It’s a funny thing to think that you are dying. To even fathom the idea, at first, is absolutely frightening. The things that run through your mind are incredible and amazing all at the same time.

I used to run circles around my clients when I was working. Now I can’t even bring myself to have enough energy, even though my mind wants to do it, to get out of the car and go in, or feel secure enough that I won’t keel over and pass out in a store, a mall, hell even at the doctors office.

I could get one of those Amigo scooter things but I would feel more ashamed of having to use one than just to miss out on what could be in the store.

I used to be so active. I have never been accused of being skinny. I think most of this has been building for several years now. Slowly eating me and robbing my soul and body of energy and the will to move my body and become more.

My doctor has yet to confirm anything. To tell me what is making me feel this way. She mostly refuses to call me back.

I want so badly to just peel off the layers and run, jump, and scream to escape all of this.

I want to be out on stage living my life as it should have been… the way that I dreamed it would have been for me. Instead… I shut down and am trapped in an endless cycle that I thought I had shed several years ago.

I am now facing the true possibility that I may never be able to have kids of my own body but what scares me even more is the idea of not living much past the age of 50 or even getting to it.

I think of being a vegetable and not being able to do what I want and to live the life I want and have dreamed of.

I have made so many mistakes in my life. I am not in any pain yet but I imagine it could come to that. I am however extremely uncomfortable. I don’t think that there have been many nights where I sleep all the way through.. I toss and turn trying to make my body adjust to the mattress or even when we are in the car I have to jostle my body around frequently so that I don’t set in one place to long. I don’t have ants in my pants. I wake up over 10 times a night getting up and down to use the bathroom.

I Am Restless……….. I want to break free from all of this and find a better way to exist.

Something has got to give…

Sincerely,

Ember