Today is the prep for my surgery. I don't think that I have went to the bathroom so much in my life. My last surgery did not afford me time to prep for it because it was emergency. But I almost think I would have rather done this that way... It just was in a different part of the body. I think that is why this is so crucial to prepare for. I guess it's not every day that one has their abdomen sliced open and their twin removed from their body.

I am an emotional wreck right now. I don't have enough time to myself to actually grasp all of what is happening. It wasn't even 6 months ago when I went in for that physical for the job down by my mom's and they took that blood pressure that started all of this in motion.

High Blood pressure... medications for that
Diabetes... medications for that
Pap...
Ultrasound...
CT Scan...

Twin-- parasitic and then also the diagnosis of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome
Now the surgery...

Hopefully within the forseeable future a skinnier, healthier and more physically and socially acceptable Whiskey. Then I think though of how much I have had to fight for... all of this unecessary... if only my mom cared to find a solution to the problems instead of sweeping it under the rug.

I Love my parents... I really do... but this is such bull shit. I should not have to be cgoing through this 28 years later. cccThe surgery scares me. More than I think I let on.

So last night I go on my face book page and look at my my's space to see how many people have wished her a happy birthday... I was the first one a few days back. So I am looking and there it says under children... only Shelley's name... ok I am sorry but this shit has been going on too long. If it's not one thing it's another. Then today I call my parents house to make sure that they got all the info and what not and my mom informs me that My Aunt Jean, whom it is her birthday as well tomorrow, is bringing a fucking cake. I don't know what I feel about it.

I don't know if I should feel offended... I mean I have been suffering all my life with this shit going on and then they want to bring a cake to celebrate their birthday while I am in surgery getting something taken care of that should have been done years ago. I don't know I should feel... I kind of feel like I don't matter. Like all this is a joke. I am sick and they are celebrating. I am getting sliced into, my abdomen splayed open and they want to fucking take my time for getting better and make it their time. I didn't pick the day to have surgery. It just fell on their birthday... I wanted this over as quick as possible.

I SHOULD BE ABLE TO FEEL SELFISH!!! THIS IS MY TIME...


I donno... I am a wreck...


Whiskey Leigh Embers

Most of my life has been spent in the darkness not knowing where a bright spot would be.

I "thought" when I met Brian and left my parents that it would be different. Things would possibly get better. They never did. They have steadily gotten worse from him cheating on me 3 months before the wedding, his mother basically telling me before finding out that he was cheating on the way to her own daughters dress fitting for our wedding (almost like she knew) "You might want to keep that ring... you never know when you might need to pawn it.", to even discovering that my wedding dress was never ordered due to his mother and his aunt who worked at the store.

How can you do that shit to people??? Is there some unwritten code that allows people to feel that they can do and say that shit? I wonder if he even knew any of that was going down at the time?

At any rate THANK GOD I NEVER MARRIED THAT BASTARD AND HIS FAMILY!!!!!

Hopefully I am on the road to better things now... I went to my pre-op appointment and things look good and are a go. Surgery will be done on the 28th at 130pm. I have 3-4 days in the hospital and then it looks like a month or so of recovery. That doesn't even include the hormone therapy and what not my Dr. Wilson has planned for me.

I hope that the things that are happening now will reverse themselves and that I will start being the way I was always meant to be.  Hopefully life is like that after all this is said and done. From what I look like, to the better health, and even feeling that I belong somewhere and that really this is not all my fault.

The story of the Ugly Ducking... comes to mind.

That is what my doctor has said since I met him... "This is something that you were born with and should never had to deal with all of this alone. It's not your fault." I take great comfort in that. Because truly I have tried everything to feel better and diet and exercise but nothing... I mean NOTHING worked!

Some of the depression has lifted. Just knowing that things are starting to go the way is planned is comforting. However, I still feel as if my parents aren't getting how serious this really is...

It's ok though. It's their loss... But I am finally on my way of letting things that have haunted me from my past... go... Letting go. Yup I think that is really what it comes down to. Just the strength and the determination to continue living... instead of giving up and losing hope like I have done for soooo many years now.

I am going to try to post a little before the surgery... till then


Whiskey Leigh Embers

I have never really been happy and as I am embarking on the most important surgery and part of my life, I feel like my mother is making a joke of me and my plight. From the conversation at the table when I finally told them about what was going on she kind of was uninterested and really didn't seem surprised that this was happening to me. Which scares me and reinforces my feelings about her not really wanting to make things better for me at all. Like she knew all these years that there was something wrong but never followed through with anything. My dad however, seemed genuinely concerned. Which was odd and felt good. It made me feel that out of all these years that he bitched and complained about what I did, looked like, and everything else that he really gave a shit...


