Today I am going to the doctor. Tomorrow is my ct scan... I am freaking. I know I know I want to know whats hurting me and making me tired. I want to know what this is so that we can effectively get rid of it. If its possible. I am over 2 months in now and am ready to find out what it is.

I miss you gram. You would be the person that I would love to talk to right now. Just to ask if I am going to make it through this...

I am so scared and I really don't think that anyone even understands or know just how much this sucks. I know I am not the only one that the C-word comes up for, but given my track record with luck... You would think that I wouldn't have had to even deal with this.

I feel unconsequential. Like I don't really matter. That my life has been nothing but insignifigant and a burden to everyone that I have come in contact with. My family doesn't even really get the scope of this. My dad is having Don and I come down tomorrow so that he can put a toilet in and fix some things... Let's not think that Whiskey could be a little sensitive to this considering that this is my life we are talking about.

We did some laundry tonight and I could only imagine what is going to happen next... I am so simple. I love it when you are at the laundry mat and you scrape up just enough money extra to buy a soda to share or a bag of M&M's. In that moment life is good. Life is perfect at that second.

How many moments we take for granted just to rush through and get things done. Never really enjoying what we have been given.

I am at that point. I just set and try to remember the good things that have happend in my life. There have been wonderful moments... but everything has been fleeting. There has not been one thing that lasted for more than a few seconds at a time.

Never have I experienced something that was supposed to be for Whiskey's happiness only.

How sad...

I am so scared that I cannot even sleep. I just need to get this over with so that I know...



Whiskey