It has been 3 months now without you... I am still very much alone and without words to describe how I am feeling. All I know is that all of this could have been prevented. I guess maybe I blame myself for not being there and being more vigilant but it is supposed to be you and my parents watching over me instead of me watching over you all. But you did that most of my life...
I still can not believe that you are gone. I had never seen the house that they bought for you to bring you to town instead of being out in the middle of nowhere. To you and I am sure that it was home so far away from the city and the hustle and bustle of things... I think I may end up staying there for a while to write and possibly get my head together. I just wish that you would have still been there cause I need you more than I ever have in my life...
Everything is so messed up right now. I do not know where to turn, and really do not have anyone to talk to... So that is why I am talking to you. I want to do so many things with my life. I have no idea how to start... I want to go back to school but just getting the money together to pay the difference out of pocket is scary... In retrospect I guess I need to go to a cheaper college. I am almost becoming a recluse. I want to go out and play with other people but I don't know how to react anymore... I am scared... I feel like everyone is judging me. I have never been like this...
My old job that I left really messed me up. I did quality work and did a great job but my boss was always on me. She would yell and scream and make me feel like I was an idiot. I did well at my previous job too but I never had anyone talk to me the way she did. I don't think that the major split with Brian helped me either.
I spent four years of my life with him Gram, and I have nothing to show from it except for a half broken heart, and that I no longer trust anyone... Including myself.
I am so glad that I was able to see you this last summer. I had been wanting to get up to see the new house and see you and spend some real time again like I used to in the summers... There are alot of regrets that I have now... I am sure you already know all of them. The job I had made me so afraid to leave it. I wanted so badly just come and be. To perhaps get some of the magic that was once there when we visited when I was a kid. I have so many unanswered questions that I was never and will never be able to get the answers to.
I pray for the strength to understand others especially Shelley and how she is taking your death hard... I know that all of us have a void now where there once was light... but my sister never spent the time that I did with you... Everytime that I came to stay she refused to stay too. I know she misses you differently than I but I guess I am selfish when it came to memories of you.
I guess I also don't understand why people needed to hide things all over your house while we were grieving for you during the funeral. I mean for me... I loved you so well while you were here that I don't need anything from you... I guess I just don't understand why dividing material posessions to different people after you died brings closure. Maybe it was taking a little piece of you with them but if they were there and spent time with you they wouldn't have needed a towel or a bowl or an Aunt Jamima Doll that they hid in your bathroom to make sure that they got exactly what they wanted... I guess its not me... I wasn't greedy. I just wanted more time with you. That's all I wanted.
As I sat there at the funeral home, being strong for Shelley and everyone else too, I realised that maybe it was really your time to go... I mean things didn't have to be as gruesome for you in the last moments of your life... The details I try to forget. You lived all the adventures that I only could wish I could. Your whole family adored you... I can only wish to be half as admired and half of who you were.
What was most painful for me was to watch my dad... while he was in the middle of the service. He never took his eyes off of you Gram. It was like he was trying to memorize what you looked like so that he wouldn't forget. But I understood that you no longer were there in your body. I know that your body was the shell of your life here on earth. I also know that you were with grandpa and watching us. You saw everything and I know that. It was a simple and very beautiful service and I hoped that you liked the songs that we picked out for you. I worry for him the most. He and Uncle were there for you the most out of all your children... Poor Uncle was the one who had to find you. Dad and Uncle won't be the same without you.
I remember you... as you were while you were visiting with me and Don up at Mom and Dad's cabin. Aurora was there. Mom, Dad and I are still talking on a regular basis... It feels really weird that they aren't in Michigan during the winters anymore. So I now feel alone and since Shelley and I don't talk because of her life with Bob and all that it entails... I feel more and more locked in and almost suffocated.
I guess I am talking to you because you have always been there for me when I needed advice. You even told me that my parents would come around someday... You were right... But in waiting those seven years for them to come around... I missed out on time with you and the rest of the family... I mourn for that time now...
I love you,
~Whiskey~
I still can not believe that you are gone. I had never seen the house that they bought for you to bring you to town instead of being out in the middle of nowhere. To you and I am sure that it was home so far away from the city and the hustle and bustle of things... I think I may end up staying there for a while to write and possibly get my head together. I just wish that you would have still been there cause I need you more than I ever have in my life...
Everything is so messed up right now. I do not know where to turn, and really do not have anyone to talk to... So that is why I am talking to you. I want to do so many things with my life. I have no idea how to start... I want to go back to school but just getting the money together to pay the difference out of pocket is scary... In retrospect I guess I need to go to a cheaper college. I am almost becoming a recluse. I want to go out and play with other people but I don't know how to react anymore... I am scared... I feel like everyone is judging me. I have never been like this...
My old job that I left really messed me up. I did quality work and did a great job but my boss was always on me. She would yell and scream and make me feel like I was an idiot. I did well at my previous job too but I never had anyone talk to me the way she did. I don't think that the major split with Brian helped me either.
I spent four years of my life with him Gram, and I have nothing to show from it except for a half broken heart, and that I no longer trust anyone... Including myself.
I am so glad that I was able to see you this last summer. I had been wanting to get up to see the new house and see you and spend some real time again like I used to in the summers... There are alot of regrets that I have now... I am sure you already know all of them. The job I had made me so afraid to leave it. I wanted so badly just come and be. To perhaps get some of the magic that was once there when we visited when I was a kid. I have so many unanswered questions that I was never and will never be able to get the answers to.
I pray for the strength to understand others especially Shelley and how she is taking your death hard... I know that all of us have a void now where there once was light... but my sister never spent the time that I did with you... Everytime that I came to stay she refused to stay too. I know she misses you differently than I but I guess I am selfish when it came to memories of you.
I guess I also don't understand why people needed to hide things all over your house while we were grieving for you during the funeral. I mean for me... I loved you so well while you were here that I don't need anything from you... I guess I just don't understand why dividing material posessions to different people after you died brings closure. Maybe it was taking a little piece of you with them but if they were there and spent time with you they wouldn't have needed a towel or a bowl or an Aunt Jamima Doll that they hid in your bathroom to make sure that they got exactly what they wanted... I guess its not me... I wasn't greedy. I just wanted more time with you. That's all I wanted.
As I sat there at the funeral home, being strong for Shelley and everyone else too, I realised that maybe it was really your time to go... I mean things didn't have to be as gruesome for you in the last moments of your life... The details I try to forget. You lived all the adventures that I only could wish I could. Your whole family adored you... I can only wish to be half as admired and half of who you were.
What was most painful for me was to watch my dad... while he was in the middle of the service. He never took his eyes off of you Gram. It was like he was trying to memorize what you looked like so that he wouldn't forget. But I understood that you no longer were there in your body. I know that your body was the shell of your life here on earth. I also know that you were with grandpa and watching us. You saw everything and I know that. It was a simple and very beautiful service and I hoped that you liked the songs that we picked out for you. I worry for him the most. He and Uncle were there for you the most out of all your children... Poor Uncle was the one who had to find you. Dad and Uncle won't be the same without you.
I remember you... as you were while you were visiting with me and Don up at Mom and Dad's cabin. Aurora was there. Mom, Dad and I are still talking on a regular basis... It feels really weird that they aren't in Michigan during the winters anymore. So I now feel alone and since Shelley and I don't talk because of her life with Bob and all that it entails... I feel more and more locked in and almost suffocated.
I guess I am talking to you because you have always been there for me when I needed advice. You even told me that my parents would come around someday... You were right... But in waiting those seven years for them to come around... I missed out on time with you and the rest of the family... I mourn for that time now...
I love you,
~Whiskey~