I don't know if my mother and I will ever have the relationship that we had before and its silly for me to even hope that it could happen.

I am now at my mom and dads... They are down in Tennessee taking care of my mother's father. I am here to take some time to rest before the surgery and to watch my neice while my sister is working.

I am so happy that she has found a job. It so helps with taking care of her daughter. For so many years it has been easy for her to stay at my mom and dad's without paying anything. She has lost her autonomy and really needs to be on her own but still the baby daddy isn't helping much. I know its not easy being the other woman in a relationship... believe me... I am still one. But Don has been separated from his wife for 11 years. He is now on the virge of divorce but... its still not easy.

I Love Don but I am not sure what will become of us after all is said and done within the next year. I would love to say that everything will be wonderful and be the same... but how can I even say that it will be the same.... After all that will happen with the surgery and knowing what my demon has been throughout my life how can I allow myself to just accept what was when the future and the possibilities that could happen are so much brighter than I have ever dreamed or even have hoped for.

I will tell you this much... I will not be in the same house with Vanessa and that will be resolved before next year passes!!!

Whiskey Leigh Embers

Today I finally got with my bestie Rochelle. It is hard to get some time to spend with her since she is busy with her life and what not. It is understood that she has stuff going on and I am fortunate to have had most of today with her and her mom.


I have needed to get some much needed bestie time with her. I have all this going on and needed to talk to her about it so that someone didn't call her and say, "Umm... did you know Whiskey was in surgery and is out now."

I love spending time with them. I don't think I have ever had a time when it wasn't a blast. Even though today was more about talking and getting things off my chest than anything. I had already talked to MA about what was going on and am very grateful that she has been there for me. She held my hand the last time I was here in Farmington Hills and was a rock for me when I started to fall apart.

If you have read my back posts you will know that my life has not been anything that would be called a fairy tale nor has it been easy. However, with these two women in my life it has made a lot of it easier to handle and I love to call them true friends.

Ro, Ma and I went for coffee and sat there for a while and talked. I didn't jump right in and tell her but it got easier as it went. I know I think I scared her after having MA get a hold of her and tell her I needed to talk.

We are all so happy that so far there are not any complications or more issues with diagnosis.

We both cried and I needed it as well as she did. We haven't had so much time in a while to actually catch up.

I needed this a lot. It is good for the soul to know that you really have people who care and that are honestly concerned about your welfare...

So things went well. We also went to get dinner at the Olive Garden. It was fabulous and again I was just thankful for their company.

She took it well and she said that she would like to be there after the surgery. I would like all of my friends to come and visit after the surgery.


Whiskey Leigh Embers

It's been a few days since I last wrote. I have been trying to come to terms with all the things that are going on in my life.  I just needed some breathing room from everything and everyone. I should have went up north and stayed there but that was too far and I had to get all the testing done. These past few weeks have not been pleasant. I have been through so much testing and crap that I am so tired and emotionally drained.

However, I Have A Diagnosis!!!

The ah ha! moment is finally at hand.

The Ultrasound
The CT Scan
and all the blood tests confirm that firstly, I have

Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome

secondly and a tad bit more disturbing is the mass that is in my abdomen...

I have been carrying around what was supposed to be my twin. It has hair and teeth even. It is the size of 2 large grapefruit. It has wedged itself lovingly in my abdomen and hanging nastily from my right ovary.

This explains everything in my life. The weight gain... and never being able to lose any signifigant fat... the raging fits and hormones and even why I have not been able to get pregnant.

My mom never told me about the issues that she had and also never said that she had weight issues too.

The signs were there in the beginning when I was younger. But instead of asking those questions they were swept under the rug and it was just easier to believe that I was lazy... that I was sneaking food and not doing what they asked me to do. I have suffered through some very horrific things with my parents. This one however, I don't know if I can forgive them of not caring enough to be the parent, to ask the questions, and to give the information that would have nipped all of this in the bud years ago.

I am 28 now... My life could have been so much different. The possibilities were endless if I could have just had the chance at them. It is almost that I was given the death sentence and was doomed to be under this sickness for all time.

It took me 28 years to not only find someone who loved me enough to ask the questions but also a doctor who knew enough to actually try to do their job. That is sad!!!

I have seen several doctors and all of them have swept my issues under the rug.

I had better insurance then so why didn't they take care of me?

I have had several days to let this soak in and ruminate in my being of all the possibilities lost and have come to the only conclusion that would allow me to be angry, but also at the same time understand that is all going to end better and hopefully give me more than I ever hoped for...

I am an ugly... unwanted duckling. Soon, However, I will blossom into the swan that I was always meant to be.

