Today I recieved the approval letter for my CT Scan. I have mixed emotions about the whole ordeal. I am so scared though. I have no idea how to react in front of people or my parents. I don't know what they are thinking. They just kind of were quiet when I told them what was wrong.

I talked with my friend Rochelle this evening. She and I had a few laughs and some serious talk about whats going on. I believe that if I stuff it away in a dark corner of my mind, it would only give whatever is wrong power over me and my body.

I refuse to do this!

We both giggled after I told her that if I was going to have to have surgery or something... I was going to ask for a tummy tuck at the same time. She said, "Yea, it would make sense and would kill two birds with one stone."

But all I have done is cry. Especially in moments when I see people doing things that I have always wanted to do. Or hearing that so and so is pregnant. Or even seeing peopel with their new families walking by and playing and being happy.

I don't think I have really and truthfully been happy. I just want this shit to be over so that I can move on and start being happy.

I hope that there is nothing wrong and that my 12 cm friend floating in my abdomen was just a shadow of my fat roll or something else comical.