda to share or a bag of M&M's. In that moment life is good. Life is perfect at that second.

How many moments we take for granted just to rush through and get things done. Never really enjoying what we have been given.

I am at that point. I just set and try to remember the good things that have happend in my life. There have been wonderful moments... but everything has been fleeting. There has not been one thing that lasted for more than a few seconds at a time.

Never have I experienced something that was supposed to be for Whiskey's happiness only.

How sad...

I am so scared that I cannot even sleep. I just need to get this over with so that I know...



Whiskey

Ugh... I hate having to find a new template. I so loved the one before.. I have changed it now for the last few days and nothing seems to just pop out and scream at me. There have a few nice ones that were close but still nothing that I am happy with.

I had the other for soooo long that I forgot how and what to do to find them. I am going to have to contact the maker of the last one and see what happened to it. I loved it so!

So bear with me as I change it until I find THE ONE... So funny its like trying to find a good fit for shoes and a man lol


Whiskey

I posted this a while back and I really feel that it has as much meaning then as it does today.

I refuse to let the unknown scare me to death and I believe that everything will be more than ok.


I let go.

Gone is the blame for my past sins.

Gone is the hopelessness that I feel when I find myself overwhelmed by every day life.

Gone is the shame of hidden secrets.

GONE is the SHAME that he made me feel for not being PERFECT!!!

Gone is my wish to make everyone I love happy first.

TODAY ITS MY TURN!

I hope it isn't too late. I hope the damage I have done can be reversed. I can no longer bear the tears that I have brought myself. The tears I have allowed Brian and everyone else inflict on my heart and soul.

Today I let him go and let the chains and torture he was to my mind fall away. I always was afraid he won't like what he sees here. Now I don't give a fuck. I have always been Terrified he would leave and what I would do if he wasn't here. Now I know that he was a joke. Just having me around to help pay his way and as a fuck toy.

I now can be Alone.

Although I am never alone.

I can save myself. Be happy. Allow myself to be loved for the captivating woman that I am.

I will be whole again.

I WILL GAIN MY SANITY BACK FROM YOU.

You loved me, but you never knew who I was!

Today I let you go! You no longer will plague my mind, my heart, nor my soul. I toss you away, just like the trash you made me out to be.

Good Bye



Whiskey

Today I recieved the approval letter for my CT Scan. I have mixed emotions about the whole ordeal. I am so scared though. I have no idea how to react in front of people or my parents. I don't know what they are thinking. They just kind of were quiet when I told them what was wrong.

I talked with my friend Rochelle this evening. She and I had a few laughs and some serious talk about whats going on. I believe that if I stuff it away in a dark corner of my mind, it would only give whatever is wrong power over me and my body.

I refuse to do this!

We both giggled after I told her that if I was going to have to have surgery or something... I was going to ask for a tummy tuck at the same time. She said, "Yea, it would make sense and would kill two birds with one stone."

But all I have done is cry. Especially in moments when I see people doing things that I have always wanted to do. Or hearing that so and so is pregnant. Or even seeing peopel with their new families walking by and playing and being happy.

I don't think I have really and truthfully been happy. I just want this shit to be over so that I can move on and start being happy.

I hope that there is nothing wrong and that my 12 cm friend floating in my abdomen was just a shadow of my fat roll or something else comical.

It is simply amazing to me how many people are so set in their ways and ignorant of others around them... For instance, Vanessa, she will do the least amount of work possible in everything. Whether it be cooking, washing dishes, taking care of her dog... she will find the easiest way out of doing it or doing as little as possible.

I just did a sink full of dishes that would have made the pope wretch and vomit. Now half of them we re-do dishes from the last time she did them.

I have always been taught certain order of doing dishes so that they are truly clean. Hell i worked in an institution so I had to have everything sanitary. When you finish dishes you do all the pans even if they are nasty dirty. You may have to change the water but they will come clean. Then you wash all the counter spaces. Not only so it looks tidy but so that you don't have nasty bacteria spreading or worse... attracting unpleasant bugs like roaches and such.

So I walk in the kitchen to do them and well... you can say that nothing was finished the last time when she had done them. The counters were full of nasty residue from food and who knows what else. I hate clutter and I hate it when a person is filthy... She is filthy.

All I have to say... our kitchen should never smell like it did. You can't cook in there when it's like that. Instead of doing the dishes to cook and what not... she will wash what she needs and then leave it all set there, rotting.

Ugh I am so sick of her bitching too. I was on the phone tonight long distance with a friend. I had moved to the bedroom so that I could hear her and while I was talking... she started in on me behind my back. Apparently she thought I did not hear her. She said something to the effect that all she wanted from the store was chocolate and no one ever listens to her or gives her what she wants. Waaaa... waaaa... waaaa...

uGH i HATE THIS LIFE WITH THEM...


Whiskey

It’s a funny thing to think that you are dying. To even fathom the idea, at first, is absolutely frightening. The things that run through your mind are incredible and amazing all at the same time.

I used to run circles around my clients when I was working. Now I can’t even bring myself to have enough energy, even though my mind wants to do it, to get out of the car and go in, or feel secure enough that I won’t keel over and pass out in a store, a mall, hell even at the doctors office.

I could get one of those Amigo scooter things but I would feel more ashamed of having to use one than just to miss out on what could be in the store.

I used to be so active. I have never been accused of being skinny. I think most of this has been building for several years now. Slowly eating me and robbing my soul and body of energy and the will to move my body and become more.

My doctor has yet to confirm anything. To tell me what is making me feel this way. She mostly refuses to call me back.

I want so badly to just peel off the layers and run, jump, and scream to escape all of this.

I want to be out on stage living my life as it should have been… the way that I dreamed it would have been for me. Instead… I shut down and am trapped in an endless cycle that I thought I had shed several years ago.

I am now facing the true possibility that I may never be able to have kids of my own body but what scares me even more is the idea of not living much past the age of 50 or even getting to it.

I think of being a vegetable and not being able to do what I want and to live the life I want and have dreamed of.

I have made so many mistakes in my life. I am not in any pain yet but I imagine it could come to that. I am however extremely uncomfortable. I don’t think that there have been many nights where I sleep all the way through.. I toss and turn trying to make my body adjust to the mattress or even when we are in the car I have to jostle my body around frequently so that I don’t set in one place to long. I don’t have ants in my pants. I wake up over 10 times a night getting up and down to use the bathroom.

I Am Restless……….. I want to break free from all of this and find a better way to exist.

Something has got to give…

Sincerely,

Ember