I love myself. I love the fact that I am fearless and that I can be whom ever I want at any given moment. I love the fact that I am so resilient and have learned much in this massive shell than half of the gorgeous people I grew up with... For that I am so blessed and makes me a better person. Makes me smarter within and more beautiful on the out.

Now I just have to tell those nearest and dearest to me what's going on.

I am scared... but relieved all at the same time.

Thank you God for your guidance and love...


Whiskey Leigh Embers

I went to my CT Scan on Wednesday 9.30.09 and it wasn't as awful as I was told or had imagined it. I had to drink this stuff that was for the contrast. I was told it was to taste like shit. lol. Straight up. I cracked it just before bedtime on the 9.29.09 and it smelled more like oranges or tangerines. SO I imagined that I was drinking a orange creamsicle. Then I had to drink more of it when I was at the Imaging place. The lady doing the CT Scan was really nice and I was surprised that it was an actual pleasant experience even though I was scared out of my mind.

I expected to get my results in a few days so I relaxed most of yesterday. I had to evacuate the stuff and the dye out of my body before I would feel better. The worst part was what I felt like after I was out of there. I felt like hell. I slept most of the day away and drank sooo much water I almost didn't make it to the bathroom in time.

This morning I get a phone call at 830am and it was my doctor instructing the receptionist to have me come in as soon as I can to discuss the results of the test.

I am freaking out at this point. I did not even have the CT Scan and the contents of my body completely drained before they called me having the results. I was so scared. I agreed to come in and made it there before 930am. I sat in the conference room waiting for the Dr. to finish with another patient. She came in with my chart and looked kind of stern. I was expecting the absolute worst thing that could have been possible.

She says, "You have a cyst and its 12cm and it needs to be removed." So she went on to say that it is a large dermoid cyst and that it is non Cancerous and that otherwise I am completly healthy. So she scheduled me with another doctor whose name incidentally is Dr. Wilson and we are going to meet with him to discuss surgery and other plan of action.

Thank God!

Gram I miss you so much!!!

So this is good news and hopefully it continues to be good news...


Whiskey Leigh Ember

I love this site but don't have time to add it to blog roll

http://wonderland.starma.co.uk/?p=525 feel free to check it out. I love the template for this site!!



Whiskey

Today I am going to the doctor. Tomorrow is my ct scan... I am freaking. I know I know I want to know whats hurting me and making me tired. I want to know what this is so that we can effectively get rid of it. If its possible. I am over 2 months in now and am ready to find out what it is.

I miss you gram. You would be the person that I would love to talk to right now. Just to ask if I am going to make it through this...

I am so scared and I really don't think that anyone even understands or know just how much this sucks. I know I am not the only one that the C-word comes up for, but given my track record with luck... You would think that I wouldn't have had to even deal with this.

I feel unconsequential. Like I don't really matter. That my life has been nothing but insignifigant and a burden to everyone that I have come in contact with. My family doesn't even really get the scope of this. My dad is having Don and I come down tomorrow so that he can put a toilet in and fix some things... Let's not think that Whiskey could be a little sensitive to this considering that this is my life we are talking about.

We did some laundry tonight and I could only imagine what is going to happen next... I am so simple. I love it when you are at the laundry mat and you scrape up just enough money extra to buy a soda to share or a bag of M&M's. In that moment life is good. Life is perfect at that second.

How many moments we take for granted just to rush through and get things done. Never really enjoying what we have been given.

I am at that point. I just set and try to remember the good things that have happend in my life. There have been wonderful moments... but everything has been fleeting. There has not been one thing that lasted for more than a few seconds at a time.

Never have I experienced something that was supposed to be for Whiskey's happiness only.

How sad...

I am so scared that I cannot even sleep. I just need to get this over with so that I know...



Whiskey

Ugh... I hate having to find a new template. I so loved the one before.. I have changed it now for the last few days and nothing seems to just pop out and scream at me. There have a few nice ones that were close but still nothing that I am happy with.

I had the other for soooo long that I forgot how and what to do to find them. I am going to have to contact the maker of the last one and see what happened to it. I loved it so!

So bear with me as I change it until I find THE ONE... So funny its like trying to find a good fit for shoes and a man lol


Whiskey

I posted this a while back and I really feel that it has as much meaning then as it does today.

I refuse to let the unknown scare me to death and I believe that everything will be more than ok.


I let go.

Gone is the blame for my past sins.

Gone is the hopelessness that I feel when I find myself overwhelmed by every day life.

Gone is the shame of hidden secrets.

GONE is the SHAME that he made me feel for not being PERFECT!!!

Gone is my wish to make everyone I love happy first.

TODAY ITS MY TURN!

I hope it isn't too late. I hope the damage I have done can be reversed. I can no longer bear the tears that I have brought myself. The tears I have allowed Brian and everyone else inflict on my heart and soul.

