I am doing fairly well... I am reading this book and things are just coming from out of no where and opening up doors that I had thought were long ago shut and locked never to return to them. I think I have come to terms with a lot of things in my life and understand that I am not the only one hurting. I now realize that my mom and dad... No matter how hateful they were to me... Were probably mistreated as children too. Its just really sad that the cycle is finally going to be broken with me. I also realize that they are broken souls too. Its not excusing what they did to me and my sister and each other when I was younger.. Its just that I understand that they could possibly have been going through more than I knew at the time.
My father was never there for me or my sister... He was ALWAYS up north at the family cabin when he wasn't working... I always wondered why he felt the need to spend so much time there and away from us... Well when I was 21 and on my own my sister called me... She said that dad was arrested last night and that she wanted to see me about why...
Come to find out only... umm 15 years after the fact... My dad had been sleeping with my 15 year old (by marriage) cousin. So from the time that I was 5 till I was 21... My dad had been the biggest hypocrite... There is nothing that I ever did as a teenager that would ever measure to that.
After my sister and I got together and she told me why he was arrested just everything in the past 15 years perfectly made sense... He single handedly let our family fall apart... Every time that I needed him he was up there and having extra marital affairs with this bitch... Everytime that I needed him he was fucking her... I think that was the day where I knew that obviously there was more to the story of why my parents are the way they are and why they acted this what toward each other.
I guess my mom didn't know either till he was arrested because the bitch "Shannon" decided that after 15 years she needed help paying her way in life... I am sorry I know my dad didn't rape her cause she was with my dad for years after their first contact.
Anyway here is the post of what I had to say when I found out....
Friday, July 04, 2003
I don't know what you were thinking. Hell, I don't even want to know. It explains a lot. Why you never wanted to be home, why you always had to be up-north, why you couldn't ever be there for us when we needed you to be. And to tell you the truth it was never really about us. Was it?
15 YEARS!!!
15 fucking years of you telling us how to be and teaching us the supposed "right thing" to do. You gave up on me when I was 12, so this isn't about me...
How fucking dare you do this to her...?
How could you do this to "us" as a family...?
And sit on it for 15 years....And you stood there telling me how much of a fuck up I was, you let me feel like shit the entire time that I was in school, my whole life, because you didn't care. You couldn't even change for the better after the accident and still you lie to us.
You make Shelley and I feel worthless compared to your money and your cabin and your boats and your toys...You don't care about what happened to our lives, you never did take any interest in us until we got our report cards...
I hate me!!! I've always hated me, I have never been able to measure up to the icy heights of your expectations. Every time I tried to do something, anything to make you proud of me, you throw me back down. I will never be good enough for anything...
I have to look at you every day. I have to face the mirror that looks like you and talks like you because I am a female clone of you. I will never be good enough...I wasn't pretty enough, I wasn't skinny enough... No man would ever want me... I'm a whore... I'm a drunk... I'm a druggie... That's what you think...
All I wanted from you was to be loved and you couldn't even do that. You were never there all the times I needed you and all the times when I needed someone to talk to...To think I forgave you for all the times you cursed and swore at us...All the things that you said to us to purposely hurt us...
You, single handedly, let our family fall apart...
I'M SO DISAPPOINTED IN YOU!!!
Whiskey
My father was never there for me or my sister... He was ALWAYS up north at the family cabin when he wasn't working... I always wondered why he felt the need to spend so much time there and away from us... Well when I was 21 and on my own my sister called me... She said that dad was arrested last night and that she wanted to see me about why...
Come to find out only... umm 15 years after the fact... My dad had been sleeping with my 15 year old (by marriage) cousin. So from the time that I was 5 till I was 21... My dad had been the biggest hypocrite... There is nothing that I ever did as a teenager that would ever measure to that.
After my sister and I got together and she told me why he was arrested just everything in the past 15 years perfectly made sense... He single handedly let our family fall apart... Every time that I needed him he was up there and having extra marital affairs with this bitch... Everytime that I needed him he was fucking her... I think that was the day where I knew that obviously there was more to the story of why my parents are the way they are and why they acted this what toward each other.
I guess my mom didn't know either till he was arrested because the bitch "Shannon" decided that after 15 years she needed help paying her way in life... I am sorry I know my dad didn't rape her cause she was with my dad for years after their first contact.
Anyway here is the post of what I had to say when I found out....
Friday, July 04, 2003
I don't know what you were thinking. Hell, I don't even want to know. It explains a lot. Why you never wanted to be home, why you always had to be up-north, why you couldn't ever be there for us when we needed you to be. And to tell you the truth it was never really about us. Was it?
15 YEARS!!!
15 fucking years of you telling us how to be and teaching us the supposed "right thing" to do. You gave up on me when I was 12, so this isn't about me...
How fucking dare you do this to her...?
How could you do this to "us" as a family...?
And sit on it for 15 years....And you stood there telling me how much of a fuck up I was, you let me feel like shit the entire time that I was in school, my whole life, because you didn't care. You couldn't even change for the better after the accident and still you lie to us.
You make Shelley and I feel worthless compared to your money and your cabin and your boats and your toys...You don't care about what happened to our lives, you never did take any interest in us until we got our report cards...
I hate me!!! I've always hated me, I have never been able to measure up to the icy heights of your expectations. Every time I tried to do something, anything to make you proud of me, you throw me back down. I will never be good enough for anything...
I have to look at you every day. I have to face the mirror that looks like you and talks like you because I am a female clone of you. I will never be good enough...I wasn't pretty enough, I wasn't skinny enough... No man would ever want me... I'm a whore... I'm a drunk... I'm a druggie... That's what you think...
All I wanted from you was to be loved and you couldn't even do that. You were never there all the times I needed you and all the times when I needed someone to talk to...To think I forgave you for all the times you cursed and swore at us...All the things that you said to us to purposely hurt us...
You, single handedly, let our family fall apart...
I'M SO DISAPPOINTED IN YOU!!!
Whiskey