Today I let him go and let the chains and torture he was to my mind fall away. I always was afraid he won't like what he sees here. Now I don't give a fuck. I have always been Terrified he would leave and what I would do if he wasn't here. Now I know that he was a joke. Just having me around to help pay his way and as a fuck toy.

I now can be Alone.

Although I am never alone.

I can save myself. Be happy. Allow myself to be loved for the captivating woman that I am.

I will be whole again.

I WILL GAIN MY SANITY BACK FROM YOU.

You loved me, but you never knew who I was!

Today I let you go! You no longer will plague my mind, my heart, nor my soul. I toss you away, just like the trash you made me out to be.

Good Bye



Whiskey

Today I recieved the approval letter for my CT Scan. I have mixed emotions about the whole ordeal. I am so scared though. I have no idea how to react in front of people or my parents. I don't know what they are thinking. They just kind of were quiet when I told them what was wrong.

I talked with my friend Rochelle this evening. She and I had a few laughs and some serious talk about whats going on. I believe that if I stuff it away in a dark corner of my mind, it would only give whatever is wrong power over me and my body.

I refuse to do this!

We both giggled after I told her that if I was going to have to have surgery or something... I was going to ask for a tummy tuck at the same time. She said, "Yea, it would make sense and would kill two birds with one stone."

But all I have done is cry. Especially in moments when I see people doing things that I have always wanted to do. Or hearing that so and so is pregnant. Or even seeing peopel with their new families walking by and playing and being happy.

I don't think I have really and truthfully been happy. I just want this shit to be over so that I can move on and start being happy.

I hope that there is nothing wrong and that my 12 cm friend floating in my abdomen was just a shadow of my fat roll or something else comical.

It is simply amazing to me how many people are so set in their ways and ignorant of others around them... For instance, Vanessa, she will do the least amount of work possible in everything. Whether it be cooking, washing dishes, taking care of her dog... she will find the easiest way out of doing it or doing as little as possible.

I just did a sink full of dishes that would have made the pope wretch and vomit. Now half of them we re-do dishes from the last time she did them.

I have always been taught certain order of doing dishes so that they are truly clean. Hell i worked in an institution so I had to have everything sanitary. When you finish dishes you do all the pans even if they are nasty dirty. You may have to change the water but they will come clean. Then you wash all the counter spaces. Not only so it looks tidy but so that you don't have nasty bacteria spreading or worse... attracting unpleasant bugs like roaches and such.

So I walk in the kitchen to do them and well... you can say that nothing was finished the last time when she had done them. The counters were full of nasty residue from food and who knows what else. I hate clutter and I hate it when a person is filthy... She is filthy.

All I have to say... our kitchen should never smell like it did. You can't cook in there when it's like that. Instead of doing the dishes to cook and what not... she will wash what she needs and then leave it all set there, rotting.

Ugh I am so sick of her bitching too. I was on the phone tonight long distance with a friend. I had moved to the bedroom so that I could hear her and while I was talking... she started in on me behind my back. Apparently she thought I did not hear her. She said something to the effect that all she wanted from the store was chocolate and no one ever listens to her or gives her what she wants. Waaaa... waaaa... waaaa...

uGH i HATE THIS LIFE WITH THEM...


Whiskey

It’s a funny thing to think that you are dying. To even fathom the idea, at first, is absolutely frightening. The things that run through your mind are incredible and amazing all at the same time.

I used to run circles around my clients when I was working. Now I can’t even bring myself to have enough energy, even though my mind wants to do it, to get out of the car and go in, or feel secure enough that I won’t keel over and pass out in a store, a mall, hell even at the doctors office.

I could get one of those Amigo scooter things but I would feel more ashamed of having to use one than just to miss out on what could be in the store.

I used to be so active. I have never been accused of being skinny. I think most of this has been building for several years now. Slowly eating me and robbing my soul and body of energy and the will to move my body and become more.

My doctor has yet to confirm anything. To tell me what is making me feel this way. She mostly refuses to call me back.

I want so badly to just peel off the layers and run, jump, and scream to escape all of this.

I want to be out on stage living my life as it should have been… the way that I dreamed it would have been for me. Instead… I shut down and am trapped in an endless cycle that I thought I had shed several years ago.

I am now facing the true possibility that I may never be able to have kids of my own body but what scares me even more is the idea of not living much past the age of 50 or even getting to it.

I think of being a vegetable and not being able to do what I want and to live the life I want and have dreamed of.

I have made so many mistakes in my life. I am not in any pain yet but I imagine it could come to that. I am however extremely uncomfortable. I don’t think that there have been many nights where I sleep all the way through.. I toss and turn trying to make my body adjust to the mattress or even when we are in the car I have to jostle my body around frequently so that I don’t set in one place to long. I don’t have ants in my pants. I wake up over 10 times a night getting up and down to use the bathroom.

I Am Restless……….. I want to break free from all of this and find a better way to exist.

Something has got to give…

Sincerely,

Ember

Dear Gram,

I am sitting here at the hospital while Vanessa … Don’s ex girlfriend visits her many family members here. I have come to find that I am always going and helping others and putting others before myself and family. I sister here and only wonder what would have happened if I for one second knew you were sick…

I ponder this only because I never knew and because I know for a fact I would have dropped everything to help you. There are so many things that my parents and people have kept from me. I don’t know if it was because I was still estranged from them at the time. I have only gotten little bits of information about when you were sick and what happened before you passed.

Maybe you figured that it was your time and that you were ready… All I know is that I would have been there if you would have wanted me.

So I sit here going to see other people’s family members when I knew that I should have been seeing you too. I feel so guilty for this. I just wished that I had longer with you last summer. There are sooo many things that I would do differently if I knew.. Just knew that you were sick. You were very much alive to me then… Sometimes I don’t believe that its real and that I will come visit you this summer or as soon as the weather breaks. But then again I have been telling myself that for years. Now you are truly gone.

I just hope that you are at peace. When I think that you are in Heaven with Grandpa and others in our family, it comforts me. But I can never be really sure because of all that God has dealt me… I am almost convinced that I am cursed.


I love you,

Whiskey

"When I don’t have that environment, the stress of everyday life builds to a crescendo, and before I know what is happening, I’ve exploded."


I loved this quote. It's so true of me. When I am not in my place of absolute Serenity... everything piles on top of me until I can no longer stand the weight of everyones shit... let alone my own, I simply explode. Everyone and everything in my path... gets pulverized.


But then I am normal again and things right themselves... some what...

What if we could just avaid all the build up, and keeping our mouths shut, and telling people and things what we really think at the time that they have wronged us... Could we avoid the blow up of our personal worlds? Could we avoid Wars without reasons?

As children we are told, if we have something to say that isn't nice... not to say it at all!!

How far has my manners and general want and yearning for love held me back from life and making things right?

hmmm...


Whiskey

Dear Gram,

Its amazing what happens to the best of us as we try to make things right for ourselves in life. My best intentions always get turned around on me... and I get taken advantage of. I have been taught to give and to help people because in the end... you never know when you in turn will need the help back.

However, I have given, sacrificed, and helped so many people... only to be stabbed in the back and to be made to feel, crazy, childish, and never quite good enough.

I try to live my life with grace and dignity. It seems like every time I get calm again, something triggers another anxiety attack. I had to take the first pill in 4 months tonight to calm down.

I am livid and so vividly angry. Don and I have been fighting almost non stop for the past few weeks. I have spent my 401(k) checks to help us survive... and I have nothing to show for them... Granted it was only $700 but still that is alot of my hard earned money that was put away for what I needed.

Don and I went out recently with a few new found friends and I am not likeing the female of the couple... It just seems that everything she says is a lie... Its so over the top that she is trying to make herself seem bigger and better just because. I abhor fake people. There is no reason to feel like you need to impress me... just be yourself.

Well as soon as this certain person called a week ago out of the bkue for Don to take her to the pharmacy to get scripts filled for her kids... it kind of threw up a red flag. We really haven't known this couple for very long and it was inappropriate to call someone a half hour before the pharmacy closes. So he told her that we were getting ready for bed and what not.

After going out again this past Friday... She calls again tonight and asks if Don can help her and her husband move shit out of their storage facility because they didn't pay for another month and at the last minute needed to move shit out... Mind you it is 9pm when they call and asked... it was her that asked and said to Don, "Well I know its late and Sherry will be mad...but" ok if you know that its inappropriate and you know I am going to be mad about last minute shit then why call at all... unless you are up to something.

Don's Eyes light up and immediately he jumps up and puts his coat on...

I AM SICK AND TIRED OF BEING PUT ON THE BACK BURNER FOR OTHER PEOPLE'S PLANS AND DREAMS... He spent all day fixing his son's car... which I have come to accept with a grain of salt. But I just needed him to be home with me and spend some time out of today with me...

Does this make me Selfish??? Does it make me the bad person to be suspicious concerning the past and the company he has kept in the past...

I have no idea where we stand and I am faultering on my ground... I have nothing, my job, my vehicles are all gone and need worked on but they will never be fixed because he will do me just like he has done Vanessa...

What am I going to do Gram??

NATURAL HIGHS

Yall.... dur I am sooo wasted!!! lol

~ falling in love

~ laughing so hard you face hurts or you pee your pants.. lol

~ a hot shower

~ a candlelit bath

~ no lines at Walmart

~ a special glance

~ getting mail

~ taking a drive on a pretty road

~ warm blanket and a good book

~ warm fuzzy sweaters

~ Autumns changing colorful leaves

~ Cider Mills and their evil sugar covered donuts (yummy)

~ hearing your favorite song on the radio

~ lying in bed listening to the rain outside

~ hot towels right out of the dryer

~ finding the sweater you want ON sale for half price

~ oreo cookie blizzards

~ a long distance phone call

~ giggling

~ a good conversation

~ finding a 20 dollar bill in your coat from last winter

~ laughing at yourself and knowing people think you're nuts... lol
( I am accused of this often LOL )

~ midnight phone calls that last for hours

~ running through sprinklers

~ laughing for absolutely no reason at all

~ knowing that people are looking at you like you are a nut

~ having someone tell you that you are beautiful or sexy

~ knowing that person really means what they say when they say it

~ laughing at an inside joke

~ friends

~ accidentally hearing someone say something nice about you

~ waking up and realizing that you have a few hours left to sleep

~ your first kiss

~ making new friends or spending time with old ones

~ playing with a new kitten

~ having someone play with your hair

~ sweet dreams

~ hot chocolate

~ ummm chocolate PERIOD .... need I say more?

~ road trips with friends

~ swinging on swings

~ Running your feet through warm sand on your favorite beach

~ feeling the cool lake water on your skin right before you jump in

~ Christmastime feelings

~ Grandma and her genuine warmth

~ freshly brewed coffee at Grandma's at 5 in the morning

~ hell freshly brewed coffee anywhere

~ song lyrics printed on the inside of the new CD so you can sing along

~ going to a really good concert

~ making eye contact with a cute stranger

~ winning a really competitive game

~ the smell as you bake cookies or bread

~ having your friend send you something they baked

~ spending time with a close friend

~ seeing smiles and hearing laughter from your friends

~ holding hands with someone you care about

~ riding horses over and over again

~ watching the sunrise

~ taking in a sunset

~ getting one of the best and strongest hugs that make you feel safe

~ running into old friends

~ Spending time with children

~ knowing that someone out there is so in love with you

If there are any you can think of let me know cause I am sooo feelin them too :)

~ Whiskey ~

ROCK STAR NAME: (first pet, current car): Sam Caprice

GANGSTA NAME: (favorite ice cream flavor, favorite kind of shoe): Chunky Monkey Stiletto

HIPPY NAME: (what you ate for breakfast, favorite tree): Cake Maple

SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born): Leigh Lynn Farmington

STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 of your first name): Wil Sh

SUPERHERO NAME: (favorite color, favorite drink): Blue Southern Comfort

NASCAR NAME: (the first names of your grandfathers/grandmothers): Vernon Donna
Eric Lilly

STRIPPER NAME: (the name of your favorite perfume/cologne/scent, favorite candy): Angel Candy Cane

TV WEATHER ANCHOR NAME: (Your 4th grade teacher’s last name, a city that starts with the same letter): Dudek Detroit

SPY NAME: (your favorite season/holiday, flower): Fall Trillium

CARTOON NAME: (favorite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing right now): Strawberry Purple Panties




~Whiskey~

It has been 3 months now without you... I am still very much alone and without words to describe how I am feeling. All I know is that all of this could have been prevented. I guess maybe I blame myself for not being there and being more vigilant but it is supposed to be you and my parents watching over me instead of me watching over you all. But you did that most of my life...

I still can not believe that you are gone. I had never seen the house that they bought for you to bring you to town instead of being out in the middle of nowhere. To you and I am sure that it was home so far away from the city and the hustle and bustle of things... I think I may end up staying there for a while to write and possibly get my head together. I just wish that you would have still been there cause I need you more than I ever have in my life...

Everything is so messed up right now. I do not know where to turn, and really do not have anyone to talk to... So that is why I am talking to you. I want to do so many things with my life. I have no idea how to start... I want to go back to school but just getting the money together to pay the difference out of pocket is scary... In retrospect I guess I need to go to a cheaper college. I am almost becoming a recluse. I want to go out and play with other people but I don't know how to react anymore... I am scared... I feel like everyone is judging me. I have never been like this...

My old job that I left really messed me up. I did quality work and did a great job but my boss was always on me. She would yell and scream and make me feel like I was an idiot. I did well at my previous job too but I never had anyone talk to me the way she did. I don't think that the major split with Brian helped me either.

I spent four years of my life with him Gram, and I have nothing to show from it except for a half broken heart, and that I no longer trust anyone... Including myself.

I am so glad that I was able to see you this last summer. I had been wanting to get up to see the new house and see you and spend some real time again like I used to in the summers... There are alot of regrets that I have now... I am sure you already know all of them. The job I had made me so afraid to leave it. I wanted so badly just come and be. To perhaps get some of the magic that was once there when we visited when I was a kid. I have so many unanswered questions that I was never and will never be able to get the answers to.

I pray for the strength to understand others especially Shelley and how she is taking your death hard... I know that all of us have a void now where there once was light... but my sister never spent the time that I did with you... Everytime that I came to stay she refused to stay too. I know she misses you differently than I but I guess I am selfish when it came to memories of you.

I guess I also don't understand why people needed to hide things all over your house while we were grieving for you during the funeral. I mean for me... I loved you so well while you were here that I don't need anything from you... I guess I just don't understand why dividing material posessions to different people after you died brings closure. Maybe it was taking a little piece of you with them but if they were there and spent time with you they wouldn't have needed a towel or a bowl or an Aunt Jamima Doll that they hid in your bathroom to make sure that they got exactly what they wanted... I guess its not me... I wasn't greedy. I just wanted more time with you. That's all I wanted.

As I sat there at the funeral home, being strong for Shelley and everyone else too, I realised that maybe it was really your time to go... I mean things didn't have to be as gruesome for you in the last moments of your life... The details I try to forget. You lived all the adventures that I only could wish I could. Your whole family adored you... I can only wish to be half as admired and half of who you were.

What was most painful for me was to watch my dad... while he was in the middle of the service. He never took his eyes off of you Gram. It was like he was trying to memorize what you looked like so that he wouldn't forget. But I understood that you no longer were there in your body. I know that your body was the shell of your life here on earth. I also know that you were with grandpa and watching us. You saw everything and I know that. It was a simple and very beautiful service and I hoped that you liked the songs that we picked out for you. I worry for him the most. He and Uncle were there for you the most out of all your children... Poor Uncle was the one who had to find you. Dad and Uncle won't be the same without you.

I remember you... as you were while you were visiting with me and Don up at Mom and Dad's cabin. Aurora was there. Mom, Dad and I are still talking on a regular basis... It feels really weird that they aren't in Michigan during the winters anymore. So I now feel alone and since Shelley and I don't talk because of her life with Bob and all that it entails... I feel more and more locked in and almost suffocated.

I guess I am talking to you because you have always been there for me when I needed advice. You even told me that my parents would come around someday... You were right... But in waiting those seven years for them to come around... I missed out on time with you and the rest of the family... I mourn for that time now...

I love you,



~Whiskey~

"Giving up doesn't always mean you are weak; sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go."

I keep running into these situations and jobs where the boss is on a power trip. When you first hire into a job, and I don't care what job it is, there is a period where they train you and you get oriented to how they run their business.

At this time I am working with one of the people that Don works for as a maintainance person and I am helping her get her office and reception together. She has this issue with trusting people and plans on being like Oprah.... Well of I can see that and understand about the trust thing... But I am not even able to go to the office and set up... instead I have been working out of my office in my home trying to get her things going. Its been a month now and I still haven't gotten paid for the administrative work... phone calls from my house and personal cell in order to set up maintainance calls for Don... not to mention the word processing and desktop publishing she has had me do. I am sick of using my ink, my printer, my computer, my phone, my internet serivce, My gas, My car.... to get all of this shit done...

I got a phone call from her yesterday and she was perturbed that I wasn't saying "Thank you" enough while on the phone with her. She went on a tirade about how she wants her office people to be professional and talk a certain way... Well lady First off I am not in your office... I am working from my home. Second, I am more than professional when talking to clients and possible customers.

It all started when she asked me to get quotes for parking signs and such from the local sign stores. I called 5 to get a good range of prices to compare and one I had written the number somewhere but it wasn't on hand when she called to ask. She went into the first tirade about she expects her office people to be ready with the info that she needs....

What part of "I AM NOT WORKING IN YOUR OFFICE" Does she not get...
I don't have to do this on my time... I don't even have to work for her...

So I have issues typing her letters and calling her people when I haven't been paid yet... I even made better letterhead for her company and it looks more professional than what she had...

I cannot work for someone that makes me feel less than a person. She mentioned to me that there are several other people that are standing in line that want the job more than me... Well to tell you the truth... I am not handing all my work over to her and then have her fuck me over.... I am not setting up her office paperwork wise and then not have a job after... Thats stupid and I refuse to have anyone make me feel as if I am not good enough for the job yet... I am the only one that is doing the job for her...

So if I give up... I feel that I am stronger. I worked the last 2 and a half years of my life that made me feel less than dirt and I refuse to lose myself and to feel that way again.

I am not going to give my goodies away with out the ring... or better yet he he... you ain't getting the milk and cheese without buying the cow first.

PEACE...

"... People in this civilization are starving in the middle of plenty. This is a civilization that is going down, not because it hasn't got the knowledge that would save it, but because nobody will use the knowledge."

Idries Shah, 1975



It's funny... I thought my life would end when I lost my job for obvious reasons. I was no longer able to be Sherry... I was sooo scared to leave there without knowing what the future held for me. I let Ellen Rudedick scare me into believeing that I didn't matter and that I was worthless....

Even though Her and the company that I worked for for over 2 years denied me my Unemployment Benefits... I am not really poor... No we don't have gads of money... But the Possibilities and better Opportunities of knowing who Sherry/Whiskey is again are so Delicious that still imagining them excite me and chill me.

Possibilities and Opportunities so much better than ROSE HILL CENTER... OR Ellen's Rose Hill Center ever had a chance at offering me.

I don't regret working and meeting the people I have. I miss quite a few of them... but that job was way too much BULLSHIT!! I feel sorry for those who are still there... toiling their lives away for barely any pay and shitty benefits, too scared to say when someone was mistreated or step up when something really wasn't right. I could not work there any longer being in constant fear that Ellen or one of her cronies like Lindia or Jesse would talk to one of the guys and they make something up to report back To the Queen Bitch herself... Dealing with Ellen and her fucking bitch ass attitude was never ever worth it. Queen Bee will get hers... She will try to Fuck over the wrong person and she will get hers... I will just have to watch... Or one of the residents will die from one of her mistakes... Or her classic MED ERROR cover ups...

Either way she will deserve it!!

If Love Alone

If love alone could mend your heart of all the hurt inside-

If love alone could fill it with hope which somehow in time has died-

If love alone could rid your mind of the dark and evil things-

And fill it instead with wonderful thoughts of love and magical things-

If love alone could give you the will to live and want to greet each day-

If love alone could do these things we’d have no need to pray-
For both of us love you very much, more than these words can say-

And our special gift to you this year on this quiet Christmas day-

Is all the love we have inside, nothing to see or touch or smell-

But if love alone can do all things, use our love to make you well.

All our love this Christmas and hope for Christmases to come,

Love, Mom and Dad.

Know Who You Are by Jenna Kandyce Linch

This world can be such a cold place to live
Sometimes it seems the negative outweighs the positive.
Pressure is put on us to be a certain way
If we don't measure up to society's expectations, we pay.

Acceptance isn't something easy to come by
Especially when we're expected to live a lie.
Flaws and imperfections they wait to point out
Never good enough in us they create self doubt.

We're pulled in different directions as this way and that we go
Society's rules people continue to blindly follow.
A distorted image of themselves in the mirror they view
They wouldn't see that if how beautiful they are they knew.

Yet many self esteems are torn apart
Because overlooked is the beauty of one's heart.
True identities are left unrevealed due to fear
Traumatic events that people have endured no one wants to hear.

In their own comfort zones they stay
Having nothing to do with anyone who has the courage to find their own way.
They think we are rebels and outcasts for being different
But into the darkness of ignorance we refuse to be sent.

To the world's ways we don't conform
We choose to keep our hearts open and warm.
Their views are not always right
Just to be heard we have to fight.

Most of the time alone we stand
Since it's hard to find someone to lend us a hand.
Towards us people can act so fake
In their minds, they're keeping count of our every mistake.

It isn't for them that we are living
Making the most of our lives, our best we are giving.
They haven't traveled the path our shoes have walked on
Not understanding what we suffered, they are quick to be gone.

The real battle comes when on the truth we shed light
There are those who don't want to see us take flight.
They attempt to keep us trapped in silence
Hoping word doesn't get out about abuse and violence.

Yet after years of being quiet, we owe it to ourselves to speak out
The only way myths are dispelled is if we tell what our stories are about.
Who we are we should not sacrifice
"To thine own self be true" is great advice.

Each of us has real beauty that shines through
It can be seen in how we act and the things we do.
That's something we should never change or trade in
Even if others find us negative, somewhere every story has to begin.

Within every heart lies a story waiting to be told
People need hope on which they can hold.
When it comes to important matters silence is not golden
Society needs to know we aren't the same people we were back then.

For too long the truth has been concealed
It's time that the other part of our lives be revealed.
Who cares what others think or say when we take this chance
By speaking out, we have an opportunity in our lives to advance.

The world cannot steal way our honor and pride
Stepping up, we won't sit on the side.
With us change has to start
In making a difference in this world we can play a part.

Let's not allow them to destroy the values we hold dear
We've become warriors who have conquered our fear.
No matter what they say we'll continue to go far
Standing up for what we believe, we know who we are.